Last Name
by VivoRisataAmore
Summary: In the quiet room there was no one awake to hear her almost inaudible whisper of 'I love you too.' When Detective Beckett wakes from her surgery with a rather puzzling case of amnesia she is left wondering about many things, especially her last name. Set at the end of season three.
1. Chapter 1

**After **_**finally**_** watching Knockout this little plot bunny decided to wander into my head and refused to leave so I put it into a word document for another day, but it broke out and re-attacked me until I decided to write it.**

**Basically starts after Beckett's surgery. And I am going to attempt to use all the spoilers that have been let out by the cast and crew.**

**I do not own anything you recognise, including Dr Belden. **

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><p>In the quiet room with nothing but the steady beat of the heart monitor to drown out the noise of the air-con there was no one awake to hear her almost inaudible whisper of 'I love you too.'<p>

He awakes at the twitch of her hand which is carefully entwined with his own. With his hair ruffled from sleep and the past few hours and days showing on his face the smile that is elicited at the tiny movement looks almost out of place but not unwelcome.

He knew that one movement didn't necessarily mean that she was awake but he still watched her optimistically for any sign of life. With his eyes glued to her he couldn't help but realise how fragile and weak she looks lying there on the colourless hospital sheets, her small frame emphasised by her dismal state. It was such a comparison from the strong woman he was used to that he would even admit that he was nothing if not a little scared.

Slowly her long lashes began to flutter against her unnaturally pale cheek, and after a few seconds of bated breath from the writer her heavy eyelids opened to the world before her. He'd never been so happy to see her beautiful green eyes looking back at him.

She was uncomfortable and in pain but those thoughts fell to the back of her mind as she noticed the dishevelled writer hand in hand with her standing right next to the hospital bed. He was smiling down at her, relief and joy were obvious in the grin that seemed to spread from one side of his face to the other.

She smiled back as he finally broke out of his shock and spoke. 'Kate, you came back to me.'

'Rick,' her voice was hoarse, and her throat screamed with pain as the name slipped through her dry lips, 'water.'

He looked down at her apologetically. 'The nurse said that if you were to wake up I couldn't give you anything, I had to get her first.' She glared at him as he left to call the nurse but it wasn't filled with her usual conviction.

Looking around she noticed the morphine dispenser by her head, it explained why her throat was her worst concern. Although she was too drugged up to feel the pain she could feel the illusion of pain, or what might have been the memory of the moment that the sniper's bullet ripped through her skin.

When she fell she thought that it might have finally been her time that finally she was going to die. That this time, she wasn't going to be as lucky as when they were in the freezer. She almost gave into the inevitable, she was ready to greet the next life with the hope that she would find her mother there waiting for her with open arms. Only as Castle held her in his strong embrace she knew that she needed to fight, she needed to hold on for as long as she could because it wasn't only her anymore. She needed to live for her friends and her family, even for her mother.

An older woman followed an overexcited Castle into the small room bringing Kate out of her musings. Both the patient and the nurse rolled their eyes at his childlike impatience. 'Hi Kate, I'm Denise, your nurse. How are you feeling?'

Her response was strangled and the look of pain on her face was enough to make the ever impatient Castle worried. 'Water, she wanted water.' She nodded her head slowly in agreement; a slight ache erupting in the base of her skull at the sudden movement.

'We'll get that in just a second, first we need to get you into a better position.' Carefully Denise moved Kate into a slightly raised position and helped her take a sip out of a small cup of water. 'Better?'

'Slightly,' it was still painful but she could speak.

'Mr Castle, you can help her drink this but no more, we need to monitor her intake for a little while.' He quickly made his way to the other side of the bed and took the offered cup from the aged nurse. 'Kate, I'm just going to take your vitals alright?'

She nodded as she took another sip of water. The testing was monotonous but she knew that it had to be done. Not too long after it was over and she could relax once again as the nurse, happy with her vitals left.

She leant further back into the hard hospital bed as she looked over to Castle whose hand was once again entwined tightly with hers and smiled slightly. 'I made it, just like you told me.'

He squeezed her hand in response, 'you really did. For a while there I didn't think you would make it.'

The mood was too tense for her liking; she didn't need to be reminded about having almost entered the world that she would have shared with Montgomery and her mother. 'You know I'm too stubborn to die.'

A small smile re-appeared on the writer's face at her feeble attempt to make a joke. 'I know; who would I be able to torture then? But let's never get this close again, alright?'

'I promise Rick.'

He contemplated the way she was using his first name for a moment, it wasn't quite normal but she had just been shot, she wasn't supposed to be normal. Before he could question it anymore a harassed looking doctor strode to her bed side; he introduced himself as Dr Belden and busied himself with re-checking her vitals and all the monitors surrounding the detective's bed.

Happy with his assessment he re-addressed his patient, 'alright, I need you to tell me your full name, date of birth and your address.'

'Why?' Kate looked up at him sceptically, she had just been shot in the chest and he was asking her name?

Not shocked at the way she questioned his authority he explained calmly, 'we need to make sure that there are no mental side effects from either the shot or the surgery. So we just ask that you relay some basic information, name, date of birth, address and so on.'

'My name is Detective Katherine Anne Castle.'

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><p><strong>Sorry for any gramaticalspelling mistakes. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the confusion with the completed thing, I didn't realise that I had it checked when I posted it, I was probably too tired to be posting anything but I did it anyway and paid the price. But needless to say, I will be continuing this, I hope to make it a big one actually. **

**I do not own Castle, or anything that you recognise.**

**A huge thanks to the reviewers! You are amazing, each one made me smile which I am so very grateful for at the moment. I hope you all enjoy.**

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><p><em>'My name is Detective Katherine Anne Castle.'<em>

Both the patient and the doctor looked over at Rick curiously, his face was contorted with confusion, 'wait what?'

Kate spoke defiantly, 'I'm Mrs Katherine Castle. What did you think that I wouldn't remember my own name? I may be injured but my brain is perfectly fine.'

Raising a sharp eyebrow at the woman Dr Belden spoke calmly, like this was something that he dealt with every day. 'Ma'am, there is just a slight discrepancy with the information that we have been given, we have you down as Miss Katherine Beckett.'

'Well it's wrong.'

'No Kate,' Castle woke from his shock, 'we aren't married.'

'Y-yes we are.'

'No, as much as I wish we could be we aren't. You're still Kate Beckett and you're in a relationship with Josh Davidson, another doctor at this hospital.'

Kate was confused beyond anything she had experienced, 'I know who he is Rick, but we broke up ages ago. We've been married for months now.'

Castle opened his mouth to reply but the doctor silenced him quickly. 'Mr Castle, could I speak to you outside for a second?'

When Castle refused to budge at all from her side the doctor noticed the way she was gripping his hand tightly, almost like it was the last thing holding her to the Earth. 'Whatever you say to him you can say to me, I'm not a child.'

Before he spoke the dark haired doctor looked at Rick for confirmation earning a glare from the detective and at his nod took a deep breath before continuing. 'Mr Castle, are you two married?'

Rick shook his head, 'no.'

'Have you two ever been married?'

'Only in my dreams.'

'This is strange.' He pondered everything for a moment, with each passing second the furrow in his brow deepened and the two waiting for the news became more on edge. 'Kate, I believe that you may have a certain type of amnesia called retrograde amnesia, which affects your long term memory. Although in this case it seems to have altered your memory instead of wiping it and usually with this type of confusion there is some basis, such as a past relationship, that would encourage a very intense dream that after waking seems real. It is very important, Mr Castle, that we don't confuse her further until we know the extent of her injuries.'

'What do you mean confuse her? She's already confused.'

'Yes, but to help the healing process we need to allow her to rest peacefully. Bombarding her with information from her past is not the best way to help her recover.'

'So you're saying that I have to pretend that we are married until she remembers herself?'

'No, not pretend, just don't argue about it for a few days and slowly bring the idea forward.'

'I hope you realise that by doing this I'm going to be the one on the bed with permanent brain damage once she gets better.' At the slightly horrified look on the dramatic writer's face the stony doctor cracked a small smile.

'Mr Castle, I can assure you that this is the best treatment for her needs. While it may seem like the best thing to do is get her memory completely back straight away that may not be the best thing right now. What she needs is some time to heal before putting her body under the stress of mental recovery. I'm sure that you've seen the movies where someone loses their memory then they are taken to a place and suddenly everything is clear again.' The writer and patient nodded. 'Well that rarely happens in the real world. Usually amnesia patients regain their memory little pieces at a time. In the few rare cases where they are suddenly hit with a past that they had completely forgotten about it is very shocking and in most cases the person ends up back in here.'

Kate was fuming that the doctor was speaking directly to Rick; she was the patient, the one who was actually hurt. Finally she spoke up, although she didn't tell him quite what she planned to say, even in her state she knew what was socially acceptable and throwing curse words at your doctor, doubting his skills wouldn't fall under that category. 'Is there any permanent damage?'

'We can't tell yet Ma'am, to know the full extent of your injuries we will need to run more tests and wait a while to see how you recover and what you remember but there is little chance that this delusion will continue for more than a few months.'

'This Delusion? Are you calling me delusional?' Kate protested as animatedly as she could in her state, only no one listened to her, instead Rick just spoke over her.

'I'm going to have to pretend to be married to her for a few months? Not that I don't want to do be married to her, I'd just rather it be a proper marriage you know, with a certificate and a dress and an actual wedding.' Running his hand through his hair Castle realised that it didn't matter what he had to do, what he had to give up, he had to help her. 'She is going to kill me when she finds out that I pretended to be married to her, Doctor.'

'I'm sure she will realise that you were only following doctors orders.'

'You obviously don't know Becke- I mean Kate.'

'Your best hope of helping her is to find out how much information she actually remembers about her past and figure out what memories have changed. Then, slowly, you can tell her what actually happened.'

Once again she was being completely ignored, something that Kate couldn't stand, at least when the topic was her. 'I am in the room you know.'

Castle rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand that was had been entwined with his throughout the whole exchange. 'Sorry, it's just a little strange at the moment.'

'You're telling me that it's a little strange at the moment. I'm sitting here in a hospital bed with a possible hole in one of my vital organs and being told that I'm delusional.'

Rick focused all his attention on her, 'you're not delusional Kate, you're just confused.'

She met his eyes sullenly, 'you make it sound so simple, so trivial.'

'It's not, I know. But there is nothing that we won't be able to get through together.'

She smiled at the cliché line. 'Now it feels like I'm in some corny movie.'

'At least you didn't think that you were Nikki Heat. Now that would have been different.'

Kate laughed a little but grimaced at the pain that erupted from the movement. Through gritted teeth she managed to mutter, 'laughter's the best medicine for some, just not shooting victims.'

The busy doctor knew that he had spent a long time, time that he would need to soon make up to finish his rounds with her. 'Detective?'

'Sorry Dr.'

'I'll leave you two in peace soon enough but I just need to check a few more things, especially the wound.' Dr Belden looked up at Castle, 'I'll have to ask you to leave, just while I check the wound.'

Kate couldn't fathom letting him leave her side, even if they weren't married she still felt like they were and she wanted her husband with her. 'No, he can stay.'

'The wound is rather high on your chest Ma'am.'

'In my memory he's seen a whole lot more than my chest; I don't think it will bother me.' The writer shot an amused glance her way while she smirked knowingly, somehow, despite having been shot and undergone surgery not long ago she was already up to teasing him. 'I don't want him to leave, I trust him and I don't want to go through this on my own.'

'If you're both sure...' Dr Belden was tentative, although he knew from the way Castle hadn't left her bedside for more than toilet breaks that they were inseparable, he didn't think that this was something that Rick would want to see.

When both of them nodded he assisted Kate in manoeuvring the gown off her shoulder, revealing half her chest covered in padding, most of it soaked through with dark blood. They both looked away as the doctor slowly pulled off the layers of padding and squeezed each other's hands as they took a look at the wound for the first time.

It was smaller than they imagined but it still caused each to gasp. The black stitches seemed to only just be holding the swollen red skin from breaking open and revealing everything beneath. Seeing the wound, not yet properly cleaned brought them both back to the moment. For him all he could think about was the way that her blood oozed over his hands and the way the life seemed to slip from her eyes before they fell shut. In her mind was the pain, the feeling like she was floating away from everything that she knew and the words 'I love you' ringing in her ears above the boom of the gun.

She was too distracted by the wound to think about the fact that she was sitting there half naked in front of her partner. He on the other hand was all too aware. This was the most he'd ever seen of the beautiful detective, other than after the explosion but then that was only a glimpse before he turned his eyes away. He was more distracted by the wound resting near the centre of her chest but he was still a man.

Before either had even began to gather their thoughts together to form a coherent sentence the doctor was finished and began re-dressing the wound with precision. 'I'll be back to check on you later, if you need anything let a nurse know.'

With that he left the two alone in the small room, each still buried deep in their own minds. Castle pulled his chair back up to the side of her bed and sat down, resting his head on the edge of the mattress. They sat there quietly for what seemed like hours, each lost in thought, absentmindedly she rubbed circles on his tensed back, he was still holding her hand for dear life but the longer they sat there in companionable silence the softer his grasp got.

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><p><strong>Well, I hope you approve and like it enough to review, they really do make my day each time. <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Lovely people who are still reading, you are amazing! Especially the reviewers, you guys are even more amazing! **

**I do not own anything that you recognise.**

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><p>In the silence of the hospital room Kate's thoughts were running a mile a minute, from one thing to another until finally she couldn't stand it anymore. 'Rick, how's my Dad?'<p>

He took a moment to respond, trying to find a way to tell the truth without bringing her down. 'He's coping.'

She didn't seem to buy his exaggeration, 'has he been told that I'm awake?'

He nodded, 'yes, I asked Denise to contact everyone. He's on his way already. He is going to be so mad that in the few hours that he was out of the hospital you woke up.'

'I'm glad he wasn't here when I woke up, at least now I know that I'm slightly off I will be able to soothe his worries, not worry him more like I did with you.'

'Hey, there's nothing off about you Kate Be-.' Castle stopped speaking abruptly when he realised that he almost went against what the doctor had told him specifically not to do.

'Castle, I may be confused about some things but not this. I know that something's wrong, I might not be able to believe that it's what the doctor is telling me but I know that there is something wrong with me.' Rick just smiled at her sympathetically. 'Could we not tell my Dad about this, please? I don't think it would be good to worry him more.'

Rick's eyes were suddenly alive with disbelief. 'Kate, he'd want to know what's wrong with you. I know that I would hate it if Alexis kept something as big as this from me.'

'It's not the same. You haven't been through what my Dad has.' Castle still looked just as determined to fight till he got what he wanted. 'Also, I need to understand it all first, I need to remember that I'm not your wife, that everything I think I know could be completely wrong. I don't want everyone to think that I'm a freak before I know how to fix myself.'

'You are not a freak; you're a beautiful woman with no more freakiness than before you were shot.'

'Oh Rick, in my memory you know how truly freaky I can be.' She smirked at the speechless writer, knowing exactly what she was doing to him.

Before Rick could form a coherent sentence and bring the conversation back to her condition her Dad was standing in the door way. His face was sunken in, reminding her all too much of the years following her mother's death. In that one moment she knew that her death would have meant the demise of her father as well, 'Dad.'

'Katie, are you okay?' Jim Beckett entered the room slowly, not even acknowledging the man by her bedside, coming to stand on the opposite side of the bed he took his daughter's other hand carefully.

'I'm better than you'd expect.' Castle scoffed slightly, earning a sharp fingernail in the palm from Kate to silence him. 'I really am; the doctor said that I'm making good progress.'

Jim finally acknowledged that Castle was even in the room, 'Rick is she really okay and not just playing the hero?'

Until he'd seen Jim he'd been determined that Kate would have to tell him what was wrong, but once he'd seen the state that the father was in he realised that maybe in this case ignorance really could be bliss. 'She's fine, a little shaken up but other than that she's as close to perfect as she could be at the moment.'

Kate turned to him and mouthed a small thank you at the writer; he just nodded slightly and squeezed her small hand in response. 'I should give you two sometime alone. Do you guys want anything?'

'Good coffee?' Kate asked hopefully, all night she'd only been allowed two small cups of water and she was dying for a good old caffeine fix.

'Not possible.' Kate pouted dramatically, easing some of her father's nerves. If she was well enough to joke around she must be coping.

Jim spoke up, 'I don't mean to make you leave but if you're going anyway you should go see Alexis and your mother. You said you would once you knew that Katie was alright and they've been so worried about you both.'

'Kate?' Rick looked to her for confirmation that it was alright.

'Go, what are you asking my permission for? I've got a new servant.' Kate smirked.

'I'll be back soon, I promise.' He turned to leave the room but Kate wouldn't let go of his hand, instead she pulled him back towards her. She looked up at him sadly and tilted her cheek towards him. Realising what she wanted he leant down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. If the kiss wasn't enough to clue Jim in on that something was majorly different, the way his lips and hands lingered on his daughter would have had a blind man understanding.

'Say hi to Alexis and your Mum for me. And thanks for the loan of you.'

Rick laughed, 'I'm sure they've been happy to have me out of their hair for a little while.' He walked out quietly, leaving the two to their little reunion.

At every floor Rick hesitated, not wanting to leave her even for a little while. He didn't want to get back and have to face her funeral this time. He knew that Jim was with her but he still didn't want to leave her, it was only the enticing thought of seeing his daughter and mother that had him take each hesitant step towards the large hospital exit.

It was only as the fresh air hit his face and the smell of fresh coffee wafted over from the little cafe across the street that he realised how enclosed he had been for the past day. He hadn't been out of the hospital for even a minute after racing here in the ambulance, and from the moment she had been shot Rick felt like his heart was in a box that was slowly getting smaller. Since she woke up the box lid had been fluttering and at the moment the box had cracked a lid, but only slightly.

He hailed a cab and made his way back up to the apartment absentmindedly. Finally he put his key in the lock and stepped into his loft. Before he was even fully through the door what seemed like a flaming ball of hair had attached itself to him. He held her for a few moments but then the need for air closed in. 'Alexis, as much as I love your hugs, I do need to breathe.'

She released his middle but still held onto his arms, he could tell that she was more than just worried about him, 'how's Detective Beckett?'

'Not even a hello for your amazing father?' Alexis just looked at him with her eyebrows raised, 'she's awake, a little confused but other than that in the best condition the doctor thinks possible. Where's Gram?'

Alexis breathed a sigh of relief at the news; it had been an anxious wait for everyone in the waiting room including her. 'In her room, she'll be down in a minute. I'm so glad you're safe.'

'Me too Pumpkin,' Rick pulled Alexis back in for another hug, happy to have her in his arms.

'Richard, is that you?' Rushing down the stairs Martha hugged her son and granddaughter, 'I'm so glad you're home.'

'Not for long, I promised Kate that I'd be back soon.'

Alexis looked a little disappointed at the news, 'you're not going to sleep at the hospital again are you?'

'Of course not, I just thought I'd go back and see her later once her Dad's gone so that she isn't so lonely.'

Alexis was sceptical, 'make sure you don't because I won't listen to you whinge about having a sore back after.'

'Me, whinge? Never.' Rick said sarcastically with a cheeky grin.

After a shower and a change he was feeling a lot better than before and after a hot meal that wasn't hospital food he was feeling even healthier. Finally he settled down on the couch with Alexis and Martha to just talk.

The minutes seemed to stretch into hours while he was away from Kate, every few seconds he'd look up at the clock only to have his face fall when it hadn't seemed to move an inch. Finally Alexis had enough of trying to get her Dad's attention.

'Just go see her, I'll see you tonight.'

'No, I'll stay for a little while longer.'

'Dad you haven't been still for the past hour and you are looking up at the clock constantly, just go. I'll be fine here.'

His spirits lifted instantaneously; as much as he loved his family all he wanted right at that moment was to see Kate. 'Are you sure?'

'Of course I'm sure.'

Rick kissed both women goodbye and rushed back to the hospital, tired of being away from Kate while she was injured.

When he finally got back Jim was gone and Kate was sitting there with Lanie instead.

'Rick, you're finally back. I thought you'd forgotten about me.'

'How could I forget about you?' he leant in to give her a delicate kiss on the cheek before sitting back in his chair.

'Well, I don't want to break up this little love fest so I'll be on my way.' The medical examiner winked at them both, leaving them with faces like teenagers who had been caught by their parents. She sauntered out of the room with a Cheshire grin.

'So, what did she have to say?'

'That I shouldn't hit you too hard when I get better.'

Rick smiled, 'so she knows then?'

Kate faked a sigh, 'she read my charts, having a doctor friend really is annoying sometimes.'

'Speaking of doctors, has Dr Motorcycle boy been in yet? I can't quite remember if he was on the list of people to contact, but he was always making checkups while you were out.'

'He hasn't been in but Lanie did tell me that you hit Josh.' She put emphasis on his name.

Rick feigned a guilty conscience, 'to be fair, he advanced on me first.'

'Don't pretend to be apologetic Mr; I know you're just bursting to tell me how you managed to hit him without getting a scratch yourself.'

He pretended to be hurt, holding a hand over his heart dramatically, 'am I that predictable?' Smiling Rick continued with his story, 'alright, it was while you were in surgery and we were all sitting in the waiting room fully on edge. Josh burst through the doors; his scrubs still splattered with some poor guy's blood and demanded to know how it happened. That was all okay, but then he started to blame the boys and me for not protecting you, which now that I think about it is understandable since I'd been blaming myself constantly. But I was so tired and on edge that I told him to leave because...' Rick trailed off, he knew that he'd told her once but she may not even remember, she may not even care. With that thought it wasn't as hard to remind her, 'because the waiting room was for loved ones only and you didn't love him. Then before I knew it we were both raising our fists, I ducked his punch and sunk one in his gut.'

Kate shook her head with a small smile on her face, 'Looks like those lessons on self defence we gave you paid off, although probably the wrong person to use them on.'

Rick laughed in relief, 'you should have seen it. It was awesome.'

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><p><strong>Would you all prefer this length updates with the same amount of time in between or longer updates and longer between updates? I had a reviewer suggest longer updates but I know that it takes me about a day per 1,000 words, with editing, and I just wanted to see if you guys would be happy to wait longer but get more.<strong>

**Reviews for my birthday? **


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry for the wait. Work, birthdays, learner's permits and the like all ate into my writing time but I should be able to start writing regularly again. Oh and I got Heat Wave and Naked Heat, finally! Although I am a little disappointed, they just don't seem quite right to me.**

**I own nothing, other than Heat Wave and Naked Heat, but they are only copies, I own no rights.**

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><p>It was late when Castle's phone rang interrupting their conversation. Kate watched him closely as he was talking. The lines on his face were dark and haunting, showing how much stress he had been under lately, making her feel extremely guilty. She didn't just feel guilty for having him stress over her being shot but she knew that the rest of those lines were also her fault, she had drawn him into the mess that was her life, and her life was so firmly intertwined with her mother's case that no one escaped the problems once she fully let them in. She wasn't good for him, yet he was so good for her. It just didn't seem fair that he lost so much in the relationship, but Kate couldn't tell him to leave, she needed him too much. She knew that without him she'd be back where she had been three years ago, too serious and everyday sinking further into the depression that she had fought to get out of after her mother's death. As selfish as she was being there was no way she could ask him to leave.<p>

'That was Alexis, reminding me that I promised to come home tonight.'

'You don't want to keep her waiting do you?'

Rick looked tentatively at the detective, not wanting to hurt her. 'Do you want me to say, because if you do I can? Alexis will understand.'

Kate wanted desperately to ask him to stay but she couldn't. She couldn't take his daughter's father away for yet another night. 'You made a promise to your daughter and you better keep it.'

'Are you sure?'

Nodding slightly Kate hid her disappointment. 'I'm positive.'

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><p>Once Castle had finally left with the promise of returning early the next day and the nurses made their rounds everything was a little bit too distant for Kate. The lights were out and she was all alone, only the distant hospital sounds surrounded her.<p>

Kate hadn't been alone since she woke up, every moment she had someone to distract her from her thoughts and until she was all alone she didn't realise how much she needed someone to entertain her. Without someone there were all sorts of things were running through her mind so fast that she couldn't keep up, memories filled with anguish, pain, screams, tears, gun shots.

All that she could do was lay there with tears falling down her face, wishing that she could go back to before it all and listen when she was asked to stop. If she hadn't been so stubborn none of this would have happened, Montgomery would be alive, she wouldn't be in hospital, and she wouldn't have caused everyone so much stress. It all came down to her.

Montgomery was dead and it was her fault, two girls were in a position that she knew all too well and her stubbornness had put them there. If she had listened everyone would be fine, everything would have stayed the same and everyone would have been happy. Now she had subjected everyone to pain and for nothing, all they now knew was the identity of the third cop, a discovery that they could have done without. Montgomery had never even told her the name of the leader and the leader already had another sniper. They were back where they had begun, only this time without Montgomery, the logical brain in the operation.

She curled up on her side, careful to protect the wound on her chest. Twisting the edge of the sheet between her fingers she contemplated calling someone and by someone she knew that it would be Rick. She still couldn't quite believe that they weren't married, every memory that she had seemed so real and so right that it was going to take a long time to believe that he wasn't her husband. Kate didn't know if she would be able to go back to where they had begun, especially when she didn't know which memories were real and which were the fakes. She could realise herself about some things but there were others that she couldn't decide about. Were the lingering looks, the warm smiles, the ever present touching real or fake? Had she imagined the whole relationship or was there a spark, something that drove her into this delusion.

The doctors had slowly taken away her morphine and although the pain wasn't unbearable it kept reminding her about everything, even if she managed to think of something else for a moment the ache would bring her thoughts back to the past few days. Nothing could save her from the memories; and she knew that they were going to be with her forever. She'd end up being able to live with them, she knew that but for the moment they were all consuming.

Feeling around on the bedside table she found the necklace that held her mother's ring and unclasped it. Slipping the ring off she placed it on her own finger, it made her feel safer. It reminded her of the wedding rings that her mind had conjured; even the comforting feel had become imprinted in her mind.

For the rest of the night Kate didn't sleep, her mind was too busy dragging her back through memories that may or may not have happened. She was agonising about things that may or may not have happened. At one point a night nurse offered to call someone but she knew that it was too late; she couldn't tell anyone what was going on without having them think she was getting worse. Not her father, not Lanie, not even the one man she knew would listen, Rick.

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><p>The boys arrived early, throwing a cream coloured teddy bear onto her bed Esposito took the chair on her right, while Ryan sat the flowers he was holding carefully on the shelf across from her bed.<p>

'You're finally awake!' Esposito faked exasperation, slouching back in his chair and grinning broadly at his fellow detective.

'I was only out for a day Javier Esposito.'

Esposito faked terror, 'full name, I must be in trouble.'

'Don't make me get Lanie onto you.'

'You wouldn't dare.'

'Oh wouldn't I?'

Esposito chuckled as Kate smiled happily at the familiar banter. 'Where's Castle anyway?'

'He went home late last night.'

Ryan butted in after arranging the flowers to his approval. 'How'd they get him out?'

'Alexis.' Both Esposito and Ryan smiled knowingly. 'He wanted to stay but I told him to leave.'

'Did he tell you who the new Captain is?' Ryan grinned wickedly.

Esposito nodded in agreement with his partner. 'Oh Beckett, you're going to love her.'

'Oh no,' Kate stared between the two detectives disbelievingly, it couldn't be happening.

'Oh yes, the one and only Victoria 'Iron Gates' Gates.'

Kate groaned. 'Of course it would be her.'

'Believe me, she hasn't loosened up a bit since you two last, uh, _encountered_ each other.' Ryan placed emphasis on encountered, it was too nice of a term for what had gone down the last time the two met.

Shaking her head she replied, 'don't remind me.' Kate didn't need reminding; just the name itself set her nerves on edge.

Ryan smiled broadly at her discomfort, 'this is going to be more fun than when Castle first started with us.'

Esposito was a little too happy about this decision for Kate. 'You are forgetting something; Gates won't let us have fun.'

Somewhere within the exchange Castle had strolled in, leaning on the sturdy door frame he too smiled cruelly, 'heard about the new Captain then detective?'

'Sadly.'

'The boys wouldn't tell me why you two dislike each other so much.'

'Let's just say we are both as stubborn as each other and sit on the opposite side of the fence too often.'

'Tell him the actual story.'

Beckett just glared at Ryan. 'Don't you two have a job to get to?'

'You're not even on duty and you're bossing us around, looks like nothing's changed.'

Both men agreed though that their lunch hour was almost over. After a quick chat with Castle they walked out to face their terrifying captain once again.

All through the boys' visit Rick had been evaluating the detective. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes had increased and the bed sheets were almost falling out from being tossed and turned in. But what caught his attention the most was her mother's ring on her left finger on her left hand. Taking it lightly in his as he bent to kiss her cheek he ran a finger over it softly. Choosing not to verbally acknowledge it he sat back down, if she wanted to talk about why it was there instead of around her neck she would.

'I saw Josh on the way up here; he said that he'd be up to visit soon.'

Kate scrunched up her nose at the news, 'I really don't know what I'm going to do about him.'

'Whatever you do I'm sure he'll understand. It's Josh after all, a super cardiac surgeon who saves orphans in Africa.'

'I know, it's just that I feel like I've already done this once and that was hard enough. He was too accepting in my memory, made me feel heartless. It would be different if he wasn't such a great guy, but he just isn't the greatest guy for me.'

'You don't have to do it straight away. You could wait a couple of weeks, see how things go.'

'No, I need to do this. Like you said when we were first laid off the bomb scare case, I don't even love him.'

Castle looked quizzical, 'I didn't say that back then.'

'Yes, I remember – oh.' Kate couldn't believe that she had made up that memory, it had seemed so real. 'Either way, it was true. I never loved him and I should stop this before he gets too involved.'

'Do you want me to stay with you?'

'No, I should do this alone. I think having you in here would just be another major blow to his ego.'

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><p>It wasn't long before the handsome cardiac surgeon had made his way up to see her. After a quick hello Rick slipped out of the room, leaving Kate to deal with the mess she had made. He tried to stay away and not eavesdrop but was it really his fault if the only chair near the room was the security guard's that just happened to be within hearing range? Or course not.<p>

She was as quick and painless as she could be, and he was gracious as expected. He asked if it was about Rick and she couldn't deny that part of it was, but really she just knew that the relationship couldn't work with both of their schedules. As he walked out looking a little disheartened he nodded to Castle, just slightly, as if to warn him 'she's all yours but hurt her and I'll kill you'.

Castle expected a more morose Kate when he went back in but instead she seemed a little bit lighter, happy to have the burden off her shoulders.

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><p>'Detective, it looks like you are all clear to leave.'<p>

'Tonight?'

'If Mr Castle can have his spare room ready for you by then tonight is perfectly fine.'

Kate looked at Castle expectantly who had a sly grin on his face, 'I guess I could manage to look after a cripple, that is if she will stay.'

She bit her lip to stop herself from admitting that she would feel more at home in his apartment than her own. Although she knew that the loft wasn't her home she felt like it was, in her mind all her prized possessions were in the loft, surrounded by his, photos of her parents stood right beside photos of Alexis and Martha, her books sat with his on the many bookshelves. They both would have expected more of a fight from the independent detective but she shocked them, as she would always do by smiling as she looked between the doctor and the writer, 'there, it's all settled. I can finally leave this Godforsaken place.'

**The boring introduction is almost finally done, just a little bit more on the how Beckett will be at the Castles'. I should be able to write more now that all this is over and I actually have a partial plot line to follow rather than meandering on until I can put something interesting in there. **

**I know that a day or two is probably not long enough in hospital but do you really want to be subjected to more chapters of this and not get to the more fun stuff? **

**Well I hope you liked it and can forgive me for taking so bloody long, also any mistakes.**

**One last, unrelated note: Does anyone else think that starting up a Castle forum that actually gets used will be a good idea? Or going into an old one because I do.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry, I have been struggling with this chapter for days and it's finally gotten the best of me. But on the good side in my attempts at procrastination I have now done a very rough outline, which I never do, so I have a direction to go in and it should be easier for me to get writing.**

**All the reviewers are absolutely amazing! I try to respond but time seems to be flying by and I barely have time to write so some days I can't but I just have to say that I love each and every review, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy.**

**I own nothing.**

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><p>Half an hour later everything had been packed up and they were ready to leave. As Kate did one last check on the room Rick went to get a nurse. Walking back into the small room he brought a wheelchair, Kate looked at him with disapproval. 'No way am I using one of those, I can walk perfectly fine.'<p>

'Kate,' Castle said condescendingly, 'you're just getting out of hospital. It's either this, or I carry you.'

At the suggestive smirk on his handsome face she couldn't help but give in. 'Fine, I'll use the damn chair.'

Castle smiled to himself as he grabbed the bags that Lanie had brought in for her off the bed. It was going to be a fun recovery he could tell.

Lowering herself onto the worn out chair gingerly Kate waited for Castle to take off with his usual enthusiasm, instead he went cautiously much to her surprise. As they exited the room Kate saw her guards for the first time.

She turned to look up at Rick with surprise, 'I have a watch on my room?'

He looked back at her with disbelief, how could she not have realised that there would be someone watching her every second of the day? 'Kate, someone just attempted to kill you. I don't think anyone would be happy without you being under twenty four hour surveillance.'

'Does that mean they will be at the apartment too?' As Castle nodded sympathetically she sighed in exasperation. 'As much as I hate it, I guess I can understand. I just can't see Gates giving me resources is all.'

'Kate your colleagues would have done it in their time off if Gates naively said no. But even she seems to be above this petty argument if it means protecting her top detective.' Kate could sense the next words spinning through his mind, 'so are you going to tell me the story about you two or do I have to pry it out of the boys? Because my powers of persuasion never cease to amaze.'

She raised an eyebrow slightly, 'they're more afraid of me than you so, don't even bother trying Mr.' Her tone was harsh but the smile on her face gave away the fact that she didn't really mind if he found out. She knew that she would receive a whole lot of teasing if he ever did but it wasn't the worst thing he could find out about her past, who knows what would happen if he ever discovered the modelling photos.

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><p>Kate leant heavily on Castle as she got out of the car, standing on the front walk of their, no, his apartment as Rick grabbed her bag from the taxi she had never felt more relieved to have Eduardo, the door man, shoot her a sympathetic smile. As he held the door open for them to enter the cool building he welcomed her back and wished her well.<p>

They rode up to the loft in silence, mostly because Kate was struggling for breath after the short walk from the car. Not being able to be independent was going to kill her, she knew it already.

As the elevator pinged signalling that they were on their floor Castle looked at Kate, 'you ready?'

Not sparing any energy she nodded slightly and took a small step forward. As they hobbled towards the door he held her firmly to his side to help her keep balanced. Having her pressed so tightly to him, so weak and small reminded Castle of how hurt she truly was. She may be out of hospital but the past few months had damaged her, even though she was already so thin she had dropped weight, a fact that he barely realised until he held her so close and could feel her ribs. Not only that, but without her usual strong stance and power heels she looked so much more fragile, at the moment she looked like she couldn't take down a fly, let alone a two hundred pound suspect.

Kate stiffened as he placed the key in the door, she didn't know what would happen to her once he opened the door. She didn't want to freak out because all the things she knew about the loft might be completely different but she couldn't show her fears. Once she was in and the ball of panic that was settling in the pit of her stomach had melted away slightly she let go of the breath she didn't even realise she was holding. Rick led her over to the couch in the living room.

'I'll just go put these in your room.' He said holding up the two bags of her things. 'Then we can watch a movie, that is, if you don't want to just rest.'

Kate smiled slightly at his unneeded worry, 'that'd be good.'

As she sank back into the expensive leather of the sofa she felt at home, no words could convey the relief she felt at being there. Even if it wasn't her home she still felt like the walls held the memories of happier days, which they did, only not the ones that Kate was thinking of. The evidence sat right in front of her, the mantelpiece that was supposed to hold their wedding photo held a candid of Alexis and Rick, her magazines weren't splayed over the coffee table along with his and her movies weren't filling in the gaps between his. Sighing she shut her eyes to remove the proof of her insanity.

As Rick made his way upstairs he paused to look back at the detective. He could sense the relief that she felt at being here, he felt his own relief at her being there, being out of the hospital but seeing her in pain and confused made him feel worse about everything. Why hadn't he protected her? Why didn't he realise that there was a sniper there sooner? Why couldn't he have forced her to be more careful? The regretful thoughts were bringing him down but he knew that not being with her would cause more pain than feeling like a failure.

If she knew what was going on in the writer's ever active mind she would have slapped him, that is if he was lucky enough to be spared a worse fate. While she was thinking about a past that never happened he was wishing for a past that didn't involve her getting shot and Montgomery dying.

Slowly Rick regained control over his traitorous thoughts and continued up stairs to Kate's room. She had stayed in that exact room while she lived with them after her apartment blew up, would she remember that? What would she remember of her life? Pushing thoughts of twisted memories from his head he was able to meander back down to the kitchen, pausing only quickly to check the mail that had piled up on the counter.

He flipped through them quickly, not seeing anything of importance until one envelope stood out to him. It was larger than the rest and rather than the off white of usual envelopes this one was yellow. But what stood out to him the most was the hasty scrawl of 'Richard Castle' across the front. He had recognised the writing immediately, on the few days he'd bothered to help with paperwork he'd been assigned the hard task of typing Montgomery's files, something that the Captain had never liked doing himself so it wasn't hard to place. He contemplated opening it but he knew that whatever it held couldn't be good, maybe ignorance could be bliss for a small moment.

Just to be on the safe side he decided to smuggle the letter into his study, if the envelope didn't hold good news he knew that he could never let Kate see it and if she recognised the writing she wouldn't let him go until he revealed all that it held to her. If he revealed something big too soon she wouldn't be able to recover, it was better to let her think that it was over for a moment and get her health back before springing anything on her again. He'd dragged her back into her mother's murder once, and he wasn't sure if he could do it again.

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><p>They began the movie on opposite ends of the couch, her feet resting lightly on his lap. As her eyes started to close he beckoned her closer so that she could rest more comfortably on him. Twisting and turning all night had taken the little she had and now all she needed was some rest. If she had felt at home once she walked through the doors she was now in heaven, she was quickly lulled into sleep by the comforting rise and fall of Rick's chest.<p>

He watched her for a while, trying to focus on the movie but she was too distracting. In sleep the stress seemed to have fallen out of her face, instead of looking like a hospital patient she looked peaceful, maybe a little pale but there was no worry showing in her beautiful face. Twisting a piece of her copper hair around his finger he paused the movie, it wasn't like he was going to finish it anyway. Slowly he too drifted off to sleep.

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><p><strong>What do you want to see next chapter, a moment, a line, a kiss? Let me know and I might just write it in there, if it works with the story that is, and with this story line I don't see what wont.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own anything that you recognise. **

**Don't hate me for taking so long, personal stuff got in the way but if I can manage it I'll have all tomorrow off to write and regain my sanity. I loved all of your suggestions and reviews! Most of the suggestions I already had planned for somewhere in the story but the rest of them will also be added soon enough. **

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><p>Rick awoke to the smell of cherries and a warm body against his. He closed his eyes once more, revelling in the feeling of Kate snuggled warmly into his side. If his back wasn't already aching from the hard hospital chairs combined with falling asleep on the couch he would have stayed there and not interrupted her peaceful sleep. Instead he decided to move them both off to bed.<p>

How to move her was the most difficult task, he didn't want to wake her and he knew that if she woke up while he was carrying her the Kate he knew would most likely attempt to hurt him. She looked too peaceful for him to wake so with the skill of a father he lifted her carefully into his arms. She really was tiny, no more than skin and bones.

Once she was securely in his arms she sleepily rested her head on his shoulder and loosely wrapped her arms around his neck. He walked slowly up the stairs, careful not to trip and fall. As he kicked open the door to her room she nestled further into his neck, her warm breath hitting his skin tantalisingly. He lowered her back onto the bed and paused for a moment just to see that she was okay.

As he turned towards the door he felt the tug of her hand in his, he looked back and her eyes were open, focused on him. 'Stay, please.'

He was torn, he could sense the desperation in her voice and all he wanted was to hold her close and never let go but his conscience wouldn't stop screaming at him that it was wrong to encourage her dream. In the end he locked his conscience up and let his heart take control.

Rick walked around the bed to settle into the other side, as he slid under the covers Kate shifted towards him automatically. Meeting in the middle she pulled his arm around her waist, he held it there hesitantly for a moment as she laced her fingers through his.

Every fibre of his being was being drawn to her while every piece of his mind was telling him that it was wrong. After a few minutes of consideration he felt Kate's breathing even out once again and she snuggled closer. Fatigue was quickly taking over the writer and he knew that if he went down to his own bed sleep would evade him yet again so he gave in and relaxed slightly, settling in with just a tiny gap between the two.

As the two slept side by side they were each dreaming of each other. While he was dreaming of a life that he didn't remember she was dreaming of things that seemed more real to her than the past two days.

Her mind seemed to flicker through random memories, a ring, a kiss, a touch, a laugh, a declaration before it finally settled on one to replay.

_She looked up at him as he sat across from her in the blaringly white quarantine tent. Kate had too much experience to be a pessimist about the situation, if she became wound up and desperate she could make a mistake that could cost a life. Despite her resolve it was hard to stop the thoughts from entering her mind with Castle constantly voicing his concern. _'_Can we just talk about something else'_

_'Yeah,' Rick paused, trying to think of something other than the radiation and potential bomb to talk about. 'How's Josh?'  
><em>  
><em>She couldn't help but raise her eyebrows at his ability to constantly pick up on what was troubling her. 'Fine.' Contemplating her next few words carefully she tried to hide the disappointment she felt. 'He's, um...he's on his way to Haiti to do another Doctors Without Borders mission.' <em>

_Although her face barely gave a hint to her resentment for the trip the way she spoke told Castle more than she wanted. 'How long?'_

_Kate shrugged, barely whispering an 'I don't know.' The understanding on his face made it impossible for her to look him in the eye. She smiled sadly. 'It's so funny, Castle. You know, at first I loved that he was so busy. It just... just gave me an opportunity to keep one foot out the door just in case. _

_Rick was desperate to stop the wringing of her hands, he contemplated taking them in his but he couldn't. 'But with one foot out the door, it's hard to know where you stand.'_

_She didn't know how but Castle had pried opened the floodgates on the things she'd been bottling up. 'And even if I did, I mean, what does it mean?' After her burst she paused. 'He's out there. He's saving people.' She released a humourless laugh. 'Just—how do you even compete with that?'_

_Rick shook his head defiantly. 'You can't. No.' If anyone could she could. 'No one can.'_

_'And that's one of the things that attracted me to him the most. That...passion. That...drive.' Rick's face slowly morphed from empathy to reserve as she spoke so openly. Both were surprised at the uncharacteristic pouring out of the truth. 'Why is it that the thing that attracts you to a person always ends up being that thing that just drives you crazy?' The next few words surprised Kate more than the whole outburst, the realisation that the dream was one she had long ago labelled foolish. 'I just wish that it- I wish that I had someone who would be there for me, and I could be there for him, and we could just dive in to it together.'_

_What could he say to that? Could he tell her that he would be that guy, he would be there for her through everything, he already tried to be. 'I- Beckett, if that's what you want then go find him. And if- if you...' Castle's declaration was cut off by the unzipping of the tent door._

_'You're free to go' Castle raised his hand in an attempt at stopping the man from interrupting but Kate continued talking to him begging for good news. As Kate stood up to leave with slightly higher hopes Rick cursed himself and all the Gods in the universe for their horrible timing._

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><p>When Kate woke the other side of the bed was long cold. She could hear the sounds of the Castles downstairs, laying there she contemplated going back to sleep but instead she got up and walked down to the kitchen slowly.<p>

The full night's sleep was welcome, because even if her memory was distorted her body spoke the truth of her stress. The weary and exhausted detective from the night before had recovered slightly to the point that there was a little bit of colour present in her cheeks.

As Kate came into view Martha rushed over to her side and held her in a loose hug, weary of her wound. 'I'm glad you're here.'

Kate hugged her back, relishing in what she remembered to be familiar arms. 'Thanks Martha, I'm glad you'll have me.'

Martha released her but still held the tops of her arms comfortingly. 'I wouldn't have it any other way plus it's not like we'd have any choice with my son around.'

She smiled over at Rick who was settled behind the kitchen bench, a frying pan filled with bacon in front of him. He smiled back, happy to see her awake and slightly brighter than the night before, 'it's true.'

Martha stepped away as her granddaughter came to rest beside her. Alexis was a little more reserved than her grandmother but her hug was fiercer, making Kate wince slightly from the pressure. 'I'm so glad you're okay.' At her hiss Alexis stepped back, 'sorry.'

Kate felt sad as the hug ended, Alexis felt like a daughter to her and she didn't want to think about never seeing her beautiful face smiling at her again. 'Don't worry about it. I'm glad too, sorry for scaring you all like that.'

'Just don't do it again.' Alexis said smiling slightly, but the smile did nothing to hide the seriousness behind her words.

They all settled into stools along the kitchen bench to eat some of what Rick prepared. But before long Alexis had to leave for school insistent that she needed to be there if she was going to graduate early despite her father's objections.

As much as she tried to convince herself that this was the only reason she knew that really she just couldn't handle being stuck in the loft as a witness to the horrors of Kate's job.

Alexis knew when her Dad started shadowing the detective that there were risks and as the years went by they seemed to become bigger and bigger. She wanted to see her father happy and being with Kate made him happy but she wanted him to stay alive for her even more. As his only daughter she was used to having him there as her constant admirer, protector, slightly unstable conspirator and she couldn't fathom the pain that she would experience if she lost him.

It was probably selfish of her but for some reason she blamed Kate, not for capturing her Dad's heart but for letting him enter situations that could get him killed. In fact Alexis was more than glad that Kate had brought her father down to Earth a little, she balanced the crazy in him and she wanted her Dad to be able to love someone who loved him back unconditionally. But how could someone who loves her Dad permit him to risk his life doing something that wasn't necessary?

Alexis heard the laughter that rang out as she shut the loft door behind her and felt the guilt pop up in her heart. How could she stop her family from including someone who makes them all so happy?

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><p><strong>If you liked it please review and if you didn't review and let me know.<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**I absolutely love watching and re-watching all the best Castle moments and being able to call it 'research.' **

**I don't own anything you recognise. **

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><p>Rick's phone began to ring on the edge of the counter, it was Gina. He began to place the phone back down when his mother's look of disapproval made him falter.<p>

'Richard, you've been ignoring her all week and you know what happens when you don't take her calls.'

'I don't have to write.' Rick smiled cheekily.

Martha waved her hand in annoyance. 'No, she comes over here, forces you to write and then we have to put up with her.'

Rick pouted like a small child, 'but I don't have time to write. I have to look after Kate.'

'Rick, I'm not a child, I can look after myself.'

'But you're hurt.' He sounded desperate, looking for a reason to avoid writing.

'Stop avoiding Gina. Now you pick up the phone or I will.' Rick pushed the phone in her direction, she just lifted her eyebrow slightly and hit answer before throwing it at him.

Gina's voice carried through the phone clearly enough that Rick left the room to take his berating in private. Martha and Kate laughed at his attempts to soothe the irate publisher.

'Now he'll be sitting with his laptop all day pretending to write how about we have a girls day? Here in the apartment of course.'

Kate smiled at Martha. 'That'd be nice.'

As Martha set up all the necessities for a proper girls day Kate watched on in amusement. She was still the Martha she remembered, even if the memories weren't real. Settling down on the couch with her was like slipping on her favourite pair of jeans, familiar and thoroughly comfortable.

Martha could sense that there was more going on than Rick had told her but she didn't want to push. Instead she let the quiet do it for her, as the movie rolled she saw the first tear roll down Kate's cheek. She tried to wipe it away quickly but Martha had already seen, she tried to laugh it off but the other woman's motherly instincts wouldn't let her.

'Kate I know that you've been through a lot lately but it seems like there's something else bothering you, something that you don't know who to talk to about. I may seem like a bit of a carefree actress but I have a good ear, and good advice for everyone but myself.' When Kate just looked at her Martha continued, 'I'm not going to give up until you agree to tell someone.'

Kate bit her lip hesitantly, 'how much has Rick told you?'

Martha took her reply as a good sign, 'how much has Rick told me about what?'

'My mental health?' Kate scrunched up her nose at the words, she hated the term, it made her feel unstable.

'He just said that you are a little confused and shaken up which is understandable.' Martha was looking at Kate with such compassion that Kate forgot that she had to keep everything locked up.

'Well for once he put it modestly.' Kate took a deep breath, tears beginning to brim in her eyes. 'I have retrograde amnesia. And not only that my case isn't even normal, instead of losing my memory I've changed it.' Once again she paused to regain her composure, and when Martha nodded for her to continue she did. 'Ever since I woke up I've had all these memories of being married, to your son, memories that I feel are real.'

Martha placed a hand soothingly on her knee as Kate felt the second tear roll down her cheek. 'Kate, do you want to talk about it?'

'I – I don't know.' She began fiddling with the hem of her shirt as she tried to blink back the tears.

Martha remembered Rick telling her once about Kate's inability to open up, no matter how much she needed to. She decided that the best way to continue would be to prompt her again, 'how about you tell me what you remember?'

Kate was a little uncertain, but talking was supposed to work miracles, at least, that's what everyone told her after her mother died. Kate nodded reluctantly, trying to think of where she should start. 'Alright, but I'm no Richard Castle at storytelling...'

_As the fog swirled around the two they held each other tight. She rested her head on his shoulder, hoping to transfer a little bit more warmth. Being a detective Kate knew that she could die any day, in her profession a long life wasn't promised so she had prepared herself for death. Only this was not the death scene she had seen so many times in her nightmares, there was no blood, no heat, only cold, bone chilling, lung invading cold. She could feel herself slipping away, slowly loosing grip on reality. Did she want to die with things left unsaid? _

_'Castle,' her shivering, made it almost impossible to speak. Lifting her hand slowly she touched his jaw, wanting to make contact with him at least one last time. 'Thank you... for being there.'_

_'Always.' It was one word that held so much meaning, even more so when they were both about to die._

_'I just want you to know how much I love you...' Kate trailed off as her body turned against her and shut down sinking her into a dark, dreamless sleep._

_His heart soared at her words only to be brought back to reality when he felt her slowly fade away in his arms, he attempted to keep her awake knowing that if they fell asleep there was little chance that they would make it. 'Kate, stay with me.' He refused to give in and admit that she wasn't going to wake up. Desperately he forced his frozen lips to keep moving, praying that he could save her, 'stay with me. Kate.' As he too felt himself slowly sinking into nothingness he muttered the words that he'd never found the courage to admit before. 'Kate, I love you.'_

_The lights were too bright and the noise was too loud. She closed her eyes to block the blaring white. She could feel a warm hand in hers only the voice was wrong. _

_'Kate.' Josh knelt by her side and leant in for a kiss. Kate turned her head causing his lips to make contact with her cold cheek instead._

_Frantically she looked out the back of the ambulance, searching for the writer's handsome face. 'Where's Castle?'_

_'He's in the other ambulance, but I don't think he's awake yet.'_

_'I need to see him.' Kate tried to sit up but Josh stopped her before she could._

_'Not so fast, you can see him in a moment just let us check you out first.' Kate relented, lying back on the hard stretcher. Josh did the routine checks demurely, the past few moments were causing him to face a truth which he had tried so hard to deny. She hadn't even acknowledged him properly but was ready to run to Castle's side. Josh knew that their whole relationship was just a distraction, a means of self preservation._

_As soon as he was finished he helped her up and down the ambulance steps, as her feet hit the hard pavement she rushed away from him and towards the other ambulance. She stopped in her tracks once she reached the entrance to the next van. He wasn't awake, he was lying there, peacefully, like all the cases that Kate hated to work where the killer was almost always a serial killer. _

_ The paramedic inside wouldn't let her enter, instead she was ushered away by one of the uniforms. _

_Josh rushed over to her with the blanket that she had forgotten about in her haste to see Castle. He wrapped it around her shoulders and hugged her as she stood there awkwardly waiting for him to release her. 'I thought you were in Haiti?'_

_'I couldn't leave.' _I couldn't leave and lose my chance. _Josh knew that if he had left he would have lost Kate forever._

_Before Kate could even make sense of the emotions in her heart Josh was called over to the ambulance. He was awake. Kate stayed where she was just for a moment to catch her breath before strolling over to a car where she could see Rick slowly waking. As his eyes met hers everything seemed to drop away, she was just relieved that he was okay. _

_When he was finally able to come over and see her she smiled warmly out of relief. _

_'Saw your boy's back in town.'_

_'Mm-hmm,' Beckett nodded looking over at Josh.' He came back.'_

_Castle couldn't help but shoot a death glare at the handsome doctor, luckily neither Beckett nor Josh saw it as both were looking at each other. 'So what does that mean to you?'_

_Kate paused, deciding what to say, 'it means that we have a chance.' _A chance that I'm not sure I want to take. _She pushed those thoughts from her mind, at the moment the case came first. 'Come on Fallon wants to debrief.'_

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><p><em>Rick left soon after to calm the nerves of his daughter and mother who had called frantically for the past hour. Kate was going to offer him a lift but if the past few hours had taught her anything it was that things shouldn't be left unsaid. No one can tell when it's going to be their last chance and before she could have all the conversations she needed with Rick there was one thing that had to be said.<em>

_Pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders she walked over to Josh for the tough conversation. When she reached him he once again tried to pull her into a hug only this time she stopped him. She tried to be as quick and painless as possible._

_'Josh, we need to stop pretending.' Kate paused, regretting looking him in the eyes, the sadness there was becoming unbearable. '_I _need to stop pretending, I need to stop pretending that you're him and that I'm yours because we both know it's never going to happen.'_

_He looked into the distance, tears beginning to brim. Kate placed a hand on his arm softly but removed it quickly, not wanting to drag this out. 'Josh, I'm sorry.'_

_'It's okay, I understand. I may not be a detective but I'm not an idiot, I've been waiting for this.' Josh smiled dejectedly, 'he will make you happier than I can and that's all I can ask for.'_

_As she walked away from the scene with a small smile on her face, she didn't turn back, Kate had freed herself from one binding and she wouldn't regret it. _

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><p><em>'I can't see anything.' At Fallon's words both writer and detective lost all courage. 'I'm sorry.' They were going to die, along with too many innocent New Yorkers and all because they were too slow. 'I'm sorry.'<em>

_With fifteen seconds left on the timer they were forced to once again accept that they were going to die. Neither of them could make it out alive. Each was filled with regret at things left unsaid, but both knew that there wasn't time for any admissions. _

_As the seconds seemed to fly by they fought the desperate urge to run, knowing that it wouldn't do any good._

**_TEN_**

_'Castle.' If she was going to die, she'd die with his name on her lips._

**_NINE_**

_They stared at each other with remorse, both wishing that they hadn't dragged the other into this. _

**_EIGHT_**

_They held onto the other's hand like it was their last link to life._

**_SEVEN_**

_The fear each felt was overrun by only one emotion, love._

**_SIX_**

_He placed his other arm around her waist and pulled her towards him._

**_FIVE_**

_Each gravitated towards the other until their lips collided. _

**_FOUR_**

_Their kiss was filled with passion and desperation. _

**_THREE_**

_Each grasped at the other trying to get closer._

**_TWO _**

_Castle moved away from Kate, a determined look on his face. If they were going to die, well he'll be damned if he wasn't going to go down fighting._

**_ONE_**

_Time seemed to slow as he reached out to grasp the multicoloured wires. Both turned away as he pulled back forcefully._

**_ZERO_**

_A puff of smoke and a few sparks flew from the counter. Both looked back slowly, shocked that they were still alive. Neither could believe that it had worked, Rick was still waiting for his plan to backfire. As the realisation that they were going to live slowly sank in they both gave in to hysteria. _

_'Castle!' They reached for each other at the same time, wanting nothing more than to feel the other's comforting arms proving what neither could quite believe, that they were alive. The hug ended when both needed confirmation that the timer was still on zero, that it wasn't just some weird after life that they were stuck in. _

_Rick stepped back, adrenalin pumping through his veins. He wanted to dance and scream 'who's the boss? That's right, I'm the freakin' boss!' instead he settled for a 'YES!'_

_Kate laughed at him before both were overcome with the need to hold each other once again. They stood there kissing passionately in the street until the wail of the first siren approached them. _

_It was only once they were back in the break room with a cool beer in each of their hands that they were able to breathe normally. _

_ There was a slightly hysterical atmosphere in the small room, yet Esposito couldn't quite get over the seriousness of what had just occurred. 'You guys don't know how lucky you are.'_

_'Actually I do.' Rick looked over at Kate smiling kindly. They both knew how lucky they were to live another day, to be given another chance at doing the right thing by each other. _

_The tender look shared between the two didn't go unnoticed by the boys; neither did the way Beckett's eyes trailed over Castle as she followed him out of the room. _

_Once Fallon had left the two faced each other, building up the courage to confess everything that had gone unsaid just hours before. _

_Castle was the first one to talk, 'hell of a day, huh?'_

_Kate nodded in agreement, 'hell of a day.'_

_'I was wondering...' Kate lifted an eyebrow as he paused, 'do you want to go to dinner? Debrief each other?' Kate bit her lip to stop the inappropriate remark that was building only Rick interpreted it as indecisiveness. 'Come on, it'll be great.'_

_Smirking Kate gave in to the immature impulse, 'oh you have no idea.'_

_As the two gathered their things and walked towards the elevator they didn't notice Esposito and Ryan exchange a bill from the doorway of the break room. _

As Kate wound up her story she looked up from the tabletop which her eyes had been trained on throughout the whole story. Martha looked back at her speechless. She just reached for Kate and held her close, she couldn't imagine the confusion that was coursing through the detective's mind.

Kate relaxed as Martha hugged her, maybe the people who told her she should stop bottling things up were onto something.

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><p>While Kate was pouring her heart out to his mother Rick was sitting in his office alternating between pretending to write and having a staring contest with that yellow envelope. No matter where he put it, under files, in his draw, in the safe, it seemed to taunt him. He was torn, no matter what it held he would have to deal with the repercussions yet he was itching to see what was inside, finally his curiosity won out.<p>

He toyed with the edge of the envelope as he pulled it back slowly. He closed his eyes and reached inside, feeling to see what it was. Files, seven files, and a single sheet of paper. He pulled the note out first, shutting his eyes once again and breathing deeply to calm the beating in his chest.

_Rick,_

_I've trusted you with this because I know you'll do the right thing. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt her and I know you'll be the only one who could stop her running head first into his clutches. Protect her, no matter what it takes. If she is never ready, never let her find out about this. Justice is important but not as important as her life. _

He stopped reading and placed the letter back into the envelope, he couldn't keep reading, not now, he wasn't ready to drag himself through the torment of having this sort of information once again.

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><p><strong>Is it sad that we are doing role-plays in school and every single time my teacher says it all I can think is 'you afraid of a little role-play? Hah.'<strong>

**All the reviewers are absolutely amazing! Seriously, you guys can make my terrible day seem like the best day. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I own nothing.**

**All the reviewers are absolutely extraordinary! Without you guys I don't think the second chapter would have even happened. **

**Oh and please thank for this chapter, without it, well let's just say you wouldn't be reading anything right now. **

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><p>With each step that separated her from the author and brought her to the bottomless pit known as sleep she felt her anxiety increase slightly. And as she sunk down into the expensive mattress she could feel her nerves were at their ends, her breath was getting shorter and she was shaking slightly. Fumbling as she removed the watch from her wrist, she left the ring on her finger, relishing in the comfort that it provided.<p>

What was she going do with herself? She was a tangled mess of thoughts that weren't real, a tangled mess of desires which would never be met. She was a mess of love for a man who couldn't love her the same way, and a family who only saw her as a friend.

It was late, well very early and Kate hadn't slept a wink since she had crawled up to bed just after nine. As tired and lethargic as she was when her head hit that pillow all the thoughts that she had held back throughout the day hit her with vengeance.

Releasing some of it to Martha had helped slightly but she still felt like there was something sitting under the surface, waiting to explode. Whether it was a scream, a cry or a whimper, she didn't know.

The ball of worry was doing somersaults in the pit of her stomach, it seemed to be swirling faster and faster with each second. Growing, spinning, turning. The panic that overcame the detective brought her into a paralytic state. She wasn't crying but she needed to, it was like her body became a different thing. All that she was left with was her mind and the guilt, with no way of it escaping through strangled sobs.

When she closed her eyes the feelings only increased with more memories flashing through her mind, memories that she couldn't trust.

_They were walking down the hall together, if anyone looked they wouldn't have guessed that something had changed in their relationship a few nights ago. 'Esplanie.' _

_'What?'_

_'__Lanie and Esposito like FoxCan. We can call them Esplanie, which is perfect, because they're always Esplaning things.'_

_Kate just smiled at his enthusiasm before curiosity overtook her, 'What would our shipper name be?'_

_As they walked further down the hall Rick looked to be in deep thought. 'Beckle? Rate?' As a large grin came over his face he announced merrily. 'No Caskett! Which is perfect because we're detectives.' _

_Kate bit her lip to stop a giggle from escaping. _I didn't almost giggle, I'm Kate Beckett, I don't giggle. _Regaining her serious face she teased, 'actually I'm a detective, you're just...'_

_'The pretty face, the brains, the brawn.' _

_With each suggestion the smug grin on her face grew, and the look on his face at her reply settled it there for good. 'A hindrance'._

_Rick held a hand over his heart in mock hurt as they each opened a door to the car. Rick grabbed her hand in his as they each settled in, his heart soared when she didn't pull away. _

_So far they had only had dinner, no proclamations, and no more contact they were just beginning to accept the inevitable. Kate wanted to take it slow, while Rick wanted to run head first but he was willing to wait, for her. He'd already waited three years, what would a little bit longer do to him? _

_After a week he was regretting those words immensely, even if they had never been shared out loud. Even the slightest touch was driving him crazy, he wanted to scream from the top of the Empire State building that he loved her, that she was his but Beckett was too good of a shot. Those three words that ran through his mind a million times a day would scare her into running. He'd said them once but they were about to die, that was different, now they couldn't be said until the 'right time.' _

_He was sick of waiting for the 'right time,' when would it be the right time to do this for real instead of just increasing the slight brushes of skin and not dropping eye contact when they were caught peeking. When would it be the right time for him to kiss her senseless again, when would it be the right time for him to take her in his arms and never let him go? Only Kate could answer these questions, at least that's what she thought but in her life nothing was certain other than the loyalty of the boys, Lanie and Castle. Castle had other ideas, ideas that he was tentative to approach. If he spoke too soon she'd run, at least he thought she would._

Opening her eyes the visuals stopped flooding past her eyes, instead she was swallowed up by emotion once again. This time it wasn't only worry that was clenching her heart and not letting go but sadness, grief, horror, disgust, guilt and loneliness. Kate prided herself on being independent, on being strong, but even the strongest sometimes need a hug and to be told 'that everything will be alright.' Right now she was all alone, and the quiet of the loft only emphasised it.

Finally a long awaited tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another until the tears became a waterfall of sadness cascading down her face. Her breath was coming in short sharp gulps, the loss of breath was almost welcome because instead of focusing on the loneliness she felt all she could do was attempt to breathe.

Her longing for comfort reminded her of the man who was sleeping down stairs. All she wanted was to be snuggled tightly in his arms with his soothing warmth reminding her that she wasn't alone. She wanted to be with her funny, caring, childish husband.

Kate shivered, not at the cold but at the coldness she felt inside. She pulled the comforter up anyway, holding it to her like it was his hand. 'Rick.' All she wanted was him, she wanted him to hold her like she needed.

She placed one foot on the floor by her bed, unsure of what she was doing. As her other foot followed she left her mind in the bed, and her brainless body walked down the stairs slowly. Kate, couldn't rationalise why she was doing it but she was powerless to stop it. Her sobs subsided as she was making her way down, it was as if with each inch closer she got the sadness diminished slightly.

As her feet hit the soft carpet of his office rug she paused, her mind fighting back against her desire for Rick. With exaggerated slowness she made her way over to the door. Biting her lip she reached forward slowly, hesitating when she could feel the coolness of the metal radiated onto her fingertips.

Could she do it? Could she let him see her like this? Broken and alone, confused and unhappy. Could she drag him into this mess that was her mind? Her heart screamed yes while her conscience beat the voice out with a no. With all the thoughts swirling through her head she couldn't make a decision.

Each time she reached for the door handle she retracted as soon as the cold managed to reach her. She saw it as a warning, that entering would be cold, and heartless. But shivering painfully she felt cold and lonely, and loneliness is a human's worst enemy. Loneliness is what inspires people to kill, to hurt, to hunt. Loneliness is what encircles the deepest pits of humanity. Loneliness gets inside a person's head and twists it, and they are left to cope, to find a distraction, to find comfort. Kate remembered all the times that Castle stopped her loneliness, he may not have known it but that day when she crashed his book launch was a new beginning for her. She had found another escape, an escape from the loneliness that previously she left through her passion to find her mother's killer.

She placed a hand on the door handle longingly, but she couldn't do it. She gave up her fight and turned until her back was against the bookshelves of his office, she slid down to the floor. Hugging her knees to her chest she bit back the loud sobs that were threatening to escape. She was biting so hard that she could taste the warm blood as it flowed from her quivering lip.

With the cold of the floor seeping into her skin she began to shiver, but it was a nice cold, a comforting cold. If she closed her eyes she could convince herself that he was here with her, in the freezer, one arm around her as they confessed their love, well she confessed hers. But closing her eyes couldn't stop the tears that continued to fall as she tilted her head back against another hard cover murder mystery.

When a particularly large sob wracked her small frame a loud cry escaped from her lips. It seemed to echo around the empty office, bounce off every wall and come back to her.

Footsteps. Kate jumped up as soon as she heard them. If it weren't for the tears that were filling her mind with pain she might have made it away, but as the door creaked open behind her she stopped. She was like a deer in the headlights, she didn't turn but knew that he'd seen her. He slowly made his way over to her. With each footstep seeming louder than the last until they were all she could hear, not even the bustle of the city streets could reach her.

She stood there awkwardly with her back to him sobbing violently. Cautiously he placed a hand on her hip, and as she turned and fell into his chest he wound his arms around her and held her tight.

He strained to catch her words through the uncontrollable sobs, 'Sorry... Rick... needed... you.'

With each cry she fell further and further into him, until finally she knew that if he moved she'd fall. Her sobs were becoming painful, reaching every nerve in her body, now they were hurting her emotionally and physically.

He lifted one arm and began to draw small circles with the tips of his fingers on her back. 'Shh, Kate, it's okay.'

As she sobbed into him she felt a little bit of her loneliness seep away, only to be replaced by guilt. But neither emotion really mattered now that she was here in his arms. Her breath was no longer coming in short, sharp pants but huge gulps. 'It's not. It's not okay. I feel like I'm married to a man who doesn't love me. I don't know how much of my past is real and what's my imagination. Am I supposed to forget what it felt like when you said 'I do', forget what it was like the moment when I discovered that you loved me too? The moment when I realised that we would be together forever?'

He didn't know what he could say or do. This wasn't something he'd dealt with before, crying he could deal with but the level of anguish his detective was showing was too much. 'Your memory will come back Kate, I promise.'

'But I don't want to forget. I don't want to think about a time when I am not going to be with you. I want to be able to live with you, love you and have you love me back. I still think that I'm going to hear you call me darling, snap me up in a hug and kiss me senseless but it's not going to happen.'

He placed a kiss on the top of her head. 'Darling, if that's all you want then you should have just asked, I'd be happy to oblige.'

When she turned her face further into his chest her voice became even more muffled. 'But I can't ask because it's not the same. You aren't my husband and I'm not your wife.'

Once again he didn't know what to say, mostly because she was right. 'Kate, you're going to be okay.'

'No, I'm not Rick. But I'll live because pain has become a familiar factor in my life. I may never be okay but I'll live.'

'That's not right Kate, no one should be used to this level of torment.' His hand paused on her lower back. 'I don't want to think about you having this sort of pain, I want to make you better. What can I do?'

'Hold me.'

Rick rested his cheek on her hair comfortingly. 'That I can do.'

They stood in the office for a while but as fatigue overtook them both Rick pulled her into his room. They both fell onto opposite sides of the bed and when they were under the covers reached for the other. As she curled up against his chest she lifted her head sleepily and mumbled an 'I love you' before giving him a chaste kiss.

Rick froze out of shock, wondering if he had just imagined it. Maybe he had, maybe with was all just a dream, maybe he'd wake up without her in his arms, without here, warm and safe. But the feelings that were coursing through his body at the moment were worth it all, even if he was only going to find out it wasn't real.

Despite the tear stains on her face she seemed peaceful, content. He felt happier than he had all night, he'd been lying there, unable to sleep for hours. Wondering if she was alright, if she'd be okay in the end. And now he knew, that she wasn't alright, but there was hope. As she mumbled something unintelligible into his shirt he wrapped his arm around her waist, placing a hand softly on her lower back.

Closing his eyes he decided that he needed to stop thinking, Kate would get better in her own time. There was no reason to rush her recovery, after all the doctor had said that he should help her recovery by letting her remember in her own time.

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><p><strong>The kiss idea came from <strong>Kie Santiago**, and I just found it too cute to resist.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I own nothing that you recognise. **

**Ahhh three days till Rise! I'm so excited! Oh and there may be a spoiler or two in this chapter, things that have been leaked on Youtube, but they are changed slightly to fit with this.**

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><p>When Alexis walked into the kitchen she was surprised to find her Dad missing. It was a tradition that he would be there to see her off to school. She searched the fridge for breakfast but she was a Castle and no Castle can control their curiosity.<p>

Walking into his office she took a tentative few steps, contemplating leaving him in peace but she decided that there must be something wrong for him to still be asleep. Prying open the door to his room she figured out the reason. Snuggled tightly into his chest was Beckett.

They were both smiling slightly in their sleep, each obviously happy to be in the arms of the other. Alexis couldn't remember when she had seen her Dad so peaceful in sleep. When she heard her Gram bustling around in the kitchen she realised that she must have been watching the two for a while, probably a little too long and so she turned away, shutting the door quietly on the two sleeping inside.

Martha watched Alexis emerge from the office with curiosity etched on her face. 'Where's your Dad?'

'Asleep.'

Concern washed over her face, she hadn't known her son to miss Alexis in the mornings. 'Is he okay?'

'Yes, well Kate's in there.' Alexis said motioning towards the closed door.

Martha smiled knowingly, 'when are those two going to get their act together and get together? They've only waited three years.'

Alexis grimaced slightly, she wanted her Dad to be happy, she truly did but did it make her a bad daughter if she wanted him to be happy with someone who wouldn't let him put himself in dangerous situations?

Martha saw the look on her granddaughter's face but didn't comment, if Alexis wanted to talk she would.

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><p>Rick felt the warm body pressed against his and sighed in contentment at the familiar cherry scent. He knew that this was all fake but for the next few minutes he could pretend that they were together, that this would last once Kate regained her memory. If those were the only minutes he was going to get he didn't want to squander them.<p>

As much as he tried to just be in the moment with her, his mind refused to be quiet. He wanted to tell her he loved her again, but he couldn't do it until after she remembered everything. If he told her earlier it would only confuse her more, and hinder her recovery but there was nothing wrong with accepting the hugs and the chaste kisses while they lasted. No, those would be just fine.

As she mumbled and turned around in her sleep he pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head lightly he closed his eyes once more, hoping that sleep would overcome him once again.

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><p>For the second morning in a row she woke up expecting him beside her and this time he was still there, sleeping peacefully with one hand against the bare skin on her back where her t-shirt had ridden up in the night. She watched him for a moment, taking in each line of his handsome face.<p>

Guiltily she turned away rolling onto her other side. She lifted his hand from her stomach but didn't let it go, instead she laced her fingers through his loosely.

When she was nineteen part of her heart had been ripped from her, and now he held the remaining half. He was her heart, she'd never love someone like she loved him. At times she may have wanted to tell him to grow up and act like an adult but now she couldn't fathom what her life would be like without his childlike demeanour.

What was it that she had said when they were in quarantine together? _'Why is it that the thing that attracts you to a person always ends up being that thing that just drives you crazy?'_ Only in this case it was the other way around, the thing about him that drove her crazy in the first place is now the thing that she loves the most. _It's the thing that you're taking away. _Kate's inner monologue raged away until she could no longer deny the fact that his childishness was being replaced by seriousness, the moments of 'grown up Castle' weren't as few and far between as when they met and it was all her fault.

If she hadn't let him tail her, they would both be following different paths. Kate would have most likely fallen back down the rabbit hole after they caught Royce, she never would have been able to recover a sliver of her heart when she found Coonan and Montgomery would still be alive. Castle would have most likely written another best seller until he was offered the 'certain British agent' contract and then followed that with many floozy women, all the while coming home happily to his daughter and mother. Kate couldn't figure out if bringing him down into her world of uncertainty and pain was worth the momentary break from it in her life.

Kate opened her eyes to see the clock telling her that she was well and truly late for her first check up. 'Shit.'

Rick must not have been sleeping as soundly as she thought because he woke up as she removed herself from his hold. Sleepily he questioned the sudden loss of contact, 'what are you doing?'

'I have a doctor's appointment in half an hour.'

Rick looked over at the clock himself, _12:36_. 'Shit.'

'Call, Lanie. Get her to come get me, it'll be quicker than both of us getting ready.'

Castle pouted like a child, 'but I want to go with you.'

Kate rolled her eyes dramatically, 'how about I get Lanie to give you a full run down when we get back. She is still a doctor you know.'

'Fine.' Rick rolled over and grabbed his phone from the nightstand finding Lanie's number as Kate rushed out of the room to get ready.

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><p>Amazingly they managed to catch good traffic for once. A miracle in bustling New York city. After their usual chit chat Lanie settled the talk onto the heavy stuff.<p>

'So how have you been coping?'

Kate looked down, 'better when I've been with Rick.'

Lanie smirked slightly at that. 'What about sleep? No nightmares?'

'I... uh... haven't slept on my own yet. I tried last night but I couldn't Lanie, I needed to see that he was okay.'

'Katherine Beckett. You're telling me that you slept in the same bed as him and you entered with as much clothing as you left with. Girl, that's disgraceful. I always thought that once you two broke that line that was already so blurry you'd go full steam ahead, plunging into it with no holds barred. I mean, I know you guys kissed to distract that guard but that was for Ryan and Javi's lives, so it was different.'

Confusion washed over Kate's face, 'that was real?'

'Oh Kate, you don't remember?' Lanie gushed.

'I remember alright, it was the most leg buckling kiss of my life. I just thought that it was my memory faking it again.' She looked down and twisted the hem of her shirt through her fingers.

The ME shook her head slowly. 'Nope, girl, that one was real.'

Kate smiled slightly, if that was real, she had some hope. 'Is it wrong for me to not want to remember everything? To want to stay like this, thinking that he loves me like I love him?'

Lanie looked at Kate disbelievingly before turning back to the road. 'Honey, if he doesn't love you the same way then I'm Santa Clause.'

'If he did then why wouldn't he have just said it already?'

Frustrated at her friend's naivety Lanie's voice rose, 'because you wouldn't have listened. You would have run back to Josh, Demming, Will, anyone to get away from commitment.' Lanie lowered her voice to a comforting level. 'You were scared, you didn't admit it but you were. You were denying that these feeling were real because if they were then you had to give up the pretence. You didn't want to hear it from anyone either because you didn't want to acknowledge it. You didn't want to think that if you two got together only for things to go badly that you wouldn't have him anymore. You didn't care how you had him but you knew that if you lost him, it would kill you.'

'I - I...' Kate took a deep breath and contemplated what she'd just heard. 'Lanie, why didn't you tell this to me before, when things weren't so... so fucked up?'

'Kate, your relationship with Castle has always been fucked up.'

Kate shook her head and smiled slightly as nostalgia swept over her. 'No, not in my mind. In my mind it's simple, we loved each other, we may have fought but we'd make up in our own way.'

Lanie sighed dramatically, 'if only you could go back in time and let your old self know that. You would have saved me plenty of hard earned cash.'

Kate gave her a disbelieving look, 'you guys were betting on us?'

Lanie smiled and nodded. 'Half of New York was in on the bet by the end.'

Kate just laughed as they pulled up in front of the hospital. 'You do know that all that money is mine now.'

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><p>Once Kate had been ushered out of the loft by Lanie, Rick didn't know what to do. He contemplated just getting ready and following them there but he knew that Kate would just give him one of her looks. As he made his way around the loft he couldn't stop the niggling feeling in the back of his mind. It was pushing him towards the study, pushing him towards the rest of the case files.<p>

When he spilt his coffee not once, but three times out of nerves he relented and snatched the offending envelope off his desk. His curiosity became laced with worry as he emptied it onto his desk once more.

The regulation NYPD case files were left blank on the front, leaving him no way to determine what was inside unless he opened them. And once he opened them, there was no turning back.

Instead of breaking that barrier he held the white note up to read. There wasn't much after what he had read before.

_Rick,_

_I've trusted you with this because I know you'll do the right thing. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt her and I know you'll be the only one who could stop her running head first into his clutches. Protect her, no matter what it takes. If she is never ready, never let her find out about this. Justice is important but not as important as her life. _

_I've given you the original documents that I've changed in my time. But look carefully as they may hold more differences than you realised at first. These seven files are all you need to discover who he is but I am not going to tell you because although I know you'd be a little more cautious than Kate you're still impulsive and reckless at times. Build your theory and then _if_ Kate's ready build a tactic. _

_I'm putting these in your hands with great care, hide them, burn them, do whatever Kate needs. He will go after her again if he finds out that she is still looking for him, I tried to put a stop to it but his word is worthless. _

_Rick, protect her. I got her into this mess and I can no longer help her out of it, please keep her safe. _

_For the last time,  
>Roy Montgomery<em>

Rick held the note loosely in his hands, watching wearily as it fell to the ground. Could he do this? Could he discover who the killer was and then not tell her? Should he wait until she was better to even look?

He was so entranced in thought that he hadn't even heard Alexis come home. She stood there in the office door watching as her father's face went through all the stages of sorrow, guilt, confusion and anger. 'Dad, what are you doing?'

'I – I don't know.'

She made her way over to his side where the letter had fallen. Rick made a half hearted attempt at stopping her but he couldn't keep this completely to himself and he knew that Alexis wouldn't tell.

He watched her face intently, looking for any sign of what she was thinking. As she placed the letter down on his desk with a little bit more force than necessary he realised that she wasn't as confused as he thought. Her lips were pressed into a straight line as she fished for something to say, unable to think of anything she just shook her head and began to leave the room.

'Alexis, what's wrong with you?'

Her voice was sharp, each word seemed to stab him in the chest. 'Nothing Dad, absolutely nothing.'

As she stalked out of the room her Dad's face contorted in pain, he didn't know what he'd done. How could he make something right if he doesn't know what he's done wrong. He followed her out of the office to where she was in front of the piano.

'What is it Alexis? Is this about Kate or the letter?'

'God Dad, it's about all of it!'

'I'm just trying to help her recover Alexis.'

'That's what you're doing now but this isn't only about now. I've put up with you getting into life threatening situations and keeping Gram and I up till all hours of the night out of worry for three years but Dad, you've got to stop.'

'Alexis now isn't the time for this, Kate is hurt and in trouble. We need to help her.'

'_We_ don't need to find the shooter. We can't do anything Dad. You need to give that envelope to a cop. To Beckett, Esposito, Ryan or the new Captain but you can't do anything with it.'

'Yes I can. I can be there for her, help her get better and then tell her about the envelope so that she can make her own decision.'

Alexis gaped at him as she slowly rose up off the piano bench. 'You act like this is all about her but you were standing right next to her. You could have been shot, hell I could have been shot.'

Alexis had never been this worked up, not since she was a toddler anyway and that confused him more than anything. Kate was hurt, and upset, she need his help and he was giving it, wasn't that what he was supposed to do? 'That's why I have to do this. Make sure they stay away.'

'Yeah, you need to grow up Dad. You're a writer not a cop.' Alexis' anger ebbed away as tears began to blur her vision. 'Stop pretending.'

Rick stood there in the living room watching as she exited the room once again, this time slamming her bedroom door behind her.

Martha had heard the whole exchange from where she was she walked up behind her son, placing a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

'What am I supposed to do?' He didn't turn around to face her but she could imagine the hurt look residing on his face.

'She's a teenage girl whose only parent is spending more and more time with someone else. She'll calm down.'

This time he turned around to face her, the slightest trace of tears welling up in his eyes. 'But what if she doesn't calm down? What if she's right? What if one day I don't come home at all?'

'You know that she's right but you have to decide if keeping yourself out of these sorts of situations is better for _all_ of the people you love.' Martha emphasised the 'all' because she knew that her son was deeper in love with this detective than anyone. As a romantic at heart she couldn't let her son pass up the opportunity to be so happy.

'I told her how I felt. I told her I loved her after I put her in front of a bullet.'

Martha gaped at her son, 'Richard Castle don't you dare blame yourself. You are not the one who shot her.'

'No, but I put her in the cross hairs.'

Martha could see him beating himself up inside, going through every possible situation where Kate wouldn't have been shot. 'There was no way to tell that she was going to be shot. Who would have thought that there would be a sniper at a funeral?'

'We knew that they were after her. We should have protected her more.'

She shook her head sadly. 'There was nothing else you could do. The past is the past.'

Finally he looked down at her, 'the past won't be the past until we find Johanna Beckett's killer. The past haunts Kate every moment of her life.'

Martha just brought her son in for a hug, he held her tightly as a single tear rolled down his face.

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><p><strong>There you guys go, some of you wanted Lanie, some wanted Martha and some wanted Alexis to get mad plus I really wanted to write them. <strong>

**All the reviewers are absolutely amazing! Seriously, you guys can make me smile more than the Schlemming moment in Naked Heat.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Over 100 reviews! You guys seriously are absolutely extraordinary! For being so super awesome I've decided to give you an overload off fluff and fun and save my usual Angsty stuff for the next chapter... but here you guys go for being so amazing I present to you pure fluff and fun, well pretty much.**

**And now onto Fan-girling about the first episode... That ending! WOW! Best squee moments are as follows: Castle fixing his hair before going into her hospital room, make it out to Kate (she is pretty much letting him call her Kate), Josh and Beckett broke up, her basically saying that once she solves her mother's case she wants to be with him and lastly SHE REMEMBERS!**

**If you can listen to music while you read I'd suggest _No Cars Go_ by Arcade Fire and _Every Teardrop is A Waterfall_ by Coldplay for this chapter, they just make it better in my mind. I've written the whole chapter to those two songs, and _La Noýee_ by Serge Gainsbourg but that one doesn't have the right tempo. A cyber cookie for anyone can figure out the connection between two of those songs. **

**Oh and I don't own anything that you recognise. **

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><p>Kate walked through the door to silence, detective instincts flaring she stepped cautiously through to the kitchen. Rick was there, staring into the refrigerator morosely. Nothing was too wrong. Sighing in relief she slid onto a stool and plopped her bag on the counter causing him to jump.<p>

'Kate!' He whipped around to face her, losing the sad look. 'What did the doctor say? And you can't lie because you promised that Lanie would give me a full run down.'

Kate rolled her eyes playfully. 'Lanie was needed back at the morgue, Perlmutter called in sick. But the doctor said that I'm doing well, physically at least. I start physio in a week's time if I pass the check up and the therapy begins soon after.'

'How long are you off?'

'Two months. I'm going to be so bored Rick.' She sighed dramatically.

He leant towards her over the counter, winking suggestively. 'Oh I'm sure I could keep you entertained.'

'Castle.' Kate's voice was tinged with warning and playfulness at the same time.

'What? I'm sure laser tag will help get you back into peak physical condition.'

Kate just lifted an eyebrow at the smirking writer and decided to change the topic before it got out of hand. 'Where's Alexis?'

He dropped the playful expression at the mention of his daughter. 'She's in her room, getting ready for a date with Ashley.'

'She's not here for dinner then?'

Rick shook his head. 'Why were you wondering?'

'Because on our way back from the hospital I saw that there's a carnival tonight and I thought we could all go together.'

'Just because she isn't going doesn't mean we can't.'

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><p>Rick paid for the tickets while Kate looked forwards, eyeing off the colourful rides and the swarming crowd. The booming music was carrying towards her making her heart beat faster. She'd always loved carnivals, the sights, the smells, and the bustle. It was all part of something that seemed almost magical and no matter how old you got a carnival could make you feel like a child.<p>

As soon as their tickets were paid for he turned around to look at her, she was leaning her hip on the safety fence casually but her face was exploding with excitement. He placed a hand on her shoulder softly, snapping her out of her musings and with an excited smile she turned to him like she was about to race him to the crowd. With matching Cheshire grins they were off, almost bouncing as they walked towards the carnival.

They had decided to wander through everything first, and then decide what to do when they reached a less crowded area. She took his hand and swung it softly between them as they walked the few hundred meters towards the showground.

Walking past the spinning rides with the techno music blasting from each of the speakers was making her feel energised, it was almost like she was back to her old self. For the moment she could forget about the twisted memories, the confusing relationships and the pain, all she would feel was the presence of the man beside her and the overpowering happiness within her.

Strolling through the crowded alley ways was always one of Kate's favourite things to do at carnivals, especially when there was someone special beside her. Every way you looked there was someone laughing, smiling or loving the person that they are with. And the anonymity that the crowd provided allowed her to let down the detective front and just be Kate, no seriousness just joy.

Halfway to the back of the row Kate stopped, pulling on Rick's hand to make him pause. He looked back at her questioningly to reply Kate just stood on her tip-toes and spoke directly into his ear. 'Let's go.'

He smiled at the contact between them. 'Where?'

Kate just pointed up towards the Ferris wheel that was making slow circles on the skyline before dragging him by the hand towards the ticket booth. Grinning he followed her, almost jogging to keep up.

As they stepped into their carriage they sat close to each other, facing the setting sun. They spent the whole ride giggling like two teenagers at Rick's ridiculous stories about the people they saw below. Each time they reached the top Kate let out a sigh of contentment, the view was beautiful and so was the company.

Between the start of the ride and the end they slowly got close and closer until Kate was nestled comfortably under his arm with one hand over her chest to hold onto his hand. When the ride paused with their carriage at the highest point they watched the last rays of pink sun slip under the horizon. Kate snuggled in closer and Rick squeezed her lightly to his side before kissing the top of her head softly.

They didn't break the position that they were in until they went to step out of the carriage and even then they just switched hands and bumped into each other as they walked. Neither could remember being this happy, especially after what they had gone through in the past few weeks. It was a welcome feeling, one that neither wanted to forget.

Hand in hand they wandered through the souvenir stalls, savouring the happiness that each felt in the moment. They always laughed and joked around together but at the carnival it seemed more innocent, and happiness from innocence is always just that little bit sweeter. They were being swept away into a world where it was just the two of them and neither wanted to fight it and neither wanted to leave it.

She dragged him into the first jewellery stall that they came across. She had always loved jewellery stalls, even if the goods were horribly made they were a small reminder of a happy time. Sitting in her dresser at home would be hundreds of small charms and trinkets that she'd picked up at markets. They all had their time before inevitably falling apart but she kept them all, not wanting to forget.

As she picked out a few of the twine bracelets to take back for Alexis she looked down to the naval piercings. Grinning wickedly she picked out a one that had a small Eiffel tower charm on the end, it wasn't simple but it was beautiful so she'd never wear it but the look on Rick's face as she paid for it made it completely worth it. Maybe being able to have all these firsts and realisations again wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Before he could even regain his smug demeanour she teased him again, 'it'll match my tattoo.'

Swinging her hips she walked out of the tent with a smirk on her face. Even if she would never admit it she absolutely loved that she could render him speechless with just a few simple words. He caught up just as she was entering the next tent, filled with all different handmade items.

Kate ran her hands over the soft material of the scarves that were on display, the craft section was always great for picking up little things. She ended up at a stall that sold little signs with quotes, she stood there just reading them and smiling when she found ones that she liked.

Picking one up she turned to show it to Rick who was still looking at the second hand books. He laughed and wandered over, placing a hand on her hip as he reached across her to have a closer look at another one. His arm stayed around her waist as they both looked over the small signs. 

Kate smiled when she spotted one sitting on its own in the far corner, reaching over she held it loosely with one hand, tracing the words lightly with the other. _I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it. _It was one of her mother's favourite sayings, Kate had even attempted to make her something similar with the quote in wood shop one year.

Rick watched her with adoration. The small smile on her face told him that she was remembering her mother and that it was a good memory. While she was lost in her own little world he handed the money for it over to the woman behind the small table. As he wrapped his arm around her waist once again she looked him in the eye, a new determination showing as she thanked him.

She was going to do this, to make them work. Maybe it wouldn't happen today but she was going to make it happen. It was worth it, that much she knew for sure.

Kate jumped when Rick, who had wondered off to look at some novelty item walked up behind her and made a chipmunk noise. When she spun around to confront him his cheeky grin stopped her from doing anything but slap him lightly on the chest with the back of her hand.

As he leant in to whisper something in her ear she became painfully aware of how close they were. His chest was almost touching hers and as he leant down to her ear he took her hands lightly. She laced her fingers through his and pulled their joint hands up to his chest. Her heart was beating faster and faster until finally she could feel his warm breath on her ear and thought she was having some sort of heart attack.

Only instead of his soothing voice all that Kate heard was a shrill chirp. Jumping she smacked him again, just a little harder this time. Rick held up a small packet in front of her, it said something about an animal whistle. She rolled her eyes in pretend annoyance but her smile told a very different story. Rick took the hidden whistle out of his mouth and put it back in the packet, vowing to get Alexis and his mother later on.

The sky had faded from twilight blue to black, making the only lights those from the vendors. At night a carnival changed, it was no longer the innocent playfulness of daytime but it was another type of magic. The noise, the lights, the people all made everything slightly spacey, like you were in another world.

To Rick this was the best time to be at a carnival, especially when he was with Kate. Although there was no sunshine to light up her face the bright flashes caught on her hair and reflected in her joyful eyes. These sudden glimpses of the child hidden below were what kept drawing him in, she played the tough detective but he could tell that she wanted to be loved and he wanted to be the one to give her that love.

As they filled up on junk food for dinner Kate felt that familiar tugging sensation in her heart, the one that reminded her of a memory that probably wasn't real. Only tonight she refused to shut her eyes and let it take her over, she wanted to make a new memory, not live in her own imagination.

When an announcement came over the loud speaker about the fireworks that would be happening soon Rick tugged her away from the crow that was headed towards the main event. Wanting to follow the rest of the show goers she stopped stubbornly.

'Trust me, I know the best spot.'

Kate watched him carefully for a moment before smiling in agreement and catching up to him.

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><p><strong>So what did you think about the carnival scene? This particular scene has been in my head since August, I just never got around to actually writing it and now that I have it is completely different from what I was planning. I think it was <em>For Lovers Only <em>that made me write it this way. So what did you think since that is the only opinion that actually matters, well mine does too but I end up hating everything I write so I'd rather know what you think?**


	11. Chapter 11

**The hardest point of writing is seeing the blank page staring back at you, as if it's daring you to mar its perfect surface with bad plot, and terrible writing.**

**This story has taken a life of its own and is progressing differently from what I had planned but I don't really mind. The start of this chapter is full of angst again but then the ending changes the tune of the chapter, I hope anyway.**

**As much as I wish I did, I don't own a thing.**

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><p>Bang.<p>

The first ball of light exploded in the air above the crowd as Kate herself imploded. It was as sudden as the fireworks themselves, she was being attacked from the inside of her mind out. With each bang she could feel the bullet ripping through her chest, and with the next she could see it happening to Rick, Lanie, Esposito, Ryan.

Rick had caught her arm as she began to slouch, gasping for breath in between the uncontrollable sobs, Kate leant heavily on him. As he lead her further away from the crowd and the fireworks the tears didn't stop, neither did the memories.

The sound of the explosions slowly diminished as they walked away. Luckily the crowd was too entranced with the fireworks to pay much attention to the bawling detective.

When they finally stopped moving Kate barrelled into his chest, grabbing large handfuls of his shirt in her clenched fists to remind herself that he was there, alive and so was she. He wrapped his arms around her small frame, resting his chin on her hair as he held her tight against him.

They were all alone in the full parking lot, with the lights of the fireworks reflecting off the cars around them. The small floodlights provided little light but neither really minded, they weren't scared of what they might find in the dark, it would be nothing compared to the monsters in their own minds.

Neither wanted to talk, they just wanted the comfort of the other. Kate needed to feel that he was okay and that he was still there with her. Rick needed to feel like he was helping her, he needed to see that she was there, no matter how broken the mind.

He stood there scolding himself for not thinking about the chances of this happening, how could he be so stupid? Fireworks, explosions, gun shots. Wasn't he the king of the dramatic, shouldn't he have gone over every possible situation?

They stood in the deserted car park for what seemed like hours but couldn't have been more than a few minutes because the fireworks were going on behind them when they snapped out of the trance. As Kate's sobs subsided into something controllable Rick felt the fight go out of her, she fell against him, the strain of her emotions had taken what little she had.

She needed to talk, to tell someone her problems. 'The explosions, I thought it was happening to you. That you were shot, that Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, everyone was shot. I couldn't forget those last few moments, lying on the grass with you looking down at me. I don't want to remember it in any way other than I do now.'

He hadn't wanted to bring the shooting up but now that she had Rick could satisfy his curiosity. 'What do you remember?'

'You – you said that you love me. I don't want to think that I went down without those words ringing in my ears.'

He didn't respond straight away because for the moment words were failing him. 'You don't have to remember it any other way.'

'I do Rick, I know that I do.' Kate sighed sadly and let her face fall back onto his chest. 'I just want to put off getting better so that we can be together even if it is just in my own mind.'

'Kate, look at me.' When she wouldn't remove her face from the front of his shirt he pulled her away slightly until she looked up at him, not quite looking him in the eye. 'You need to get better, because until you get better neither of us can be truthful because at the moment nothing seems certain.'

She bit her lip but spoke defiantly. 'I don't want certain. I want what I have.'

'What do you have Kate?' Despite her rise in tone his voice was still calm, almost too calm.

Blushing she mumbled into his shirt, 'I have a promise that you'll be a man, grab me, make out with me, and make beautiful babies.'

He smiled slightly, it was bittersweet really. She wanted him now and he had to resist, but once she remembered he'd want her and she'd be rejecting him once again. As Kate moved her hands slightly against his top to fiddle with a button a firework reflected off the ring on her ring finger, catching his eye. Threading his fingers through hers he had a better look at it. 'Why do you wear the ring?'

She mumbled her response, not ready to lie but no longer uncontrolled enough to burst out with the truth. 'Because I want it to be the ring you gave me.'

If he was being honest he has already known that was the reason but he still felt like he should be shocked. Maybe it was the fact that he was the one who wanted it to be an engagement ring from him. He wanted desperately to tell her that he loved her, and that he wanted to marry her but she was confused and hurt. When she finally remembered would they revert back into this confusion? With her confused about his feelings, wondering what was real and what was fake.

With his sudden pensiveness she was given time to think, to remember or was it to imagine?

_They were settled on the couch in LA, mourning the loss of Royce. He could tell that she was hurting, and was beating herself up for anything and everything that she could think of. 'You know what I thought when I first met you?'_

_Kate looked up, breaking her train of thought. 'Hmm?'_

_'That you were a mystery I was never gonna solve.' He linked his fingers through hers along the back of the couch and continued smiling a little bit more as he spoke. 'Even now, after spending all this time with you I'm … I'm still amazed at the depth of your strength, your heart … and your hotness._

_She smiled at him, thankful for the lighter mood. 'You're not so bad yourself, Castle.'_

_Both looked deep into the other's eyes, searching for something. Kate looked disappointed when Rick broke the connection and pulled something out from the cushion behind him. She couldn't see what he was holding but it wasn't bigger than his hand. When he went to move off the couch and onto one knee Kate took in a sharp breath._

_'Rick, what are you doing?'_

_'Kate, I know that this isn't the most romantic setting, but it's intimate and beautiful just like you always wanted. I wanted to wait until it was the right time but now I just can't, I can't imagine living my life without you. You are the most extraordinary woman that I've ever met, you're beautiful, smart, sophisticated and just perfect. Katherine Anne Beckett, will you marry me?' He flipped the lid on the small ring box with a nervous smile on his face._

_Kate stuttered, 'Rick, I don't know what to say.'_

_'Yes, say yes.' He could tell that she was nervous but he couldn't take it back now, he'd made his move and now it was up to her. _

_'I – I can't.' She paused as the sadness took over his face. Unable to stand the pain she placed a small hand along his jaw line and tried to clarify. 'We've only been dating for a few months, what if we don't work out? I'm not like you Castle, I don't want to give it a shot and if that doesn't work just get a divorce. I want it to be one and done.'_

_Desperation filled his voice as sadness filled his eyes. 'I will be your one and done Kate.' _

_'Not yet Rick.' Kate looked down at him smiling slightly. 'I want you to be but just let me be ready.'_

_'Not yet means some day, and I can live with the promise of some day.' He leant into her hand on his face and smiled, defeated._

_Kate pulled him back up off the floor, watching as he closed the ring box that was still in his hand. 'Come on Rick, it's late let's go to bed.'_

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><p><em>The lights were dim on the large plane, with most people already out for the night, one of those being the man beside her. She rummaged through her carryon till she found the letter from Royce. She'd been able to bring him justice, she even got close to revenge, scarily close. It was only his words from many years ago that had made her stop, he'd told her that revenge is never worth having blood on your hands and she knew he'd have been disappointed if she had pulled the trigger. It would surprise many to know that at times Royce was wise, it came from being an observer, he saw things that most people didn't. <em>

_Kate had already lost count of the number of times that she'd re-read the letter, so much so that she no longer needed it in front of her to recite it word for word but having it there served as a memory of him. She traced her finger down the lines of the letter until she reached the end, hesitating over the last few lines._

And now for the hard part, kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me. Putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder, if only.

_If only. Kate pondered the words as she looked over at Rick sleeping beside her__, still holding the letter loosely in her hands. She didn't want to be left to wonder if only but was it really worth the risk? Royce had seen it a year ago, when they were nothing more than friends and colleagues. If they were strong enough for others to see that there was something there maybe they could make it. Would the rewards be worth the risk? Was he still right? Was it her turn to risk her heart? _

_Kate smiled slightly as she folded the letter, he was right as always. She had been offered her chance at 'one and done', and she didn't want to have the chance to think 'if only.' Deep down she knew that it would work out, he'd proven again and again that he was there for her. She had attempted to push him away again and again but each time, without fail, he would fight his way back in. _

_She felt for the small box that she knew was in the pocket of his jacket, closing her fingers around it she pulled it out. Flipping the lid to the velvet box made her heart flip, in the best way possible. She slipped the ring on her finger, taking a close look at it for the first time. _

_It was perfect, not the usual flashy diamond one would expect from Richard Castle but it was exactly what she would have wanted, simple but beautiful. Not only did it look beautiful bit with it on her finger she felt empowered, if that was possible. She'd taken a risk, something that a week ago she wouldn't have imagined possible. She'd offered up a piece of herself forever and for some reason was yet to regret it. With a content smile on her face she placed a hand on his chest and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the quiet of the plane lull her into a peaceful sleep._

_When the flight attendants woke them for landing Rick almost didn't see the change. If it hadn't been for the flicker of light bouncing off the ring he wouldn't have seen it. Catching her hand in his he marvelled at it before looking at her expectantly. 'Does this mean you're ready?'_

_Kate grinned joyfully. 'Yes Richard Edgar Castle, I will marry you.'_

_He captured her in a passionate kiss as the whole first class section of the plane applauded around them bemused at the odd proposal._

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><p><strong>Follow me on Twitter if you like and I'll follow you back. I'm AmoreKatie.<strong>

**Oh and if you caught the slight quote from a Stana Katic interview you're awesome. **

**So updates over the next two months updates will be sporadic at best, because I'm having a week's holiday then constant work pretty much and then another one in November while doing NaNoWriMo and trying to finish off all my schoolwork before the holiday in November. I hope that I'll be able to crank out a heap before I get too busy so that I can still update, just with something that I wrote earlier. I'll be like one of those TV presenters, 'here's one I prepared earlier'. But I just thought I'd say so that you know I'm not giving up on the story if I haven't updated in a while.**

**Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and alerts! They all make me feel so special! **


	12. Chapter 12

**I am sitting here on the deck in country Australia with birds chirping, sun shining, music blaring from the shearing shed and no work for me to do. Could life get any better? Oh yeah, I could actually be writing. 59 words later and I'm doing the same thing only in a car behind a rain streaked windshield on the way to my next destination.**

**I own nothing.**

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><p>It wasn't until they reached the loft that Kate felt safe again. Even with the detail following her she couldn't think straight, because no matter what there was still someone out there trying to kill her. In the parking lot she could almost forget because she had Rick's arms around her but without him there she felt vulnerable and that scared her more than anything.<p>

Rick watched her closely, waiting for her to fall again. He could tell that she was trying to be strong, for herself and for him, but it wasn't working. By trying to be strong she was letting everything build up until it reached breaking point.

Rick wondered where she would be sleeping for a moment. The tear stains were still on her face, she was still shaking slightly and when he looked into her eyes and saw the fear he knew that there was no chance she'd be sleeping on her own tonight. 'Are you coming to bed?'

Kate looked up, hoping, no praying, that it was an invitation. She didn't want to spend the night alone, she didn't even want to try. She wanted to be with the man she thought of as her husband. When he inclined his head towards the study she almost sighed with relief, 'yeah.'

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><p>Kate had her eyes shut, she was savouring the feel of his arms around her. She couldn't sleep but that didn't bother her, she was just happy to be with him. It felt like home, lying next to him, listening to his even breathing, being able to smell that scent that was uniquely him. It was moments like these that made her wonder about the amnesia. How could she make such a vivid memory without having lived it? Every moment was etched into her mind like stone. Each kiss, each touch, each word. Surely it's a sign that she is not delusional, at least not completely.<p>

His mind was swirling around that yellow envelope he had glimpsed out of the corner of his eye on the way in, sitting there ominously on his desk. Watching her sleep he contemplated telling her, letting her know that he had what she needed to find her mother's killer. But he knew that it was a futile attempt at convincing himself. She wasn't ready, she may want to find her mother's killer but it wasn't worth her pain. There was no way he'd be able to tell her without bringing all the pain back up, he'd have to do it himself.

He watched her, probably for longer than was acceptable but he just couldn't stop. She was beautiful, no matter what happened to her. Her left hand was resting over his heart softly, the ring showing the truth. That this relationship was nothing but a manifestation of her mother's murder. He sighed, what was he going to do when she remembered and no longer crawled into his bed? He was already too content to have her here, let alone after the rest of her recovery. What if she never remembered? What if she lived in this state for the rest of her life? If he has to wait for the rest of her life to tell her he loved her again would he be able to do it?

He knew that he would be able to live with the breakdowns because she may be an emotional wreck but she did it well, somehow. It was the waiting to prove he loved her that he wouldn't be able to handle. He didn't want to have to distance himself from her. She needed to get better, she needed to remember. There was no way he'd let her stay like this, uncertain and confused. He was going to do anything in his power to return her original life, so that he could then do all this the right way. Be with her for the rest of their lives as husband and wife.

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><p>Jim pressed the door bell lightly, thinking back to the last time he was here. He'd asked Rick to protect his little girl and it hadn't worked. She was the only thing that he had left and she was putting her own life in danger to get justice for something that happened too long ago.<p>

Alexis answered the door, smiling kindly when she saw who it was. 'Mr Beckett, come in.'

'Thanks Alexis. Is Katie up?'

Alexis shook her head as she led him to the kitchen. 'She's not but I don't think she'll be long. We all must have had late nights. Would you like a drink or something to eat?'

'A coffee would be fantastic.'

'How do you have it?'

'White with...' Jim trailed off as he saw his daughter emerge from the office with Rick close behind her. Her hands were reaching over her head, bringing the hem of Rick's borrowed shirt up a little bit too high for his liking.

Neither had seen them sitting in the kitchen watching the couple. When Kate lowered her hands Rick leant in and whispered something in her ear, making her laugh lightly. Alexis laughed quietly at the look of surprise on Jim's face.

Jim looked back at Alexis shaking his head teasingly. 'Don't laugh. That's my daughter.'

'And that's my Dad.' She said pointing to Rick and Kate who had subconsciously turned towards each other in the doorframe leaving little space between them.

Turning back around Kate spied the guest sitting at the kitchen bench. Feeling like a teenager getting caught out she exclaimed, 'Dad!'

Chuckling Jim watched his daughter walk up to him. 'How are you Katie?'

'I'm getting better.' She mumbled into his shoulder as she gave him a loose hug, careful of her wound.

When she pulled away Jim noticed the glint of silver on her left hand. Taking it in his he recognised the ring straight away, 'what's that Katie?'

Kate looked over at Rick desperately, begging him to use his imagination and save her. Lucky for her Rick was her knight in shining armour, always at hand with his imagination. 'They broke the chain when she was going into surgery and there hasn't been time to find another one. Luckily she has the exact same size fingers as her Mom.'

'Lucky.' Jim said doubtfully. He knew his daughter and he knew the way Rick treated her, if she wanted something he'd go to the end of the Earth to get it for her. There was a reason the ring was on her finger and it wasn't what he'd been told but he wouldn't push. 'I would have been around earlier but you know how life is...'

'I understand,' and she did. Her dad couldn't stand seeing her hurt, if she had died that day Jim would have gone with her. 'The doctor said that I'm doing well, I only have to take a few months off.'

Jim looked around and noticed that both Rick and Alexis had managed to leave the room without him noticing. 'That's good news I guess.'

'It is.' Kate paused awkwardly, unsure of what to say. How could she talk to her Dad when she didn't know what about her life was real and not give away how hurt she was? 'I'm sorry.'

'What for Katie?'

'For going ahead with this, for getting myself shot.' Kate took a deep breath and continued. 'I know you told me that I had to be safe, that I had to stay around for you. I know that was our deal but until I find this bastard I don't think I'll be able to have the life I want.'

'I want you to get him Katie, I do. I just don't want you to lose your life over it. Can't you see that your life is more important than your mother's death?' Jim looked down at his hands and then back up at his daughter. 'I've already lost enough, and so have you. Together we can cope, with or without justice.'

Kate looked him in the eye, talking determinedly 'I have to do this Dad. I can't get this close and then walk away.'

He sighed reluctantly, it may not be what he wanted but if it was what she needed he would have to concede. 'Just be safe.'

'I will.' Kate reached across and placed her hand in his. 'Nothing is going to happen to me. I promise that I'll be here until you're old and grey.'

Jim smiled, 'a bit late for that promise.'

'You're not that old.' Kate smiled cheekily and scrunched her nose slightly. 'Okay, maybe you are.'

'Aren't children supposed to respect their parents?' Jim chuckled before standing up and kissing her on top of her head. 'I should probably get going. I just wanted to drop by and see how you were.'

'Bye Dad.' She hugged him once more and led him to the door. They paused for Rick and Alexis to say goodbye and then he was gone once again. Rick scooted over to make room for her on the couch.

She fell down beside him and winced as she pulled at the scar. Rick looked around feebly, wondering what he could do to help. Noticing his worry she felt her heart swell. 'I'm okay. I just need to remember that I'm not as agile as I used to be.'

He looked at her painfully, wondering why she had to put on a brave face all the time. 'How did your talk go with your Dad? Did you tell him about _everything_?'

'No not _everything_.'

'Taking the hint, I'm leaving.' Alexis shook her head at the two leaning against each other on the couch, not quite cuddling but close. 'I'll be making us some breakfast.'

'What did you talk about?'

'We talked about finding the killer. About finding the guy who had my mother killed.' Kate looked up at him as she spoke, 'he doesn't want me to keep going Rick. He wants me to give up.'

'He just wants what will keep you safe Kate. If that means neither of you gets justice but you have each other I can see how he could live with it.'

'I don't think it's enough.' She bit her lip lightly before speaking, 'I don't think I'll be able to recover fully until I find him. The mental and emotional scars go back further than me being shot. I've become someone else because of this, I don't even know who I am anymore. If I find justice maybe I can break down this wall and find myself.'

'What if that wall is permanent?'

'It's not, it's just waiting to be knocked down.' Kate shook her head slightly. 'Fucking walls.'

Rick felt a small grin spread across his face. 'Hey, be nice. What if the walls had ears?'

'We would all be screwed.'

'Have you talked to the boys lately?' Kate shook her head as he lifted his arm around her shoulder, drawing her against his chest. 'You should call, they've been looking for the guy who shot you.'

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><p>She dialled the familiar number uncertainly. Maybe she should leave them to solve this one, she wasn't supposed to be involved. Gate's wouldn't hear of it, she'd bet on it. Biting her lip she gained her resolve back, Gate's be damned, she was going to do what she could.<p>

Ryan picked up on the second ring. 'Beckett, it's about time you called.' She flinched at the name. It just wasn't right. 'We were beginning to think you might have been shot or something.'

Kate laughed humourlessly. 'How are you guys going with the investigation?'

'We've got the gun and a possible lead on the shooter. Half the guys we talked to said that they saw a groundskeeper hiding behind a tree but there weren't supposed to be any staff there that day.'

She looked up and scrunched her brow slightly as she thought about it. 'Did you get any cameras from the area?'

'We found a few and so far we've found nothing. I'm going back over them until the lab report on the gun comes back. We're trying boss.' Ryan sighed, 'but you know how this case is. Everything disappears, including people.'

Kate shook her head to fight back the tears that were threatening to well. 'You guys are doing your best, and we'll get him in the end. This is one fight I'm not going lose.'

'No, this is one fight _we're_ not going to lose. You have Castle, Esposito, Lanie and me with you on this one if you like it or not.'

'Thanks Ryan.' Kate said, tears welling, only this time they were bittersweet tears. 'You should go before Gates finds out you've been talking to me.'

Ryan laughed on the other end before saying their goodbyes. Kate press end call and sunk back into the couch pensively. It was the right thing wasn't it? Finding her mother's killer.

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><p><strong>The fact that I was listening to Adele's '<em>Don't you Remember'<em> while writing this makes me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you all.**

**I now have this insane idea for a fairly crack!fic where Castle and Beckett try to find either Johanna's killer or Rick's Dad and the chase leads them to Australia where they are introduced to many parts of the Australian country life. Safe to say, it will most likely go unwritten. **

**Thanks for all the reviews, story alerts, favourites, they are all awesome! I cannot believe the amount of support I've gotten. You guys are amazing!**


	13. Chapter 13

**I don't own anything that you recognise.**

**I apologise for the delay but I had no idea how to work this chapter so I now have more written for future chapters.**

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><p>'Katherine, I'm assuming?'<p>

Kate nodded. 'But call me Kate.'

'Your doctor told me that you were going to be in. It was lucky we had an opening on such short notice.' He ushered her through the door, only then acknowledging the man behind her. 'Are you going to be joining us Mr...?'

'This is Rick Castle.' Recognition dawned on the therapist as Kate continued. 'We weren't sure if you'd want us both here but we figured that he could help me figure out what was real and what wasn't.'

The therapist had heard different things about the two in front of him but what it all came down to was the fact that they were in love. Everyone could see it, whether or not they thought it was a good idea given their unique situation was another matter. 'Well, in the end it's up to you Ma'am but I'd insist on mostly individual sessions so that we can focus on you. But like you said, he may be able to help us determine a few things.'

He paused for a moment, about to ask that for the first session Rick left so that they could discover Kate's feelings but when Kate sighed with relief Dr Burke changed his mind and ushered the two into his office, dragging a chair from the back of the room for Rick.

Once they were all settled he started with the basics. 'What prompted the sudden change in timing? Your first appointment wasn't supposed to be for another week.'

Kate looked over at Rick who silently encouraged her to begin, 'I haven't been coping. During the day I can but with every bang and every moment of darkness all my fears come back unrelentingly.' Kate felt the tears beginning to well and attempted to blink them back as Rick grasped her hand comfortingly. 'We both thought that it would be better if I began them now, the sooner I get better, the sooner I get my life back.'

The doctor nodded, assessing the couple in front of him. Even if he had not been told of the connection that the two had all he would have needed was the first few minutes as they walked in. Rick's pain seemed to mirror hers and the comforting hand seemed to be as much for him as it was for her. 'There is no guarantee that therapy will help you recover your memory, it is just to help you cope, although there are certain techniques that may be effective in helping that process.'

'Like what Doctor?' Rick asked curiously.

'First we need to discover exactly what has changed in your mind. The sooner we do that the sooner we can determine a course of action.' Looking between the two he continued, 'if you feel like you can handle it we could start today, Detective?'

Kate nodded. 'Where do you want me to start?'

'From the first moment you remember being a defining point in the relationship.'

'Do you really want three years' worth of defining moments?'

A ghost of a smile appeared on the therapist's face. 'Alright, any defining moments that had a direct line to the marriage in your mind.'

Kate started with her story of the quarantine tent and the freezer. The therapist looked between the two during the re-telling of events, curious about their reactions. He watched the pain filter over both of their faces as they faced their inevitable death and then the confusion taking over once the two paths separated.

'And then, before I passed out on the freezer floor I told him that I loved him.' She ended the story uncertainly, biting her lip as the last words escaped in a whisper.

Dr Burke looked over at the shell-shocked writer. 'Mr Castle?'

'That- that was real.' His brow furrowed as he got over the shock of finding out that Kate had loved him, even then. 'Only when we were in the freezer you only made it to 'L', I wasn't even sure if that's what you were going to say.'

Dr Burke encouraged Kate to continue and not dwell on this new information yet, so she continued on with the rest of that case, watching Rick as she talked. When she reached the point about the bomb scare her voice began to shake. 'We kissed, twice. Once before you grabbed the wires and once, well a few times, after.'

Rick couldn't even speak. How he wished that was the way things unfolded. Instead Kate just continued on with the story. 'Neither of us really wanted to label it quite then. When we went out for dinner we didn't talk about us, that came after, once we went to his apartment for coffee.'

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><p><em>'Kate, these last few days have made me realise something.'<em>

_She held up her hand to silence him, not in an attempt to stop the conversation but so that she could be the one to take the chance for once. 'I need to say something first.' He looked hurt, thinking that she was going to push him away. Seeing the look on his face she tried to comfort him with a small smile and taking his hand in hers. 'I've been writing this speech in my head since we left the precinct and I've changed it a million times but it all came down to the same thing. When that countdown was coming to a close all I could see was you, every look, every hug, every touch. It was proof of what I had already known, you were my life. I didn't see me shooting Coonan, I saw you comforting me. I didn't see the moment that my Dad and I walked up to the house where Raglan was waiting to tell us about my mother, I just saw you and me, working together to find the killer. I don't want to wait any longer Rick, I want to be with you.'_

_He didn't know what to say. Instead he just went with his instincts and kissed her passionately. The kiss was an accumulation of the desperation of the last few days and the unsatisfied passion of the past three years. When they finally broke for air he leant his forehead on hers. 'So what does this mean for us?'_

_Kate's words were mumbled against the edge of his jaw. 'Not now.'_

_For now she just wanted to be able to kiss him, claim him as hers. The rest would fall into place naturally. _

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><p>'We did end up talking about it, and we both decided that things would happen as they happened and that there was no point in pushing something. It's not like we would need a shove in any direction, we were always pushing each other and our relationship was one of those things that we both knew would just fall into place.'<p>

'It was a little hard with the precinct. No one was surprised and it wasn't a secret for long. A few people were alarmed when we were still working together, they thought it might be dangerous but with everyone vouching for us there wasn't much hope for the handful that fought.'

'Although everyone knew we tried to keep the relationship out of work, just for practicality. That's not to say that there weren't a few moments during the tough cases where we didn't take breaks but we refused to let it interrupt an investigation. With both of our schedules running almost exactly the same we were able to have dates and catch up easily, in fact it was the easiest relationship I have ever been in.'

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><p><em>'Got you a present.' <em>

_She takes the envelope and opens it, smiling as she realises exactly what it is. Of course he would be able to get her a present that she loved and still be teasing her. 'Signed cast photo from Temptation Lane.' As much as she tried she couldn't stop the grin that took over her face. 'How did you even get this?'_

_He shrugged, smirking slightly. 'I know people who know people.'_

_She shook her head slightly in disbelief. She can practically hear him begging for her to tell him about her love of Temptation Lane and as he leans in, cupping his chin with his hand, looking at her with rapt attention she can't help but relent to the silent wish. 'Okay. I was nine and I had to get my tonsils taken out and I was miserable. And so, my mom took time off of work and stayed with me and cuddled up in front of the TV on the couch and we would watch episodes of Temptation Lane.' She trailed off as memories took over. 'So, every time I see it now, it just- it makes me feel like home and safe.' Neither speaks for a moment, as she waits for the ribbing she can sense building in the writer. 'So, there you go. Judge away.'_

_'My DVR would make yours look like Masterpiece Theatre.' Kate looked down smiling. 'But I am glad to know this about you.'_

_She looked up and they looked eyes for a small moment before Castle sparked. 'I told the boys I'd meet them at the bar, you coming?'_

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><p><em>They stumbled into the loft late, and just a little tipsy. At least that was Kate's reasoning for why she was leaning on him quite so much. They were whispering as they walked through the door, attempting to leave the rest of the family in peace. Only a voice rang out, silencing the two.<em>

_'After all these years, all the times I could've been holding you in my arms…' _

_'Then let's not waste more time with words. Let's just let our lips do the talking.'_

_The pair stumbled into the living room, 'are you two running lines again?'_

_'Oh! Well, no.' Martha looked up shocked, and slightly guilty. 'No, we were just, uh, you know. Talking.'_

_Relief filled the writer, 'oh.'_

_Lance pulled his mother's hand to his lips and kissed her fingers lightly. _

_Recognition hit Rick, almost as suddenly as the subsequent need to leave the room. 'Oh. Um… I'm gonna – I'll j—I'll—go to the—'_

_He shuddered dramatically as he led a giggling Kate into the office. 'It wasn't funny.'_

_'Oh yes it was.' Kate tried to control her laughter but looking back up at his face ruined her. 'You should have seen your face.'_

_'My roguishly handsome face?' _

_'That's the one.' She said tapping his nose lightly with her forefinger as he sat down. He then grasped her hand in his and pulled her down onto his lap while she giggled drunkenly. Slurring her speech she babbled away randomly while playing with the buttons on Castle's shirt._

_Smiling mischievously Rick looked at her, 'Detective Beckett, are you a little drunk?'_

_Kate rolled her eyes, 'just shut up and kiss me.'_

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><p>'For a while we were just going with it all, letting fate control our actions. I didn't feel the need to run, even though I could feel myself falling. I began to spend more nights at his place since he had Alexis and slowly they all became like family to me.' Kate smiled nostalgically. 'Once he proposed we went straight into planning. Something about Royce's death reminded me that life is short and you can never guarantee another moment, especially as a cop. Rick understood and was just as anxious to get to the altar. We wanted a late summer wedding in the Hamptons. Everything was planned and set for May tenth.'<p>

Rick shook his head, almost tempted to put up his hand like a child in a classroom. 'That doesn't work with the timeline. When you woke up you said that we had been married for months, May tenth was a week before you were shot and a week after we went to LA.'

Kate did a quick calculation in her head, 'no, it should have been a few months. It took three months to plan the wedding, and then we took two months off for a honeymoon and then the first case back was Lockwood's.'

Rick watched her confusion with care, he didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did. He spoke softly, 'Kate, it's only been four weeks since we went to LA. We wouldn't have had time to plan a wedding, go on a honeymoon and get back to work.'

Confusion filled her mind. The two men in the room could sense the gears turning, sorting through this new information carefully. She hadn't realised it until he said it but he was right, the dates in her mind were all wrong. The dates of the cases fell directly alongside each other yet she couldn't help but think that there were months between them. 'You're right. The dates, they don't line up.'

Dr Burke decided to let them theorise. He believed that in this case her memory would return through bringing the reality slowly back into her mind and if Rick told her about all the true facts then she would be more likely to believe them. Looking down at his watch he noticed that the hour was almost up and his next client would be there soon. He coughed lightly to attract the attention of the two who were thinking deeply across from him. 'I think that will be a good place to end this session, maybe before the next appointment you two could write out a diary of sorts. With this it might be possible for Kate and me to do some working out, on our own.'

Kate nodded reluctantly, she didn't want to go through this without Rick. She knew that it was necessary but it didn't mean that she had to like it. 'We will Doctor. Thank you for seeing us at such short notice.'

Nodding in recognition the Dr Burke walked them out, watching as they walked down the hallway gravitating closer and closer to each other until Kate was leaning on his side as they walked.

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><p><strong>The reviews, favourites and alerts are amazing! You guys are definitely the best readers ever. <strong>

**So what do you think of this chapter? To help time pass the therapy is going to be every second chapter with just an update on their lives every other one, at least for now.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Fanfiction, I've missed you dearly.**

**So sorry for the month long break… I was seriously super busy. For those of you who are still here with me, or in other words all of you who are reading this, thank you for your patience!**

**I own nothing, really if you thought that I did there would be something wrong with you… **

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><p>'Before we go back could we go to my… apartment?'<p>

Castle's face dropped slightly, if she wanted to go there she might want to leave soon and he didn't want her to leave. _Game face Castle, game face._ 'Sure, are you running out of stuff?'

'I just want to get a few things,'

'Are you sure that you're up to it?'

'It's my apartment Castle, I should be able to go there.'

'I just mean…' Rick trailed off, unsure of how to word what he wanted to say.

'I know what you mean.' Kate took a deep breath as she watched the people on the footpath fly by. 'I need to do this, I need to start facing my demons.'

Rick took her hand in his as he drove, 'and I will be there to help you through it.'

'Thanks Rick, really.'

'It's what partners do.'

Kate grimaced, they were partners. Not husband and wife.

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><p>'Have you got your key?' Rick asked as they walked up to her door.<p>

'No, I didn't think about it. I don't even know where it is at the moment.'

'That's alright,' Castle said holding up his key chain by his spare key. 'Do you want to do it or me?'

'I can do it Castle.' Kate said, snatching the keys out of his hand.

'You're calling me Castle.' Rick said, stating the obvious.

Kate rolled her eyes and looked back at the writer, 'yes because I am annoyed that you keep thinking I'm going to break again, it's just an apartment. I don't feel like it is home anymore but I know that I used to live here.'

'I know that you are strong Kate, I just want you to know that you don't have to push yourself. You don't always have to be strong around me.'

'I do Rick, I have to be strong because that is all I've known.' Turning the door handle Kate walked into the apartment, slightly overwhelmed by the place that she could not remember thinking of as home in months.

Rick stood just outside the door, feeling like he should leave her for a moment. Let her get her bearings again. Being at her apartment made the last week seem like nothing, really it had only been seven days. Seven days exactly since he had seen his partner's life leave her body, seven days since he had seen her beautiful green eyes shutting on the world.

'Rick, come on.' Kate called from inside the apartment, less perplexed over the situation than he was.

Snapping out of his musings Rick walked through the door looking for his partner, familiarity making him slip up. 'Coming Be—'

Lucky for him she barely heard it, she was too focused on looking around. 'This is strange.…' She ran her hand over the kitchen bench lightly. 'It doesn't feel like home even though it looks like it. I thought that maybe if I came here and saw that it was still my home I'd be less confused but I'm not.'

Rick shrugged, 'maybe because this place had only been your home for a year.'

'This place was never my home,' Kate said, walking towards her bedroom.

'Do you need a hand?'

'Not sure,' Kate said, shrugging, 'just come in anyway.'

'You sure?'

'Yes.' Kate said rolling her eyes and walking through the door, giving him no chance to doubt her words.

He walked through the door to see her sitting on the bed, the covers pulled up quickly before she had left for the funeral. She looked confused and sad at the same time. 'Rick, I was here, just a week ago unknowingly about to be shot at my mentor's funeral. Shouldn't there be something tying me to here?'

'No,' he walked over and sat down next to her. 'A person's home isn't where their things are; it is where they can be themself, where they feel most free.'

She contemplated his words, she never had felt at home on her own, not after the bombing. A web of confusion was filling her and with a final thought of the fact that she was going to have to think of this place as home she pushed away the thoughts, preferring to forget that this dream would have to end. She rested her head on his shoulder lightly, and lifted her feet in the air. 'I want my heels.'

Rick laughed lightly, 'of course you do Kate.'

'Lanie really didn't think about them.'

'Where are they? I'll grab what you need, you just rest.'

'I can do it.'

'No, Kate, I insist.' He said standing in front of her.

'You've already done so much for me.'

'I'm just returning the favour, you have put up with me for almost four years after all.'

'It's not as hard as I make it seem.'

'I know.' Castle said smiling.

Kate pointed at the closet doors, 'my heels are at the bottom. Grab me the shiny black ones, oh and the red stilettos.'

To Kate this was what it had been like when she was moving into his loft, they worked together on packing up her apartment. For a few solid days Rick and her had worked to sort out her stuff, what she would chuck out, what she would take and what she wanted to store at her Dad's.

_'I can't wait to come home to the loft every night.'_

_'You already do.' Rick said walking over to her side. _

_Kate wrapped her arms around his neck, 'yes but now it's officially home.'_

_Rick leant down and kissed her lips lightly, 'it always has been.'_

Rick asked her what else she wanted to take and she directed him through her closet, leaving him confused. 'Maybe you should do this after all.'

Kate sighed jokingly and walked over, grabbing a few things off the hangers while Rick watched, leaning on the wall beside the cupboard.

_He was watching her closely as she sat on the floor folding up the few articles of clothing that were yet to have been moved to his apartment and put them into the boxes lying around her. Kate could feel him watching her and looked up to see that little smile on his face, 'what?'_

_'You're beautiful.'_

_Kate looked down and blushed slightly, folding up one of her many work shirts. 'You're not too bad yourself Castle.'_

_'Lucky for you.' _

_'Hey!' Kate said throwing a pair of jeans at him, watching as they collided with his broad chest. 'You're lucky that I love you.'_

_'I really am.'_

Kate reached towards the back of her closet, reaching for the box that she knew was sitting there. 'You can do something else if you want, I won't be long.'

'I like watching you, although I do feel a little useless.'

Kate smiled, 'well you could help and grab me some stuff from the lounge?'

'Sure.'

'Next to my computer is a small notebook, open it and I will hurt you, could you grab that for me.'

Castle nodded and walked out of the room grinning, like he was going to listen and she knew that he wouldn't. He walked through the lounge, a bounce in his step. Peeking around the corner of the room he saw the notebook lying open on the desktop, now he would have an excuse to look. He could hear himself defending his actions now 'but it was open Beck—Kate'. Even in his head he couldn't get it right.

He went to reach for the brown notebook but a paper fluttering softly in the breeze caught his eye, looking up he saw the open shutters of the window displaying everything that Kate knew about her mother's death. Smiling faces in photographs looked back at him through that one ominous word, 'deceased'.

He was drawn the window, like a moth to the flame. The third man was no longer a question, yet Kate hadn't put the Captain up there. Still in its place was a white sheet of paper with a large question mark in the centre.

A voice broke his thoughts, 'Rick, is it really that hard to find a book? It should be sitting right there.'

'I've got it…' He hollered back, grabbing the book of the desk quickly, sneaking one last glance at the window.

He walked back into the bedroom, riffling through the pages of her notebook. 'I didn't know that you drew.'

'I don't very often, I've only started up again lately. It helps me calm down when I'm stressed and I can't punch something.'

Rick smiled at her, 'you are actually pretty good.'

Kate scoffed, 'I just like to draw, and I don't actually believe that I can so no need to pretend.'

_The three of them were sitting around the table, laughing and joking about the day. Alexis looked over at her dad who was arguing against both females._

_'Mine was totally cooler! It had a machine gun.' _

_'No way, a t-rex having a machine gun is pointless since its puny little arms wouldn't be able to fire the bullets anyway.' _

_'But a zombie living on a spaceship a hundred years in the future is possible.'_

_'It wasn't a zombie Castle, it was a person. He was just really beat up.'_

_'There is no point arguing with you two is there?'_

_Kate and Alexis shook their head simultaneously, 'nope.'_

Alexis had been more like a friend to Kate than a daughter, although she still had the maternal instincts at times calling for her to protect her Alexis was too mature to need another mother. What she needed was a female that she could talk to, someone that would be there like a mother but wouldn't judge like a friend.

'Are you ready to go?' Kate asked patting the closed bad next to her. 'I've got everything that I need. I think.'

'Alright, let's go.' Rick took the bag off the bed and waited for Kate to follow him out of the apartment.

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><p>Kate smiled slightly as she unzipped the bag, sitting on the top was her toiletries. As much as she loved the way that Rick smelt it wasn't her, it wasn't cherries. Snatching the bottle off the pile of things she lifted the lid and smelt the subtle fragrance that came spilling out.<p>

Where did she shower, upstairs in the guest bathroom or Rick's? Rick had put all her clothes in his room anyway, so why should she go upstairs just to get dressed down here? Kate shrugged and kicked off her flats, wriggling her toes on the soft rug.

She took a change of underwear into the bathroom and stripped off, trying to ignore the patches of white on her chest and side. Soon enough it would just be a scar, not a wound. Kate double checked that it was a waterproof bandage and turned on the shower, waiting as the water heated up.

Standing under the water was relaxing, the way that it hit her body and cascaded down to pool under her feet. She could have stood there all day, just feeling the water hit her bare back.

She wasn't quite used to there not being her body wash in the shower, only his that made him smell like almonds, a scent that she loved. When they were married and Rick was away for any reason she would use his, just so that she felt more at home. But she was glad to have her own, it was a bit more normal.

She took her time, she had to when the wounds would pull tight forcing a gasp to escape. Slowly but surely she felt a little more human, a little bit better. She let the water run over her head for a while, in a futile attempt at cleaning it since she was unable to lift her arms and wash it herself.

Kate stepped out of the shower, the cool air hitting her skin. She looked at her wet hair in the large mirror, washing it with just water was not enough, it looked completely disgusting. Kate could hear a scuffling on the other side of the door.

'Castle,' Kate called out tentatively, holding her towel to her naked body carefully.

'Kate?'

'I need a hand.'

He made his way over to the door, worry filling his voice, 'Are you alright?'

'I'm fine, I just… I can't wash my hair.'

'Oh.'

'I need you to help me, please.'

'Uh, yeah, I can help.'

'Grab me one of your old shirts and come in, I'm covered.'

'Okay.' Rick searched through his draw for an old shirt, finding his old college one he moved back to the door. He held a hand on the door handle hesitantly, this was going to be weird. Sure he had washed plenty of women's hair before but not Kate's.

He remembered washing Alexis' hair as a child and realised that they were going to need a jug. 'I'll be in there in a second, I've just got to grab a jug from the kitchen.'

'Alright,' Kate said through the closed door. Twisting slightly caused her scar to pull and rub against the side of her bra painfully. Wincing she turned forward, looking at the plain white walls of his bathroom was getting pretty boring.

He opened the large door to see her sitting on the edge of the bath, white towel wrapped tightly around her body. Rick offered her the shirt, she didn't take it from him.

Kate cocked her head to the side and smiled, 'the fact that Lanie brought me all button up shirts didn't make you think that I would struggle with lifting my arms?'

Realisation hit him, 'I can get you another shirt, just give me a minute.'

He went to turn but Kate called him back with laughter in her tone. 'Don't worry about it Rick, I can cope. Just help me bring the arms to the front.'

Together they manoeuvred the shirt so that she could get her arms through, with minimal pain. The shirt was big enough on her that it sat around the towel but she decided to let it go, she had put on underwear before so it wasn't like she was showing anything in the shirt that was longer than a few of the dresses she had worn in her life.

After the struggle Kate took a few deep breaths, to regulate her breathing, 'alright lets go.'

With unsteady hands Castle attempted to wash her long locks, brushing out the tangled strands with his hands under the warm water. He was standing intimately close to her as she lathered the shampoo into her hair. Moving to either side he tried to get it evenly through her chestnut hair.

'What did you want to do for the rest of the day?' Kate asked with her eyes closed.

Castle sighed, 'I have to write, Gina is still pressuring me for the next chapter and I have nothing done.'

'You should do that.'

His hands stopped their ministrations for a moment, making Kate open her eyes in dismay. 'I don't want to leave you on your own.'

'I will be fine Rick, you do your thing and I will entertain myself.'

'Are you sure?'

Kate nodded and he went back to doing her hair, slightly relieved. Kate was just savouring the feeling of his hands massaging her scalp, having someone else was her hair usually made her feel powerless but Castle was Castle and he made it fantastic, careful and attentive.

'I'm positive. I need to sort out my things anyway.'

He wondered for a moment where she was going to put them, he hoped that it was downstairs. He had already become too used to having her in his bed each night.

'Is it alright if I clear out one of your drawers, so that I can put some of my stuff away rather than having it all over the room?'

Rick was relieved, 'I'll do it once we are finished here.'

'I'm not imposing am I? I can put it upstairs if you want.'

'No.' He interrupted her just a little too eagerly. 'You don't have to do that, if you feel more comfortable with me then stay.'

'Good because I didn't want to leave.' Kate tilted her head back as far as she could while he poured the warm water over her head.

Castle ran his fingers through the length of her hair as he washed the shampoo out with the jug. They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying being together, without tears and without pain. Finally he was done. As she moved to grab the towel off the floor he beat her to it, 'turn around.'

Bemused Kate turned around and sat on the edge of the bath as he towelled her hair dry, 'thanks Rick.'

'No problem,' he smiled to the back of her head and stood to put the towel on the rail, 'anything else?'

'If you don't mind could you brush it for me?' She bit her lip lightly as he grabbed a brush off the counter and walked back over, this time standing behind her as she placed her feet in the large bath. 'I feel like such a nuisance.'

'You shouldn't. I like being able to help you for once Kate.'

Kate laughed softly, 'thanks again.'

'Like I said before, it's no problem at all.'

* * *

><p>Kate sat on the stool in front of the kitchen watching Alexis cook, 'are you sure there is nothing that I can do?'<p>

'You could chop these I guess, if you are up to it.' Alexis said pushing a chopping board with a pile of snow peas over to Kate.

'I think I'll be fine with a few vegetables.'

Kate chopped them quickly, glad that she was no longer feeling as useless. She looked over to Alexis who was busy preparing a curry for dinner. Kate could tell that something was wrong with Alexis, she seemed more reserved. Kate didn't want to pry, if Alexis needed to talk to someone she would.

She passed Alexis back the peas, who took them and threw them into the fry pan straight away. Kate looked around the kitchen seeing her purse and the few things she had bought at the fair yesterday. She walked over and sorted through the pile of things that had been abandoned in a hurry, a note pad, a few little trinkets, the sign and the jewellery.

Opening the striped bag Kate took out the twine bracelets, 'I got these for you at the arcade yesterday.'

Alexis tried to smile warmly as Kate handed them over, 'thanks.'

'It's no problem, I hope you like them.'

'They are great, Kate, thanks.' Alexis turned away, trying to hide her sadness as she slipped the colourful strands over her wrist. Kate was trying, yet Alexis was just pushing for her to go. The woman was a danger to her family, she had a gunman trying to kill her and she was staying with them, putting them all in danger too. She felt a catch in her throat, she had to remind herself that Kate needed them. She needed help, being a compassionate person she could allow that.

Kate snatched a snow pea out of the pot lying abandoned in front of her as Alexis pretended to be busy with the rice. 'Is your Dad ever going to leave that study today?'

Alexis took a deep breath, hoping that her voice wouldn't betray her. 'I would say no, I've never seen him this… this absorbed in writing, even when he was writing Nikki Heat.'

'Really?' Kate mused, not really asking for an answer.

'I wonder what he is writing.'

'Who knows,' Kate said shrugging. 'Do you want me to get him for dinner?'

Alexis nodded, her back still turned. 'Thanks Kate.'

As Kate walked across to the study Alexis wiped a tear that was threatening to fall. Everything was going to be alright, everything would turn out okay in the end.

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><p>Kate walked back into the room alone, 'your Dad said that he would eat later, that he wasn't hungry.'<p>

Alexis shrugged, 'that happens a lot when he is writing.'

'Yeah, it does.'

Alexis looked at her quizzically, wondering how she could agree when she had never seen him like this. 'I guess it's just you and me then. Gram won't be home until late.'

'That's fine by me.'

Dinner was fairly quiet, neither of them quite sure what to say to the other. They talked but nothing of any substance. Kate asked about Ashley and Stanford, Alexis said that they were all the same, nothing had really changed. She was still on track to graduate early and Ashley and her were closer than ever.

'You went to Stanford right?'

Kate nodded, 'before the academy.'

'What was it like?' Alexis asked, spearing a piece of broccoli.

'Different from New York, but it was good.' Kate clasped her hands together, resting her elbows on either side of her bowl. 'It gave me a chance to learn about lots of things, and not just the things in my classes. College is where you grow and become truly independent. Being so far away from home was hard, even harder than Kiev because there I had something to distract me. But I would say that with Ashley there you will be alright.'

Alexis processed all this, she hadn't thought about being homesick that much. She had travelled so much as a kid that she never really considered it. 'I hope so.'

'You will do fine, in fact, you will do better than anyone. You always do.'

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><p>Alexis made an excuse to escape upstairs as soon as they had eaten and cleaned up. She was pushing her boundaries by trying to play nice. It was strange for her, to feel such animosity towards someone that she couldn't stay around them for too long. She didn't like it, not one bit.<p>

Kate spent the rest of the night looking around the apartment, finding everything that was different from how she remembered with a slight pang in her stomach. Photos that she remembered were still slightly different, one of them all was missing one important ring. Another was missing a white gown and a fair few well fitted tuxes.

Reaching the last of the photos Kate browsed the bookshelves slowly, waiting for something to catch her eye. Finding one she took it off the shelf and curled up on the couch, legs tucked underneath her.

Kate read until she felt her eyes drooping, fatigue taking over. She took a quick look at the clock, noticing that it was well past midnight. She got up and made her way over to the study, turning off the lights as she went.

The loft fell into darkness and she noticed that there was no clicking of the keyboard to be heard from the office behind her. Curiously Kate walked into the study quietly, hoping to surprise the writer. He wasn't at his desk. Kate looked around and spotted him in the corner of the room.

Kate looked over at Rick, he was sitting there peacefully, eyes closed lightly as his head rested against the soft leather of the couch. She contemplated leaving him there for the night but she was sure that he would end up whinging in the morning and so she walked over and shook him lightly. 'Rick, Rick. Wake up.'

The writer just huffed and turned his face away, sinking lower into the soft couch.

'Fine, you sleep out here and ruin your back while I sleep in your comfy bed.' Kate said trying to tease him.

Castle nodded slowly, not even hearing the words she was saying, he was too tired. He listened as she walked into his room and saw through squinted eyes that the light disappeared from under the door.

He opened his eyes slightly, feeling them sink lower and lower with each moment. He wanted to move and be with her but his body was already asleep, his limbs felt like stone and his eyes were dangerously low. He decided that he would go in a minute, just one minute.

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><p>She couldn't sleep, not at all. The bed was too cold and empty without him in it. She reached out into the void of sheets, searching for the warm body that wouldn't appear.<p>

As exhausted as she was she couldn't sleep, not without Rick beside her. It felt all wrong. She tugged her tank top back down from where it had ridden up, trying to get comfortable. She tossed and turned for a while, rotating around and around. Finally she tried to sleep on her stomach, not a good idea when there were still stitches and a bad wound. She gasped at the pain throbbing through her body and turned onto her back quickly, holding her wounds caringly.

They had been okay the past few days, no longer stabbing pain just a dull roar. Now though the pain had re-ignited. She took a few deep breaths to calm the urge to scream, screaming would do nothing. Instead she just grimaced and tried to ignore the pain. It took a while but soon enough she was able to relax and let her tense body fall into the soft mattress.

The door opened quietly, but Kate heard it clearly. She rolled onto her side as the covers were lifted, shivering at the rush of cool air. As Castle moved in beside her she turned to face him, 'finally decided that the couch wasn't comfortable?'

'No, you weren't there.' Rick mumbled before pulling him too her, one arm locked tightly around her thin waist.

Kate smiled into the darkness, moving back till she was pressed against his warm chest completely, savouring the closeness. 'I'm glad.'

He rested his chin on her shoulder, his light stubble scratching the almost bare skin softly. 'Mhmmm.'

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><p><strong>So almost 4,500 words in about two days, pretty good for me…. I hope you guys liked it, because I sure did. Maybe reading over it I will want to hit myself but I had fun getting back into fanfiction again, especially with a few of these scenes. I just hope that there aren't too many mistakes and if there are, I apologise profusely.<strong>

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews from last chapter, especially Celeste. who reminded me that I desperately needed to update. I hope you guys still love my story, even if I am a terrible updater! **


	15. Chapter 15

**Well, I know I said to some of you lovely reviewers that I would have a chapter up on Sunday but unless I am able to write and edit a chapter in an hour that isn't going to happen… So Monday it is, American Monday that is... maybe. Nope, American Tuesday because if I don't get it up tonight (*cough giggles cough*) I won't have time until Friday at the earliest.**

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><p>It was the middle of the night, well middle of the morning when Rick felt something wake him up. Quickly he assessed what he could feel. Kate lying next to him, no light flowing in and no sounds to be heard. He was about to close his eyes again when he hear it, a quick intake of breath choking the detective curled into his side.<p>

Kate tried to pull him closer, whimpering in her sleep. She was crying but she was not awake, he could tell somehow, if she asked he would have claimed spidey senses. As she whimpered again Rick rubbed her back lightly, whispering soothing words but nothing would help. 'It's okay Kate, I'm here, and you're safe.'

The woman continued to cry in her sleep, not waking from the nightmare that was slowly taking over. In her mind she saw guns, glints of light, sirens. She could feel the pain as it ripped through her chest, searing into her heart and soul and then darkness, a weightlessness that felt like she was floating.

Suddenly it was white, everywhere she looked was white. She turned her head, it felt like a tonne of bricks had landed on it. Looking to her side she saw blue gowns bustling around, hospital Kate figured. Stupidly she lifted her head, she could see Josh standing there, scalpel in hand trying to calm himself down. 'Time of death…' Kate screamed, drowning out the terrifying words.

No she wasn't dead. She couldn't die.

'Kate!' She was shaking a lot, almost like she was being thrown out of her lifeless body. 'Kate! Wake up!'

Slowly she felt warmth filling her body again, she could feel the heartbeat in her chest, erratic and pounding but it was there. Opening her eyes she met Rick's worried blue orbs. Biting back another sob she tried to stutter, 'sorry for waking you.'

'You're okay Kate, I'm okay. Everyone is okay.' He pulled her closer, holding her fragile body to his. Rick ran his fingers through her hair lightly, waiting as her sobs subsided. 'Everything is okay.'

'I died Rick. I was going to leave you and everyone.' Kate sobbed, 'I may have wished for death a million times ten years ago but that's because I had nothing to live for.'

Rick laced his fingers through her smaller ones. 'It's okay, it was just a dream, and it wasn't real.'

'It could have been.' Kate looked up at him, 'I don't want to die anymore.'

Rick felt a lump in his throat, 'anymore'. When had she wanted to? Although he prided himself on his words, they were failing him at the moment. Nothing that flittered through his brain seemed to be right, nothing was perfect like the woman in front of him. Nothing other than 'I love you'.

'I love you too much.' Kate said as she snuggled into his side, kissing his chest over his steadily beating heart and closing her drying eyes.

Rick looked up at the ceiling for a while, until the detective's breathing evened out. He lifted his head and kissed the top of her brunette curls. Breathlessly he whispered to the still room, 'I love you too Kate Beckett.'

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><p>Kate woke up to a warm arm wrapped securely around her middle and a hand cradling her ribs just a little too securely. 'Rick,' Kate tried to push his arm off by herself but he was holding on too tight. 'Ricky,' Kate sing songed. 'Richard Castle! Castle!'<p>

At her harsh words Rick began to stir behind her, 'mmmmh, Kate. Stop moving. Let me sleep.'

'Move your arm, it hurts.' Kate hissed.

Jolting awake Rick moved his arm away from her quickly, 'sorry.'

'It's okay,' Kate said attempting to smile through the pain.

Seeing her grimace Rick pulled away from her and held himself up with one arm. 'No it's not, I hurt you.'

'I'm always sore in the morning, just give me a minute and I'll be fine.' Kate bit her lip, partly from the pain and partly from the fact that before climbing into bed Rick had removed his shirt and was currently lying next to her bare chested. He wasn't a body builder by any means, nor a gym junkie, but he had a definition that you wouldn't expect.

'You don't always have to be the tough one Kate,' Rick placed a hand lightly over hers that was resting on her wound. 'You can just admit that you're in pain.'

Kate shook her head, she didn't want to talk about it. 'What were you writing last night?'

The writer sighed, there was no way he would win this argument. 'Our story, like the Doctor wanted.'

'Really, that's what got you so entranced?' Kate asked smiling, it was sweet.

Rick shrugged as he ran a finger down her arm softly. 'I've always wanted to write Nikki Heat without the pseudonyms.'

'Could I read it?' She pulled her arm away from the tickling.

'I'm not done yet,' he let his arm fall back down onto the dark comforter. 'You are going to have to be a little patient, I'm a writer.'

Kate smiled, almost a real smile this time, 'my next session is Monday so don't forget to finish it before then.'

As Kate's grimacing subsided Rick pulled her back toward him, letting her use his bare chest as a pillow. 'What did you think of Doctor Burke?'

'He seemed to see right through me and that was a little scary but I am there to bare my soul I guess.' Kate put an arm around the writer, holding him like he had held her earlier.

'Dad?' Alexis' voice carried into the bedroom.

Rick looked up at the door and back at Kate to see her nodding, 'come in pumpkin.'

The red head poked her face around the door, 'Kate, hi.'

'Hey Alexis,' Kate said sleepily, suddenly all too aware of the way she was resting against the girl's shirtless father. She sat up slightly, removing herself from the comfort of Rick.

'Do you know where the old portable DVD player is, the one that you got for my birthday years ago? I need it for school.'

Rick thought for a moment, but it was Kate who spoke. 'It's in the spare bedroom, on the top shelf.'

'Uh, thanks.' Alexis disappeared quickly, seeming to feel a little awkward and confused.

Kate did not blame her at all, she just walked into her father's bedroom where a woman who wasn't even dating her Dad was sleeping, well lying, almost on top of him. 'We should get up.'

'Do we have to?' Rick whined, wanting to have her holding him again. He wrapped an arm around her, careful to stay below the wound on her side, and pulled her towards him. Kate smiled and shuffled over slightly, letting herself rest for a minute. 'See, we could just stay in bed all day and watch movies.'

'As much as I want to, I'm hungry and we aren't going to get food unless we get up.' Kate sat up slowly and threw the covers off her long legs. 'Come on, I'll even let you pick breakfast.'

Kate had to supress a groan as his childlike smile took over, this was not going to be good. 'Katherine, I am going to introduce you to the most amazing breakfast ever, smorelettes.'

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><p>'This is disgusting Castle.' Kate picked at the… thing in front of her. 'How can you even eat it?'<p>

Rick paused, a forkful of the mixture halfway to his mouth, 'Detective, I am appalled at your tastes.'

'It's terrible!' Kate smiled and pushed her barely touched plate over to him. 'You can have mine too.'

'I guess I can cope with that…' Rick teased. 'What do you want instead?'

Kate didn't want to make a fuss, but she couldn't not eat and she couldn't cook her own. She spied the egg carton lying on the counter, 'plain eggs?'

Rick sighed dramatically before getting up and putting the pan on again, 'fine, be boring.'

'Talking of boring, I assume you need to do some writing?'

Rick looked up, shock written over his face. He pointed the egg flip at her accusingly, 'are you calling writing boring?'

Kate laughed, making Rick smile. 'No, I was meaning that I would have to find something else to do. I thought I might see if Lanie was free today.'

'That actually sounds really good, because I need to get Gina this chapter. Anyone would think her job depended on it…' Rick joked, cocking his head to the side slightly.

'Good.' Kate said, snatching another mouthful of the smorelette from his unfinished plate.

'Hey!' Rick accused, pointing at her hand with the slightly oily utensil.

Kate shrugged with a smirk, 'what? I'm hungry.'

'Nothing is ever done quickly enough for you is it Katherine?' Rick shook his head sadly.

'This actually isn't so bad.' Kate said as she stole another piece unashamedly.

* * *

><p>Lanie was working and Kate had nothing to do, she was just roaming around the loft quietly. Kate smiled when she caught sight of an instrument case in the hall closet. She grabbed it out quickly and was happy to see that it was a guitar, very out of tune but a guitar none the less.<p>

Settling down on the couch she tried to tune it but the stretch was too much on her side, the scar would feel like it was ripping open. Sadly she placed it down on the coffee table, looking at it forlornly as she flipped through the magazine beside her.

The bustle of New York and the sound of Rick writing was the only sound filling the air, as a siren went past Kate felt her heart beat a little faster. Her eyes shut and her hand lifted to her chest involuntarily. She took a few deep breaths and tried to calm her heart, she had to stop getting so worked up over everything.

Kate could hear the soft tapping of keys flowing from the office, rhythmic and soothing. Rick was there, they were together. Everything was okay. All she needed was Rick.

Closing her eyes she felt her thoughts beginning to flow and develop an idea, she had to get better, she had to do something about all this. It would be hard but she had to do it, there was no point in sitting around idly, letting everything stay the way it was. Rick might not like it, and maybe she would have to go it alone but Kate realised, it was inescapable, she had to do it. Gathering up all her will she walked into the writer's office. He looked up at her inquisitively as she entered. Her voice shook with each word, 'Rick, I need to leave.'

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><p><strong>For a bit of shameless self-promotion, I just posted the first chapter of my Secret Santa story, it's called Kismet. It would be awesome if you guys would check it out! <strong>

**I need Christmas to hurry up so that I can read Heat Rises and write Castle's point of view… I need to know what he was thinking and what the hell he wrote to figure out what I can write for him. Don't spoil it for me though! **

**Once again, I want to know what you guys want to see happen! Let me know and I'll see if I can incorporate them, I love to hear what you want to happen. Oh and the reviews I have gotten are amazing! Each one makes up for my terrible work hours this week, I worked ten hours today. So seriously, thank you! **


	16. Chapter 16

**Merry Christmas, that's a little bit late but Happy New Year! Sorry for the delay, life is well being a bit too alive for my liking.**

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><p>'What?' Rick asked, feeling his heart stop for a moment.<p>

'I need to leave this place, I need to get out of New York.'

'You want to leave us?' Rick asked desperation beginning to seep into his tone.

Kate moved over to him as quickly as she could, unsure of how to stand she leant against the desk lightly. 'No, I just… I can't handle this place at the moment.'

He took his sock covered feet on the edge of the desk and sat up a little straighter to look her in the eye, 'what do you mean?'

Kate clasped her hands in front of herself lightly, 'every move I make, every glint of light, every siren I hear, makes me think of the shooting.' She took a deep breath, trying to eradicate the lump building in her throat. 'It's stupid but I can't stop the memories. Everything makes me think of the moment that the bullet tore away part of me, my skin and my soul.'

'It's not stupid Kate,' Rick said taking her hands in his and squeezing them lightly. 'Where did you want to go?'

Kate tried to slow her breathing, 'anywhere. Anywhere that isn't here.'

'What about the Hamptons?'

Kate nodded, staring at the high ceiling intently.

'We could leave tomorrow if you want.' Kate looked down to object, not wanting to be a bother but before she could Rick soothed her, 'I prefer to write there anyway, it's less distracting.'

'What about Alexis?'

He stared into her eyes, searching for some comfort. Searching for something that would tell him this didn't mean she would be leaving him soon. 'She has mother here and is on holidays soon, if she wants to come.'

'I really don't want to be a bother.' Could she even say it, those terrifying words that could be the beginning of the end? Taking in a deep breath she tried, 'if it's too hard I'm sure Dad and I could go stay at his cabin and you could stay in New York.'

'No Kate, I want to go with you.' His eyes spoke of his honesty, he didn't want her to leave, ever.

She let out the breath she had been holding and a ghost of a smile crossed her lips. 'Thank you Rick.'

'Always,' Rick smiled back at her. 'We should leave tomorrow morning, it should be enough time to pack and make sure that Alexis will be alright without her favourite parent.'

'Who says Meredith doesn't take that title, she did take her to Paris on a whim remember…' Kate trailed off grinning, most of her gloom from before gone.

Rick just glared and tapped a few more words into the document that was open before closing the laptop that had been resting on his knees. 'You better be teasing Detective.'

'Oh, you know you love me.' Kate's grin diminished as she sensed the awkwardness from her last statement. Shuffling her feet on the soft rug she avoided his eye, 'I'll – uh – leave you to write.'

'No, stay,' Rick held onto her hand in an attempt at keeping her there. 'Nikki and Rook aren't co-operating anyway. I think I'm going to have to scrap everything that I've written so far.'

Kate moved back to his side, 'why?'

'Nothing seems right, the words that I write aren't enough, the storyline is pathetic and Nikki isn't…' _you. _The writer mentally scolded himself for the thought, they were separate people. He could never truly capture the extraordinary nature of Katherine Beckett. 'Nikki isn't herself.'

'I'm sure you can work it out.' Kate looked down at him and wanted nothing more than to sit on his lap and have him attempt to stretch his arms around her and write, like they used to – no, like she imagined, Kate corrected.

'Did you need anything from your apartment before we go?'

Kate shook her head, not trusting herself to speak without saying something wrong.

'I'll tell Alexis and Mother tonight. Do you need to tell your Dad?'

Kate nodded again, 'and Lanie.'

Not wanting to leave him again she stood there playing with his fingers for a moment. 'What is this beach house like anyway?'

* * *

><p>A few hours later everything had been arranged, they would leave in the morning and stay until they had to come back for a session with the therapist or physio. It didn't take Kate long to pack, most of her stuff was still in the bag she had brought back from her apartment. Rick had started to put it away for her but she stopped him. Moving around each other Rick and Kate packed, talking quietly about nothing important.<p>

'Kate, where are you?'

'I'm in here Lanie.' Kate called out from Rick's room, hoping the sound could travel through the office and out to her friend.

'Writer boy's got you in his man cave already?'

'We were just packing.' Kate said as she walked out to meet her friend in the living room.

Lanie gave her a light hug, 'how have you been?'

'I'm fine.'

Lanie rolled her dark eyes, 'tell me the truth.'

Kate sighed as she stepped away from the medical examiner. 'I'll be fine once we get out of here.'

'I brought a goodbye dinner,' Lanie pointed at the bags littering the kitchen bench.

'Rick said that he'd be out in a minute,' Kate smiled towards the office making Lanie smirk, her best friend may not realise it but the love she feels for that man isn't her imagination.

'Alexis was just getting something from upstairs…' Lanie trailed off, making sure that there was no red headed teenager around. 'Does she know?'

Kate shook her head slightly, 'not that I know of.'

'She deserves to know Kate.'

'We might tell her later, sometime after I get a little better.'

Lanie stopped talking for a moment before trying to say what she wanted in the kindest way possible. 'What if you don't?'

'Then, we'll tell her at that point.' Kate turned towards the office, searching for Rick, her security blanket. 'I just don't want her to think that I'm terrible, that I'm going to steal her Dad.'

'She would never think that.'

Kate just shrugged, 'I need to get my head around everything first.'

'Fine,' Lanie began to make her way into the kitchen. 'It does make sense.'

'Good,' Kate said as she followed the medical examiner. 'What are we having?'

'The best meal in all of New York,' Lanie said smirking.

'You cooked then,' Kate laughed and shook her head slightly as she settled on a stool, 'you always have been gifted in the kitchen.'

'Smells good,' Rick announced as he made his way out of the office. 'What are we having?'

'Home made goodness,' the detective spun around on her stool to face the writer as he approached. 'Lanie cooked.'

'Perfect,' Rick said, not talking exclusively about the food but also about the woman sitting in front of him. Kate looked perfect, she may have been dressed down and barefoot but her smile, her dishevelled hair and the genuine comfort she radiated filled him with happiness.

Kate turned back to Lanie as Rick places an arm along her shoulders, her friend was watching them closely, attempting to hide her smile. 'What?'

'Nothing,' Lanie said, turning to pretend to look for something on the other bench when really she was just trying to hide the huge smile on her face. They were just too damn cute. 'Where are the servers?'

Lanie spent the rest of the night trying to catch all of their cute moments but she was failing miserably. Her best friend was happier than she should be, since she had just been shot after all and Writer Boy, well he was himself only a little closer to the detective. But Lanie never thought it was wrong, hell, to her the relationship would do them both a world of good if they manage to work it all out in the end.

When she had first learnt that Kate would be staying at Castle's she had considered giving him 'the talk' because no one could do it better than a medical examiner. Only she decided not to when she saw the way he was treating Kate. Even the need to protect her friend didn't hide the caring glances that spoke more than his three years' worth of dedication did, it was obvious that he would go to the ends of the Earth to protect Kate and if he hurt her then he would blame himself. No talk was needed with him, not even for the fun of it.

Along with watching the two love birds Lanie was talking to Alexis, when she would reply that is. She had never known the young girl to be quite so subdued, Lanie put it down to friends or just end of school year fatigue. Knowing Kate any problems that Alexis had would be sorted out soon enough, or at least talked through and with that thought she tried to quell the need to give the teenager a hug.

She bid them goodbye early on in the evening when she noticed both Kate and Rick starting to look a little sleepy. Resting on the couch they were sitting close, his arm was around her and she was nestled into his side. They looked like the couple that they were.

As the ME left both adults decided it was time to sleep, the night before had meant little sleep and Rick had to drive the next day.

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><p>Pulling into the drive way Kate was the beach house that she imagined, not just because of Rick's attempt at describing it, she remembered it. Looking up at the double story, white brick beach house from the Ferrari, she sighed, 'I've missed this place.'<p>

'Did you come here as a kid?' Rick asked, slightly distracted.

'No,' Kate didn't explain, there was no point. She just got out of the car and walked around the side of the house onto the soft sand of the pristine beach.

'I haven't been out here in ages.' Rick called out, walking up behind her slowly and placing one lazy arm around her waist. 'I sometimes forget just how perfect it is.'

Kate hummed in agreement and leant into his solid chest, feeling the added warmth of him filling her heart happily. The moment really was perfect.

Neither wanted to break the moment with words, they were just content with being together. Each was lost, not in their thoughts but in the beauty surrounding them. Blue seas, white sand, a whisper of wind carrying sounds of a far off radio and each had their favourite person wrapped in their arms. Rick kissed her sun warmed shoulder mindlessly before resting his chin on her almost bare shoulder.

'Alexis seemed sad to see you leave this morning.'

'She said that she would be up here soon.' He shrugged, attempting to remain nonchalant.

Sensing Rick's sadness at the fact that Alexis hadn't promised to come with them, Kate twisted her right arm up and touched the back of his head lightly, twisting her fingers into the brunette strands. 'She'll come. My Dad could pick her up on his way through New York, if he decides to come down.'

Again he shrugged, a hint of sadness seeping into his voice, 'we have to go in every week for therapy and physio anyway.'

'Yeah, I spoke to Roger and he was fine with moving my appointment to Monday to coincide with the therapy.' Kate turned her head, trying to look at him and nearly laughed when he did the same and they ended up in a rather compromising position.

Her lips, her smile, they were just inches from his, not even inches. Rick told himself to move away slowly, so that he could get out of it alive but that wasn't going to happen. He was frozen there, staring at her when she was so close, with the natural sunlight showing off her features beautifully.

Kate bit her lip lightly and gave in fighting. She pecked his lips lightly before leaving a tiny gap between their lips again. She smiled broadly and stared into his baby blue eyes.

Rick did the same, only he was awash with confusion, excitement and love. He watched the way that her eyes danced over his face, the green in them being brought out by the light. 'You have gorgeous eyes.'

'As do you,' Kate said smiling and bringing his arm around her waist. After one last glance she stared back out to the ocean, marvelling in its broadness. It stretched along the horizon, a seemingly endless line of blue. Closing her eyes she let the warmth sink into her skin once again and then opened them as she nudged the writer lightly, 'come on, let's go unpack.'

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><p><strong>I'm going to make a soundtrack for this story, just because I can and I like to procrastinate. Plus I was listening to the main song that seems to embody everything that I am trying to capture as I write this story. It's Distance by Christina Perri, just in case you wanted to know.<strong>

**Thanks for all the lovely reviews for the last chapter, you guys really are amazing!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry, for the lack of updates, the shortness of this one and for the chance that this may make no sense, so the usual disclaimer for when I write a multi chapter story. **

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><p>Following Rick into the, rather modest (for the area anyway), beach house Kate once again felt that feeling of home, hearing her soft footprints of the hard wooden floor of the hall mixing with the distant sound of the waves, the slight smell of the beach and the memories written on the walls in invisible ink.<p>

Rick walked took the first left into the kitchen but Kate didn't want to follow. Instead she took a moment to just be there, feeling the memories soak into her skin. The house had been their second home, their sanctuary.

Rick's voice broke her train of thought, 'what did you want for lunch? Or did you want to unpack first?'

Feeling her tummy grumble Kate walked into the kitchen, 'I'm hungry, so let's eat.'

'Let's see what the lovely housekeeper left us.' He pulled open the fridge and smiled at the gifts. His housekeeper was the sweetest old woman who lived next door, if he so much as hinted that he was coming she would cook him a feast.

'Mrs Blythe came through again then.' Kate said, leaning against the kitchen island.

He turned to look at her, surprise written all over his face, 'how'd you know Mrs Blythe?'

_I remember her_; Kate thought to herself but she managed to stop the thought before she spoke aloud. 'You must have spoken about her.'

'Oh,' Rick shrugged and looked back into the fridge grabbing the pie he saw sitting there. 'How does her famous chicken pie sound?'

'Perfect,' Kate smiled.

* * *

><p>Before long they had unpacked, well Castle had unpacked the car, Kate just watched him lug their bags up the flight of stairs and into the master bedroom.<p>

Sorry I can't be more helpful.'

'I don't mind, you are letting me show off my fabulous muscles for once after all.'

'Hah.'

'You can't deny it, I saw you watching me.'

'I was just admiring your strong… work ethic.'

'So that's what the cool kids are calling it these days.'

'Wouldn't you know it.' Kate slid down to rest more on the pillows, she sighed in contentment. The moment was perfect, she had, the man she loved, a comfy bed, a view to die for and nothing was wrong not in that moment anyway.

* * *

><p>As the bedside clock ticked over to midnight Kate was sound asleep by his side, but he was looking out to the sparkling sky that was sending moonbeams onto the two curled up together in bed.<p>

From the open French doors a gust of cool wind blew onto the two, the slowly encroaching cold made them both shiver. Kate, still asleep, curled further into his chest searching for warmth. Rick couldn't sleep though, this moment, the cold, her curled into his chest reminded him of the freezer.

It was scary enough the first time but now, after everything he couldn't get it off his mind. Not just the freezer, but every time they had saved each other. Starting from that case with the illegal documents, he distracted the gunman while she shot him. Slowly he made his way through the list, looking at the woman lying with him, eyes filled with adoration. Together they were one hell of a team, and with Ryan and Esposito, they were unstoppable.

Seeing the Goosebumps rising on Kate's arms he held her a little closer, he should go shut the doors but he didn't want to because that meant less of an excuse to hold her.

How long can he keep it up? Pretending to pretend, pretending that he is just doing this for her? Being with her, having her at his home, it's just as much for him as it is for her. It was wrong, he knew it but there was just something about her that made him want to break every single rule in the book to be with her.

Only when she needs distance, he may not be able to give it. Not with everything that has happened in the last week. That said, he'd try, he would try and give her some space. He could pretend to not be in love with her for a little longer, only show it when she isn't looking.

With Kate lying solidly on one arm, he tried to reach for the sheet that was lying discarded at their feet but it seemed that he was out of luck. Carefully he tried to wriggle his arm free, she needed the sleep, and finally he could reach for the sheet. He pulled it up over them both and settled back down, a now half-awake detective reached for his hand once again and he couldn't help but oblige.

'Go to sleep,' she slurred as she went back to sleep, taking the writer with her.

* * *

><p>Slipping into the comfortable leather office chair felt awesome, he hadn't been here in so long. Not since last summer, and what a mistake that was. Well, it wasn't a mistake exactly. For a while he was happy, he felt connected and right but then… it just wasn't right. And every day while he was there, he wondered what she was truly going to say as he walked away. Sure she had a good poker face but he could tell, there was something else going on in her pretty head that day, something more than what she let on.<p>

He lifted up his laptop and spied the files lying in the bottom of the case, what had possessed him to bring them to the Hamptons? He should have left them, Kate needs to get better first. He mindlessly picked up the top file, not sure that he wanted to open it but at the same time he was dying to know what was inside. Montgomery had told him to protect Beckett, and that's what he had to do. But would it be finding out who did this or putting it behind them that would protect her? He had no idea, usually he could figure it out. Normally he didn't need to because he was impulsive, he would dive in without thinking about anything. That's what made him who he was.

So what was it that was stopping him from doing it this time? He'd had the files for long enough, he'd had enough of a chance to delve in and see just what Montgomery meant in his letter. Picking them all up he walked over to the filing cabinet and threw them into the bottom, they could stay there. For some reason, that's what he wanted this time. He wanted to dive into it with Kate, not into her life, not into something that would hurt her again.

A few, very long, hours later Castle groaned and rubbed at his tired eyes as he hit delete once again, nothing was working. The story, it was wrong, could he really write such a flat storyline after everything that happened? Deep down he knew that the answer was a resounding no but he didn't want to think about changing everything.

If he went one way Kate might just kill him, along with the boys but if he went the other way he knew that Heat Rises would be his biggest disappointment to date. _Maybe if I just get it out of my brain and onto the page it will all work its self out. _Opening up a new document he began to type, the words flowing from his brain to his fingertips without faltering.

The story poured onto the page almost as easily as the recount of Kate and his past few months had. It was something special, to find a story that so easily transferred into prose. He could have just sat there and written for hours, finding those perfect words to fill the perfect story, that is until his human needs reminded him that would never happen.

'Kate, did you want to go grab some lunch?' He walked into the empty living room, and trailed off as he realised she wasn't there. 'And you aren't here…'

He looked through the house, calling out to see if he could find her, he was getting mighty hungry. 'Kate, where are you?'

Walking back down to his office to grab his phone he stopped for a moment, captivated by the power of the sea. It was grey and ominous but it was powerful, stretching for miles and miles under the equally morose sky. The darkness of a stormy sea never fails to take his breath away, something about the strength and loneliness that it radiates just shocks him.

'Shit.' There she was standing waist deep in the churning water. His first thought was nothing but 'she's going to get sick' and then he realised that walking into freezing water on such a dreary day wasn't a normal thing to do. He should probably get to her.

'Kate!' He yelled as he ran down to the water's edge. She didn't seem to be able to hear him, 'what are you doing Kate?'

She turned to face him slowly, her eyes rimmed red. She didn't speak, she just wandered towards him, waves lapping on the back of her calves. When she was only a few feet away she finally looked him in the eye, voice wavering she spoke quietly, 'I walked down this beach in a white dress, feeling the more beautiful than I ever will and by the end of a fantastic day I was Mrs Katherine Castle.'

She craned her neck back to have another quick look at the horizon, 'he's still out there, they both are, the man who shot me and the man who told him to. They could try again whenever they like, or they could go after someone else. They could put someone else through this. Not just the physical pain, the surgery, the scars but the confusion, the mental instability.' She took another step closer until they were practically chest to chest and looked up into his adoring eyes, searching for strength, 'I don't want to be so confused anymore.'

Rick was lost for words, he opened his mouth but nothing came out. Instead of searching for the words he would never find he held her close to his chest, feeling her water logged hair soaking thorough his thin shirt. Looking out towards the swirling ocean he leant his chin on top of her hair and cradled the back of her head softly. They just stood there, with the last of the breaking waves gliding over their feet, holding each other. There were no words, no anger, just sole crushing sadness.

And then the rain started. It poured down from the dark sky, soaking the two standing in the now wet sand. For a moment they were shocked into comatose. Then as Rick stepped back and attempted to pull her towards the house Kate turned her tear stained face towards the sky, letting the rain wash away the salty residue of her tears. She just stood there, feeling the rain slide down her face, soaking into every pore. Once again Rick pulled on their outstretched hands but she was steadfast, she wasn't going to move any time soon.

Suddenly she turned to face him once again her voice soft, 'dance with me.' He cocked his head to the side curiously and so she explained. 'It'll be just like I remember, only a little bit more private.'

He felt a smile encroaching on his face, 'and it will be cold. Plus there's no music.'

She stood right in front of him, a smile hiding the pain that still filled her hazel eyes. 'Are you really going to make me crack out the cheesy dialogue Rick?'

'No,' he chuckled and grasped her other hand, pulling her towards him slowly. 'The dancing in the rain is cheesy enough.'

* * *

><p><strong>Can you tell that I'm just a bit in love with the ocean and rain?<strong>

**The reviewers from last chapter, and every other one are amazing. 171 reviews is 171 more than I expected when I began so thank you all so very, very, very much. Also all the favourites and alerts mean a lot too! I hope you guys are still staying with me. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry for the delay but if I'd written it the other day the update probably would have ended up like this: 'and then a giant bomb came down and killed all of New York and the Hamptons. The end.' So, yeah, forgive me?**

* * *

><p>'I'll see you after the session?' Rick asked, facing the road.<p>

Kate half nodded before thinking of something, 'are you going to see Alexis?'

'Yeah, I'm stealing her away from school on her lunch break.'

'Well, how about you steal her away for the afternoon and I'll just catch a taxi to the physio and the doctors?'

He turned to her quickly, 'are you sure?'

'Yeah,' Kate said smiling.

With that resolved, they both settled into a comfortable silence until they reached the psychologists' office. Kate was lost in thought, wondering about a lot of things but mostly she was wondering what

Rick reached behind him and brought out a leather bound folder, offering it to Kate. 'Here.'

Kate took the folder dubiously, 'what is it?'

'It's our story, through my eyes.' He tried to catch her eye, 'just don't read it until you're in there okay?'

She nodded her head slowly, while raising one cautious eyebrow, 'I promise.'

* * *

><p>With the folder sitting lightly on her jean clad legs Kate felt her every nerve tingling. What would happen once she looked through it? Would everything come back to her, or would she be more confused?<p>

The dark skinned therapist poked his head around the door into the almost empty waiting room, 'Kate, come on in.'

'Thank you doctor,' she swallowed quickly, wanting nothing more than to turn and leave the building. She took a deep breath and pushed herself to enter the spacious office, Dr Burke was already waiting for her in one of the leather chairs.

He had his hands folded lightly in his lap over a small notepad, he was waiting patiently for her to take a seat but he didn't look up at her as she hesitated in the doorway, only sat there, staring out the window. As she succumbed to the odd need to do as he didn't even tell her, she took a seat hesitantly and he began the conversation. 'So, how have you been in the last week? Any improvements, or back steps?'

Kate tried to think, unsure about exactly what he meant, 'no, not really. We decided to go out to the Hamptons, New York was making me feel… scared.'

'So nothing has returned to your memory, or things aren't becoming clearer?'

'Things are becoming clearer Doctor but not the real things, being there, in the Hamptons, is reminding me of the day that I remember getting married, among other moments.'

'Tell me about it, the day that you remember.'

* * *

><p><em>It was the perfect day in the Hamptons, the sun was shining but not overheating and the water was lapping gently against the sand creating the perfect setting for their private beach wedding. It was going to be a fairly small ceremony, small but intimate. There was going to be a slightly larger gathering later for the reception but their vows were only for their family and close friends. <em>

_Kate had reservations about today, about going through today without her Mom. She thought that there might have been something missing from the day but she didn't feel that at all. She had Martha, Lanie, Madison and Alexis for the girly things, her Dad to walk her down the aisle and her mother's necklace beating against her chest reminding her that with every step her mother was there in spirit. As corny as it might have sounded Kate felt like every beautiful ray of sunshine was her mother, shining down on the relationship that without her death might never have happened. _

_The relationship was something that Kate would never have imagined. Not the falling in love and getting married, the thing that surprised Kate was the ease at which they dove into things together, a few months ago she was in a relationship with another man and now here she was standing in front of a mirror in her wedding dress._

_The dress was beautiful, it was styled like her mother's only with a Kate Beckett twist. The strapless bodice hugged her form before flowing into the loose skirt which fell to the floor and seemed to float behind her, something she'd begin to regret as the night went on but it was all worth it. _

_'You ready Katie?' Her Dad's voice seemed to echo around the room._

_'Or course.' Kate smiled, she really was. 'What about you?'_

_He smiled at her, shaking his head good-humouredly, 'I'll never be ready to give up my beautiful girl.'_

_She reached over and squeezed his hand, 'you aren't losing me Dad.' _

_Jim didn't respond, he just held her hand tighter for a moment. 'You look beautiful.'_

_'You scrubbed up pretty well yourself.'_

_'I just know that your mother is watching you and is so proud of everything you've achieved.'_

_'I know.' Tears began to prickle up in her eyes, 'you can't make me cry Dad, I've just finished my make up.' _

_Jim pulled her over to him, enveloping her in a tight hug. 'I love you Katie and your Mom will always be with you. You should know that you look more and more like her every day.' _

_'Well, Mum was a beautiful woman.'_

_'As are you Katherine Anne Beckett.'_

_'I can't believe that I'm going to be a Castle in a few hours.'_

_Jim pushed back his sleeve to glance at his watch, 'not if we don't get moving.'_

_Kate twirled around to face the mirror and re-arranged her strapless gown to sit nicely, just as she was triple checking her hair Martha poked her head into the room to see if she was coming. 'You look beautiful Kate.'_

_'Thanks Martha, you look fantastic too.' The usually bright clothed woman had toned it down a little in colour that day to match with the bridesmaid dresses of navy blue, that said, her jewels could have blinded half the world. _

_Waiting just outside was the small bridal party, Alexis and Lanie as bridesmaids, then her cousin's daughter, Victoria, as flower girl. They had considered going without a bridal party but neither wanted to leave Alexis out of it and it would have looked strange with a bridesmaid but no best man, which lead to the question of Ryan or Esposito and then they decided to just have five, Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, Victoria, and most importantly, Alexis. _

_After a small conversation over their dresses they all lined up, ready to take a walk down the short aisle. As Victoria went Alexis walked back and gave Kate a quick hug, 'I can't believe it's today and in just a few hours you'll be family.'_

_'I can't believe it either Lex, but if we don't hurry it won't be happening.' Kate said as she released the girl and attempted to twirl her around so that she was facing the open doors that lead to the patio where the ceremony was being held. _

_Jim took his daughter's arm in his, staring into her beautiful green eyes, 'Katherine Beckett, you look amazing and no one deserves this perfect day as much as you do.'_

_'Thanks Dad,' Kate said, trying not to laugh, 'you're just saying my full name as much as you can since it won't be Beckett after today aren't you?'_

_'Of course,' Jim chuckled, pulling his daughter towards the doors. 'You ready?'_

_'I've never been more certain.' Beckett's grin was almost radiating, she looked beautiful and she felt perfect. Nothing in those next few hours held dread for her, she was going to become a wife and gain a perfect husband, who happened to have the perfect daughter and an amazing mother. 'Let's go.'_

_Walking down the aisle Kate looked up, only seeing the man waiting for her at the end. Their eyes locked for a moment before each appraised the other. He looked so debonair in his tuxedo but she couldn't keep her eyes off his face. He was looking at her with so much love, and pure adoration._

_When her Dad kissed her cheek lightly and stepped away Kate felt no regrets, this wasn't going to be the beginning of a new life, it was just them turning the next page and stepping into another chapter together, this time as Mr and Mrs Castle. _

_They clasped hands in front of the minister, each mouthing 'I love you' as she began the ceremony. _

* * *

><p><em>Later that night at the reception she looked around and she felt at peace, everyone she loved was together, happy and healthy. Last time her whole family had gathered it was for her Mom, now they were all together again only this time it was to celebrate a future not to mourn a life lost. <em>

_A hand wound around her waist from behind and pulled her into a sturdy, very familiar, chest. 'Hello, Mrs Castle.'_

_She smiled brightly, loving the name already and the implications that it held. She attempted to spin in his arms but the dress bunched up around her legs and stopped her half way. _

_Chuckling, Rick stepped back quickly and watched the silky material fall back into place, his eyes followed her form in the beautifully cut dress, from the long expanse of white silk on the skirt, to the beaded bodice, and up to her stunning face. He pulled her towards him again, whispering in her ear, 'I can't believe that we're finally married.' _

_'I know,' Kate said, fiddling with one of his shirt buttons. 'It seems like it was just yesterday that we were 'just partners', which we both knew was wrong.'_

_'But neither of us wanted to admit it.' He said, continuing her thought, 'I didn't want to admit it because you'd have killed me and you didn't want to because…' Rick trailed off, hoping she would finally tell him._

_She looked up at him, speaking honestly, 'because I was scared, I was scared to go through these firsts for the last time. I would have been going on my last first date, and I would have my last first kiss. I just scared.'_

_'Now we have plenty of firsts to go, first honeymoon, first night together as a married couple, first kid,' he hesitated, waiting to see if she reacted since they had never discussed children._

_Smirking she tiled her head to the side, 'what that's all you've got?_

_Relieved, he replied not wanting to push his luck much further, 'no, but I think we should work on the first two first.'_

_She reached up and pulled him towards her, kissing him passionately. Pulling away only slightly she whispered, 'I can't wait to have the rest of our first, and our lasts together. Well I can wait for the lasts but I can't wait for all those in between.'_

* * *

><p>Breaking off from the story before it got too private to share she decided to voice something that had been confusing her for a while. 'It's strange because I have such vivid memories, of real places that I've never been.'<p>

'What do you mean?'

'Supposedly, I had never been to the place in the Hamptons yet every inch of that house seemed familiar, I could remember moments, small things like a laugh or an echo. I just, don't understand how I can be having memories that vivid without it being true.'

'Kate, is there a chance that you're making these up as you enter. Or you are taking a moment from the real life that you lived and substituting it into the fantasy that has been created in your mind?'

'I guess…' Kate sunk deep into thought, chewing on her bottom lip lightly.

'So, if you try to think about it can you see any of these, possibly real, memories happening in a different place or a different situation?'

'I don't know how.'

'Did Rick and you sit down and talk about past events?'

'No.' She exclaimed, holding the leather bound folder up for him to see, 'but he did write everything out for me.'

He just continued to stare into her soul, at least that's what his penetrating gaze felt like to her, 'fantastic.'

'Did you want to have a look first?' Kate offered, holding out the folder.

He eyed her quizzically, 'haven't you looked yet?'

'No, Rick told me to wait until I was in here with you.'

'Well, no, I don't need to read it. Unless you would like me to,' he amended.

'I don't know…' Kate flipped the cover open, feeling the weight of the decision. Did she really want to think about these… old… new, memories, and to add to that, did she want to share them?

'Kate,' the therapist called her attention, as he tapped his pen onto the notepad in front of him lightly, 'even if you don't share it with me I believe that this is an important step to recovering your memory. Reading through this may trigger a response, or start a slow learning process.'

She took a deep breath and looked back down at the folder, it wasn't going to hurt her, it was just a pile of paper. Right? With some mental talk she managed to open it to the first page where a few handwritten words sat in the middle of the paper.

_Dear Kate,_

_This is for you, a life that you may not remember, but a life that you lived. Although it's not the best of fairy tales, I wouldn't change a thing._

_Always yours, Rick_

Resting under it was a few pages, thirty or so if she had to guess.

He started with the bomb case, when they were in the quarantine tent and the freezer, going over information that she had already heard. He never got to reply in the tent and then she never finished what she was saying in the freezer, seeing it in print after hearing it before did help it settle into her mind.

Next he went onto the bomb, not breaking the story to reference to her reading it at all. He just kept going, telling her about his thoughts. The way that he didn't want to die that day and how he wanted nothing more than to keep her alive. He skipped over the next few weeks, small things that weren't very important happened but they were similar to moments that she remembered and had told him about only the two versions were slightly different. They weren't holding hands, or she wasn't there, or even something as simple as they were not on the same side of a booth.

Kate could feel the tears running down her face and landing with almost no sound onto the ink covered pages. It was confronting to read about a life that she couldn't remember, a life that wasn't as perfect as she remembered.

The writing was fantastic, it was definitely more real than anything Rick had written before but it was also more passionate, she could tell. The words sparkled, the story was honest and the simplicity was something she had never seen him do before. Only it was how real it felt that caught Kate by surprise, she hadn't thought that reading the words would cause more of a reaction than just talking about it.

She coasted through LA blindly, wishing that it was her memories that were true. Then he started on Lockwood's break out, she read slowly, trying to prolong reaching the inevitable shooting. Almost reaching the moment in the hangar with Montgomery she paused, her hand held in the air, ready to turn the page if she had the confidence but she couldn't find any.

'If you don't feel comfortable, take a break. If you take this in small pieces, you might be able to swallow it better.' Dr Burke said after watching her read through the majority of the book. While reading her face had shown so many emotions from sadness to anger and onto doubt and now reluctant acceptance mixed with pure fear.

Relief swept over the detective as she closed the folder with one hand, 'I think that might be better.'

* * *

><p>At the end of her session with Dr Burke she was feeling drained and ready to go home, snuggle up with Rick and a nice book. Only she still had two appointments to go, the doctors and her physiotherapy.<p>

Her doctor gave her the all clear to start going back to normal and exercising slowly, as much as the physio asked her too. Only strenuous activities and too much stretching were still off limits.

He also told her about what happened during surgery, how the bullet had grazed her ventricle, causing cardiac arrest which, after consulting other doctors, he believed to be the cause of the retrograde amnesia since the brain was deprived of oxygen for a short period of time. He hadn't told her before because he didn't want to confuse, or harm her mental state any more than already had happened and he didn't have the clarification he needed from the other doctors.

She entered her physio session slightly bewildered, all the terms and talk of her heart and the amnesia was odd for her. She wasn't dumb and could follow what he was saying but it just didn't seem real, amnesia was something for fiction, not real life.

* * *

><p>Later that day they were riding back to the Hamptons with the top down, letting the wind rustle through their hair.<p>

'Is Alexis coming to stay?' Kate asked, having missed the girl earlier by only a few minutes.

Rick nodded, 'yeah, she wants to come up next weekend after her exams.'

'I should see if my Dad is coming down, maybe he could bring her out?'

Rick reached over and placed one hand on her headrest. 'That would be good, Mother doesn't like driving all that much and I'm not sure if she'll even be coming out.'

'Well, remind me to give him a call later in the week.'

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, thoughts swirling wildly. Kate reached up and took his hand off her headrest and held it in hers, wanting the warmth to fill her palm. She was going to finish the story, she had to but she wanted to finish it with him.

* * *

><p><strong>I apologise if anyone that has any knowledge of psychology, therapy or amnesia is reading this and going 'what the hell is this…' but I'm just making this up as I go along so it is probably, actually most likely, completely wrong but the truth never works in fiction. Retrograde amnesia is a real thing though, I hunted for something that would fit with the story when I began and I only tweaked it slightly… <strong>

**I should stop trying to write these long stories, I always end up hating it so much but I've lasted a fair bit longer than I usually do but it's settling in, so I apologise if it's taking me longer to update and the updates are getting worse, I'm going to push through! **

**Thanks for the reviews! I haven't gotten around to replying to the last few chapters and I'm so sorry, but each one is so fantastic! I mean, it's almost 200 reviews! I really cannot thank you enough, the support is amazing and it makes me so glad to see that people are enjoying what little I can give. You really are the most amazing readers, ever!**


	19. Chapter 19

'How were your appointments?' Rick asked her over the lasagne later that night.

'The doctor explained my surgery and permitted me to begin exercising again, which Roger took to mean more work but it was good. It felt like I was getting more of my life back.' She smiled softly at him before turning back to her plate.

He took another bite before broaching the topic he actually meant but she had avoided, 'and Dr Burke?'

'We went over the story,' Kate sighed. 'I just… it doesn't seem real yet. I can't remember anything, I read what you wrote and I can accept that it's true I just don't… feel it.'

He felt his heart sink, he thought that the recount would be the right thing to get her back. It wasn't that he hated what they had, in fact he loved it, but seeing her so helpless and confused wasn't right. She was Detective Kate Beckett, tough female detective who knew exactly what was going on. 'What did Dr Burke have to say about it?'

'Nothing, we didn't talk about it. He wanted to give me time to process everything, plus I haven't gone through it all yet.'

'You haven't finished it?' He asked curiously.

'No,' she shook her head. 'I couldn't, everything got to be a bit much and the time was running out so I stopped reading.'

'Are you going to finish it?'

'Yes.' Kate paused, 'and if it's okay I want to finish it with you.'

'With me?'

'Yes, I do not want to go through those last few days alone.' Kate pushed her plate away, signalling being finished. Desperate to think about something else she tried to change the topic, 'so how was Alexis?'

'She's fine, Mother hasn't driven her to hysteria quite yet.'

Kate laughed, 'so she isn't struggling too much with you gone?'

'As much as I don't like to admit it, my little girl is growing up and she is learning to take care of herself. Well she has always been able to take care of herself but now she is old enough to.'

'Is she coming down on the weekend still?'

'Yeah, she called your Dad and they arranged for him to pick her up on Friday night before he drives down.'

'Great,' Kate fell back into her seat, smiling broadly. 'I can't wait to see them both again, I got so used to having Alexis around and it's always good to see Dad.'

'Well, it's only a couple of days till they get here.' They lapsed into a shot silence before something dawned on Rick, 'does your Dad know?'

'About what?'

'The amnesia, us?'

Kate took her lip between her teeth lightly, 'no.'

'Do you think we should tell him or just let him figure it out? Because either way he is going to know that something is up after spending the weekend with us.'

'I should tell him…' she said sadly, 'I just don't want to.'

'What will he think?'

'I don't know and that's the problem.'

Rick reached across and placed his hand over hers lightly. 'Your Dad is an amazing man, he has gotten over so much in his life that I'm certain he will be fine with whatever you throw at him.'

'What if he's not Rick?' She swiped at one lone tear angrily, 'I don't want him to fall back into his old ways.'

'Your Dad has been strong for seven years now, he didn't fall back when you were shot. This will not make him that upset again.'

'I hope so Rick.'

He watched her curiously as she tried to gather herself back together, feeling slightly useless as all he could do was sit there. This was a side of her that he'd seen, her trying to hold it all in and be strong. Her father's alcoholism was such a big thing for her that she would never be able to let it go, no matter how many sober years passed it would be a part of her life, the fear that her Dad would sink back into the deep, dark hole.

Wiping her eyes one last time, she stood quickly, 'we better get these dishes done.'

'Not you, me.' He too stood but he spun her towards the living room.

* * *

><p>Each day she was faced with the folder lying fight where she left it, it taunted her daily as she walked through the kitchen. Rick never said a thing, he just left it there for her to decide.<p>

In a way she was glad, he wasn't going to push her to read through it but on the other hand a tiny part of her was hoping that he would decide for her. She had no idea what would happen when she read that file, would everything in her mind right itself or would she just go back into a haze of uncertainty? Both possibilities scared her. She wanted to read it and she wanted to ignore it at the same time, but that wasn't possible and she knew that one day she would have to face those last few pages, just not today.

* * *

><p>Sitting on the couch with Kate's feet nestled under his thighs Rick was attempting to write. The story from the other day that had flown out of his fingertips was almost done, but he knew that although it was exactly what he wanted to write he would never be able to publish it. The story was too real.<p>

Instead he was stuck, writer's block and procrastination marring his progress simultaneously. Even with his muse sitting with him inspiration refused to strike, he just kept circling back to the real story of events.

Kate put down her book and reached out to place a comforting hand on his back. 'What's the problem this time?'

'The story just isn't working, it's like one of our cases when the pieces just don't fit.'

'Well, why don't we take a walk? That might help… I remember that it used to, that among other things but they wouldn't be the doctor's definition of 'light exercise'.' Kate chuckled and winked saucily at the writer who was sitting there smirking at this new side of his partner.

'A walk might work.' Castle said, standing up and reaching out a hand to help her up.

'Good, because that crease between your eyebrows was driving me insane.'

'Isn't it endearing?'

'Maybe to others but I know what it is hiding.'

* * *

><p>Friday came around slowly, both Rick and Kate were anxious for their guests to arrive and that made it seem even slower. Finally though they heard the knocking on the door and they both reacted simultaneously from where they were sitting together on the couch.<p>

A flurry of greetings and hugs were shared, the fathers were especially relieved to see their daughters. Drained from a long day, Alexis took her small amount of luggage straight to her room, pausing only briefly to take back in the house. Jim on the other hand had never seen the house before.

'It's a lovely place you have here Rick.' Jim said, surveying the entrance with a smile.

'It is, but only when there is someone here to share it and the more the merrier.'

'Where can I put my stuff?' Jim asked, lifting his bag in the air for emphasis.

'Straight through that doorway,' Rick pointed, 'down the hall and it's the only door on the right.'

'Thanks for having me here.' Jim said, looking between Kate and Rick.

'It's no problem at all, thank you for looking after Alexis.'

'Let me show you around Dad,' Kate offered as they walked towards the door together.

Straight away Rick bounded up the stairs to see Alexis, his little girl was with him again. He walked into her room already talking, 'so, big weekend planned for all four of us but mainly three since laser tag might be a bit tough on Kate.'

'Dad, I don't want to disappoint you but I have a huge assignment I have to get done by Monday. Plus my early admission forms are waiting to be done.'

'Really?' He whined, falling back onto her bed.

'Sorry Dad, but I have to get this done.'

'I guess I can't stop you… but I can once again put into effect my recently updated 101 ways to distract someone who is studying.'

* * *

><p>'How was the trip?' Kate asked as they made their way down the hall.<p>

'It was a nice drive, Alexis is a lovely young lady.'

'She is, which a miracle if you know Rick and Meredith.'

'Meredith is her mother?' Jim asked.

Kate nodded, 'she cares but just is not the type of person to be a mom.'

'Oh,' Jim said as he placed his bag on the bed. 'Anyway, how have you been Katie?'

'I've been better, but I'm on my way. The doctor said that I was doing great.'

'That is fantastic, so it won't be long and you'll be back in New York?'

'I have about two months till I am supposed to be back at work but the last one is only if I am having complications which doesn't seem likely at this point.'

'So everything really is getting back to normal. I never thought I would say this but hopefully you will be back at work soon since that means you are completely healed.'

Kate smiled and seemed to cheer up slightly, 'once I pass a couple of tests I can be field ready again.'

Jim grimaced, he did not want her back out there with a target on her back but he didn't want to bring it up right at the moment, not when she was only just healing. 'So what are we doing this weekend?'

'Rick said that it is going to be a relaxing but fun weekend since according to him, he and Alexis haven't had much time together and a weekend away is the perfect time for relaxing.'

'That sounds great, just what you need.' Her Dad smiled, not a hint of sarcasm in his statement.

* * *

><p>On Saturday night after Alexis had gone back to her room Jim and Rick found themselves alone in the kitchen. The slightly tense silence was broken by Jim as he voiced the question that had been plaguing him since they arrived. 'Rick, are you sleeping with my daughter?'<p>

Shocked, he nearly dropped the glass in his hand, 'what? No!'

'Well then why is it that you two seem to be more than 'partners' and in morning she is comes out of your room?'

'Well…' Rick trailed off, trying to find a good response. 'I think Beckett should be here.'

Jim eyed him suspiciously, wondering what sort of secret the two were hiding from him. The two men walked back into the living room to find Kate digging into the crackers, 'why do you two look so serious?'

Each took a seat, Rick by her side and Jim on the couch opposite. 'Kate, I think it's time that you told him.'

Terror filled her eyes but he nodded, she couldn't put it off any longer. 'You were told about the complications during my surgery right?' Jim nodded. 'Well, because of that something else happened.' Rick squeezed her hand for comfort, encouraging her to continue. 'Because of oxygen deprivation I developed retrograde amnesia. Basically that means that my memory was altered while I was out of it, I woke up believing that Rick and I were married.'

'What?' Jim asked, completely confused.

'When I woke up from my surgery my brain was filled with memories where I was married to Rick.'

'And you remember now?'

Kate shook her head, 'I'm working with a therapist to see if we can get my memory back but it isn't guaranteed. Even if I don't get it back though I know now that we aren't married, and that so many things that I remember are false but it doesn't stop me from feeling the attachment.'

'Does Alexis know?'

'No,' Rick said, speaking for the first time. 'We were planning on telling her soon.'

'Well she already knows that something is going on, something more than you were telling her. On the way here we were talking about you two and both of us remarked that something was strange but she was adamant that you weren't telling her something.'

'So you aren't angry or upset at all?' Kate asked, slightly shocked at the lack of reaction.

'Not really Katie. You're an adult, I cannot expect you to share everything about yourself with me. If you want to keep something to yourself I respect that, but I do want you to know that if you need anything I am here. Although I am slightly confused about what's going on, but I guess you wouldn't quite understand it either.'

Kate shook her head, 'I really have no idea.'

'Well you're a very intelligent girl, I'm sure you'll figure it out.' Jim looked at the clock, 'it's getting late, I better head up to bed.'

'Night Dad,' Kate said as he kissed her forehead lightly.

'Night sweetie, night Rick,' Jim said, walking out of the room.

Rick waved at the older man slightly, 'goodnight Jim.'

* * *

><p>Later that night as Rick and Kate settled into bed and the darkness settled over them like a soft blanket Kate breathed a sigh of relief. 'It wasn't so bad, telling Dad.'<p>

'He took it surprisingly well.'

'He did...' Kate paused. 'We should tell Alexis.'

'Are you sure you're ready?'

'We can't keep it from her for much longer, there has barely been any improvement so it could take a while. She's a beautiful girl and she deserves to know.'

'I agree, I just wanted to make sure that you were absolutely okay with telling her.'

'I am.'

'Well, let's tell her tomorrow.' Rick tried to sound strong but she could hear the trepidation in his voice.

She placed one hand over his beating heart and kissed his cheek lightly, 'I promise that everything will be fine. Do you trust me?'

'Inexplicably,' he said, pulling her closer and settling down to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm just going to say sorry for such a long break between updates. There are many reasons but I don't feel it's necessary to get into them because the main reason is that I was lazy. <strong>

**I really appreciate each and every review, also the favourites and alerts show me that you guys are still enjoying it so thank you all so very, very much. **


	20. Chapter 20

'Alexis, we know that you know that we haven't been completely forthcoming with everything but I just want to say that it was all me. I wanted to understand what was happening before I involved everybody else in the madness.'

'And I supported her.' Rick added, not wanting Alexis to think that Kate was solely to blame.

The young girl just nodded, feeling a little weary at what could be said.

'When I woke up from my surgery I woke up with amnesia. It wasn't just that I forgot what happened to me but I believed a different… course of events happened. I thought that your Dad and I were married.'

'What?'

'I don't even know how to explain it, I could just remember everything about it. How we got together, the relationship, the wedding, getting to know you better.' Kate reached out and took her hand. 'I'm sorry for not telling you but I hoped that this would all pass without having to worry you.'

Alexis ignored Kate's hand, 'so, let me get this straight. You have been living with us for the past three weeks thinking you two were married? Isn't that going to make it worse?'

Kate shrugged, 'I really don't know. I just know that being on my own is terrifying, having your Dad around makes me feel safe and at the moment I don't think it matters where I am, I am going to be confused. We are trying to make it right, I have been seeing the therapist and we are putting together the real story. I know that we aren't married, but I still feel it. I hope you aren't hurt Alexis?'

'Why would this hurt me?' She asked, genuinely confused.

'We kept a secret from you…'

'It is your life Kate, you aren't my mother, and even if you were my mother you shouldn't have to report everything to me, Lord knows my own doesn't. You are entitled to your privacy and it's not going to affect me.'

'So you're really okay with this?'

'I don't care that you kept it from me.' Alexis said, carefully avoiding mentioning her thoughts on the living situation. 'I wish you had admitted that there was something going on but the past is the past.'

'Well, that was easier than I thought.'

'I'm not exactly the type of kid to go around throwing tantrums am I?'

'You're right,' Kate sighed in relief, 'I just expected it to be harder or for you to be hurt. I'm glad you aren't though, my biggest worry was hurting you.'

'Well you don't need to worry about that.' Alexis lied slightly, hoping neither would catch the slight sarcasm in her words. 'Does Gram know?'

Kate nodded, 'we talked in the first week that I was back, she sensed something was up and I needed to talk about it with someone other than your Dad. Lanie knows too but she is already to invested in my personal life.'

'Oh,' Alexis didn't really mind what the answer was but she didn't want to be around when Martha had found out if the answer was no. 'I was just about to go for a jog down the beach before it gets too hot if either of you wanted to come?'

'I shouldn't, the doctor still has me on light exercise.'

Alexis looked to her Dad, 'Maybe tomorrow Pumpkin, but I will have breakfast waiting for you when you get back and I promise you will put on any calories you lose in the run.'

'I hope so,' Alexis joked as she stood up and left the room.

* * *

><p>As she jogged down the deserted beach Alexis looked out to the sea, it was a nice day and the sun was shining on the already warming water giving it an almost golden glow. With a heavy beat pumping into her ears she ran, pushing herself forward. Even when her lungs were screaming for oxygen she kept pushing herself, she was strong, she had to keep going. Just keep going, keep running.<p>

As her foot landed uncomfortably on a rock she felt her ankle twist. Groaning she came to a halt and collapsed onto the soft sand. Her body relaxed as the pressure to move was gone. With the little energy that she could muster she reached down and pulled her sock away from the skin, prodding carefully to see how bad it was. It wasn't too bad, she should be able to walk back on her own. Instead of getting up to make her slow way back she sat there for a moment, watching the birds flying low over the golden water. It looked peaceful and simple, unlike her mind.

Her head was a black hole at the moment, it sucked everything in but then it disappeared without leaving a trace of its existence. Everything from Beckett and her Dad to school was just a blur, the only thing that stood out from the mess was the fear.

Beckett was almost killed, Alexis' Dad was standing right next to the detective. Every moment that they spent together put his life at risk, any moment that she was with someone else they were at risk. Sure she couldn't tell Kate to leave, or make her live a life of isolation until the guy was caught but why did it have to be her Dad? Could she not find someone else to lean on? Instead of taking away the only proper parent that she had.

She felt like slapping her mind, it was terrible. There was no way she could force her Dad to leave Kate, she was the only woman who had captivated him quite so much. She was the only person who managed to give him so much passion for something after he killed of Storm. Detective Beckett was the only woman that she had seen her Dad with who inspired such a high level of love. It would be cruel to force them apart. But she couldn't stop the selfish feeling of wanting to.

'That doesn't look like running to me.' A voice called out along the lonely beach, Alexis looked up to see Jim approaching.

'I'm resting, that rock just tried to kill my ankle.' She said pointing, trying to force humour into her words.

Jim chuckled as he sat down beside the redhead, sobering up quickly. 'Your Dad said they told you what was going on.'

'Yeah.' Alexis said, looking down at the sand beneath her hands.

'What do you think?'

'About what?' she asked. 'What do I think about the fact that my Dad is in love with a woman who may or may not be in love with him back, that my Dad is living with a woman who has a target on her back?' At Jim's horror filled look Alexis balked, 'I'm so sorry Jim. Beckett's your daughter, I shouldn't have said that.'

'No, you are right. Katie is in trouble at the moment and in turn ours everyone around her at risk but I cannot blame her, it isn't her fault.'

Alexis sighed, 'how can I complain when your daughter has just been shot right in front of you?'

'You can complain Alexis, you have every right to be scared, angry, upset, anything that you feel. I was not the only one there, and she may be my daughter but Rick is your Dad and anything that happens to Katie will affect him too.'

'How can you stand it?' She asked throwing her hands down. 'How can you let her go hunt killers everyday even when she could so easily not come home?'

'Because it is something she wanted to do, it is something she needed and she is very good at it. I can't stop her from doing her job.' The pain he felt about her job was something that he tried to keep to himself, but every time he talked about his daughter being a cop the fear showed itself in his eyes.

'Do you want to though?' She couldn't meet his eyes, they were filled with too much understanding and pity that she just wanted to tell him she didn't deserve it because she was selfish.

'Of course I do. But we are not in the same situation, your Dad's job is to write not catch murderers.'

'But for a while now it hasn't seemed like it, he spends more time at the precinct than home. He even goes in to do paperwork despite the fact that Beckett never lets him do any of it.' She was beginning to get riled up, the frustration caused her words to become clipped.

'Have you told him about all of this?' Jim asked, throwing a small pebble out into the slow mocing water.

She shook her head sadly, 'and what, make him choose between Beckett and me?'

'No but tell him how you feel.' Jim looked her straight in the eye. 'If you wait to tell people what is bothering you everything can become too much, and you lose any control that you had. Life doesn't stop and wait for you to speak up, the same thing keeps happening and gets deeper and deeper until you stand up and voice your opinion.'

Alexis twisted her fingers again, wanting something to do so that she did not have to reply. 'What if he doesn't care?'

'Alexis, your Dad loves you so much. If he thought that something was bothering you he would go to the ends of the Earth to fix it.'

She looked up, dejection written over her face. 'I'm not the only one he loves though.'

'As a father I can tell you that nothing could stop me from trying to do the best for Katie and your Dad is exactly the same.'

'I…' she trailed off, not even sure if what she was thinking made sense.

The two were quiet for a moment as they let the conversation sink in. Alexis felt part of the confusion slinking away. Jim was right, talking helped. 'We should head back, Dad said he was going to make breakfast. You might have to help me though, I'm a cripple.'

Jim laughed as gave her a hand up, 'well I'm old so we can dawdle back together.'

* * *

><p><strong>I felt like exploring the Alexis angle just because I'm full of my own teenage angstconfusion at the moment and I wanted you guys to see what was going through her head. Originally it was going to be Castle who talked with her but I decided to keep him in the dark for a little while longer and plus I really like Jim. **

**Thank you so much to everyone who is still reading, and I apologise for the wait and the length of this chapter after such a long wait. **


	21. Chapter 21

**I can't really explain why I stopped updating for around a year, the reason is quite ridiculous and you would probably think I was just crazy anyway. I just have to say thank you if you are still reading this, especially to those who kept putting this on alerts and such in the hiatus, I probably would have forgotten it existed without you all. **

**I own nothing. **

* * *

><p>Since I haven't updated in about a year I thought a run-down of the past chapters may help:<p>

Kate woke up after her shooting believing that she and Castle were married. The doctor told him that it would be best for her if she was eased back into real life so she is staying with him. Alexis is upset about the fact that Kate is staying with them since someone is trying to kill the detective and that in turn puts her whole family in danger. Beckett had a break down in New York, realised everything was scaring her and that she needed to leave. So they went to the Hamptons, Alexis and Jim came for the weekend and Alexis had a bunch of angst about the situation, and went for a run, hurt her ankle and Jim found her and they talked then he helped her back to the house. Kate knows that they aren't married, or even in a relationship but she still feels the connection as if they were really married.

* * *

><p>'How was your run?' Rick called as he heard footsteps coming towards him in the living room. As Alexis and Jim rounded the corner he spied her injury. 'You're limping. What happened?'<p>

'I tripped Dad, I'll be fine.'

'I'm going to get you some ice,' Castle rushed back into the kitchen, returning to find his daughter settling into a chair. 'Here,' he said offering her the icepack.

'Thanks,' Alexis settled the ice on her ankle carefully. 'Want to help with my shoe?'

Rick unlaced the runner with care, 'I remember when you were just a baby and I had to tie your shoelaces every morning. You were so adamant every day that you would do it tomorrow, you tried and you tried and one day you got it. I was so proud but afraid because you were growing up so fast. It's moments like these that remind me I will always be able to help you, no matter how much you mature.'

'Dad I just rolled my ankle.' Alexis smiled, 'but I will always need you.'

'Where's Jim?'

'He went to see if Kate wanted to go out for lunch, just the two of them.'

'That would do them both some good.' He lounged back onto the armchair next to Alexis. 'Are you sure you're okay with everything that we told you this morning?'

'I'm fine Dad. I promise you.' She swallowed back her guilt at lying.

'You're not fine, I have been your father for quite a few years now, I know when you lie.' He took her hand and looked her straight in the eye. 'I want to know what you're thinking about this.'

She felt herself choking up, squeezing her eyes shut she took a deep breath and steadied her voice. 'I said what I thought the other day and you ignored me.'

'I didn't ignore you Alexis.' They both turned as footsteps came down the stairs.

'Dad and I are going out for brunch.' Kate said, noticing the tense atmosphere she excused herself to leave.

'I think my ankle is all better.' Alexis said, standing up and walking slowly out of the room.

'Alexis!' Castle called out.

'Is everything okay?' Kate asked, her brow furrowing.

'Everything will be fine, we just need to have a father daughter talk.' He squeezed her hand, 'go have fun with your Dad.'

'I will,' she moved up to her tip-toes and pecked him on the cheek before she realised what she was doing. 'You go make Alexis feel better. Good luck.'

'Thanks.' He made his way up the stairs slowly, feeling completely unsure of how to fix this situation. Alexis had never been like this in her life. She was the most mature and thoughtful girl in the world.

He stopped walking at the top of the staircase, steadying himself on the banister. He tried to reassure himself. His fathering skills had raised a practically perfect daughter, even though he had no idea what he was doing. Surely this situation would work out fine.

As he knocked on her door he had never felt so nervous in his life.

'Come in,' Alexis called through the door.

He walked in, taking a moment to watch her as she sat crossed legged on the bed, making a scrap book page of her and Ashley. 'Alexis we need to talk about this.'

'No we don't Dad. All we have to talk about is the fact that Detective Beckett is obviously more important to you than me.'

'What…' Rick couldn't even think that sentence through. 'How can you think that Alexis? I love you more than anything.'

'Doesn't seem like it at the moment.'

He moved to sit next to her on the bed and put his arm around her shoulders. 'I love you Alexis, nothing will ever change that. Why do you think I don't?'

'You're letting a woman with a target on her back live with us. Every moment that she is in the same house as us we are in danger. Why can't you see it?'

'I can see it, and don't think I haven't worried about you and Gram.' He felt the life draining out of him. 'I just… it's not as simple as telling her to leave. I love you and, although I will deny it, Gram. But I love Kate too, I love her and I can't leave her to suffer.'

'Why are you doing this to yourself Dad? Why are you doing it to her? Pretending that her fantasy is real can't be good.'

'Alexis, it's what the doctor said to do.'

'Did he tell you to sleep in the same bed, never leave each other's sides?'

'Not in those words but he did say to keep her remotely comfortable. I think I need to give you some time to calm down.'

'I need to calm down? You need to get your head out of this fantasy and think Dad. While Kate is here she puts us in danger, we could be in the next line of fire, I could be, Gram could be, you could be. You just want to pretend, this isn't one of your books Dad, you can't just live in this fantasy world anymore.'

'This isn't a fantasy world. What happened is in no way a good thing, I am not trying to hurt anyone and I am not doing this just for myself. I don't want to bother you with all my thoughts but I'll just say that this isn't as easy as you might think. Pretending not to love someone is the hardest task in the world.' He took her hand and squeezed it, 'I love you more than anything Alexis.'

'I know that, but I just don't know what's happening Dad.' She pulled herself away from him a little, 'for once I have no idea what I think about something. I have no control over anything. All I know is you are putting yourself in danger.'

'I don't think anyone knows what's really happening at the moment. We are all just trying to get by with what we have.' Alexis settled back under his arm. 'You don't have to know what you think about it, all we need to know is that life has a way of working itself out.'

She didn't reply for a while, she just let the comfort of her father seep into her. 'I don't want you to be upset but I want you to stop following Beckett when she goes back to work. I know it's selfish and I cannot expect that of you but that is what I want Dad. I want to know that you're safe.'

'I remember.' He didn't say if he would agree or not because he had no idea if he would be able to. He no longer used the premise of needing inspiration for his books, he had enough to fill a hundred novels. The precinct, the team, they had become something he looked forward to. They gave him a way to spend his time, helping society, helping those who could no longer help themselves. Plus it fascinated him.

'Forget what I said Dad, I know it's ridiculous.'

'No, what you said is completely fine. I just don't think Beckett is going to be gone today or tomorrow. Her recovery is going to take time, and as much as I want to make you happy, I want to help her recover.'

The two of them sat together for a while, not talking just thinking. Finally they agreed to watch a movie or two. Both of them slowly stopped focusing on their talk and just enjoyed their time together.

* * *

><p>Kate decided to take her Dad to a little restaurant that Castle had brought her to the other day. It was a small place, but cosy and had a balcony that went out onto the beach. She had really wanted to get out and talk with her Dad because of everything that happened she was worried. She wasn't only worried about him turning back to alcohol but about herself going back to her own addiction.<p>

'So how have you been Katie?'

'My recovery has been routine so far, well as routine as it can be. I'm progressing well on the physical, but as you know the mental business isn't so great.'

'You are dealing with it though, aren't you?'

Kate nodded, 'I'm seeing a therapist and he has been helpful so far.'

'I'm glad.' Jim smiled, 'you seem much happier than I thought you would be.'

'Castle is definitely helping with that.'

'He's being a gentleman then?'

'Very much so,' Kate smiled.

'I must say that knowing you have him with you is helping me feel less worried about you.'

'About that Dad, you are doing okay aren't you?'

'I am, I have to admit that if you had not made it through surgery I probably wouldn't be able to say the same but I am just grateful that you pulled through.'

'I was thinking the other day, I want to stop looking into Mum's case.'

'Are you sure?'

'As much as I want revenge I'm starting to see that if I can't let this go it will overtake my life again. I almost lost it before, and the shooting reminded me again. I have a life that I want to live, I have friends and family that I need to keep myself safe for. I need to be here for you and everyone else.'

'Katie, I have been waiting for you to say those words for years. I understand your need for revenge but the first thing that stopped me falling back into the bottle was you, when you fell down the rabbit hole I realised that I was supposed to be there for you. I was no example, I escaped in my own destructive way and you had your own.' Jim closed his eyes and took a breath, keeping any tears that threated to spring away. 'I love you too much to tell you what to do with your life but I am so, so, so glad that you are choosing to live.'

Kate wiped away a tear, they always hit her when she remembered the first few years after her mother's death. Her father turning to alcohol, her turning to revenge. They were both addicts, they both had to pull each other out. She touched the watch on her wrist, 'for the life I saved.'

'That's right Katie, you saved me so you need to remember to stay alive for me.'

'I love you Dad.'

'I love you too Katie.'

* * *

><p>Jim looked over at Castle and Kate. They were laughing together on the couch watching a movie, Kate tucked under Rick's arm. It made Jim happy to see his daughter in such good spirits after only a few weeks of recovery. He was worried about the living situation though, he knew that Rick had feelings for Kate, strong feelings, and that may not have been the best thing.<p>

As the movie finished Kate went off to bed and Jim moved into the couch across from Castle. 'Rick I wanted to have a talk about what's going on.'

Castle swore in his head, this could not be good. 'Go ahead Jim.'

'I'm a bit worried about this situation, the living together I mean.'

'I promise you I am being a perfect gentleman, I would never, ever hurt Kate.'

'I know that, Kate has already made sure that I understand that but I meant the emotional repercussions for both of you.'

'The doctor said that it would be the best way for her to have a smooth recovery and the logic makes some sense. Putting her into a world where everything feels uncomfortable cannot be good while she is recovering. I promise Jim, if I felt that anything was going to leave her feeling hurt I would try my absolute best to stop it.'

'I am sure you would Rick but I am more worried about neither of you being truthful. For three years you have been _just partners_, denying what you actually felt. Now this has happened and she freely admits that she loves you. You know Kate and her pride, when she recovers she will no doubt feel foolish. She will convince herself that you were only doing this because you were made to.'

'I can't tell her I love her now, it would just make an already confusing situation worse.'

'Maybe so, but you need to say it before it's too late. As much as this goes against my instincts as a father, I think you need to ensure that she knows you are here for more reason than the doctor telling you.'

'How do I say it? Every boundary is currently confusing, what I can and can't say, what I can and can't do.'

'Just let her know that you are here for her. You are the writer, I'm sure you can find the words.'

With that Jim left the room, leaving Castle to mull over their conversation. He cursed the bastard that did this. He loved Kate and he couldn't say it. She didn't love him but she could say it. He was always going to be there for her, and she wouldn't believe it. Life was really trying to test him, he was sure of it.

* * *

><p><strong>Re-reading this it is a very family based chapter, weird.<strong>

**So after under a year (by a month) the first update. Once again I want to say thanks to all those who read while I took my hiatus and thanks to all who read it ages ago and are still reading. You are what make writing worthwhile when I can't see the point in it. **


	22. Chapter 22

**What is happening, it hasn't been eleven months… weird I know. I keep checking to see if I'm sick or something but so far no signs. Actually I think I figured it out, I just want to procrastinate rather than do all my assignments that are piling up. **

**I don't own anything recognisable. **

* * *

><p>Alexis and Jim returned to New York late the next afternoon with a quick send off. Neither Beckett nor Castle wanted them to leave but they waved goodbye with smiles.<p>

'So what are we going to do tonight?' Kate asked as she chopped some carrots for dinner.

'Well I was going to write but anything else would be more entertaining.'

'I heard that ABC is doing a Nebula 9 marathon later on tonight.'

Castle groaned, 'anything but that.'

'You don't like Nebula 9?' Kate asked with a raised eyebrow, daring him to say something insulting.

'You do?'

'Yes!' Kate sighed, 'I guess I'll just have to watch it on my own.'

Castle almost laughed, who knew, Kate Beckett had a soft side for terrible science fiction. 'When that Joss Whedon show has a marathon let me know, but Nebula 9… I think I would rather spend some quality time with Nikki Heat.'

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><p>A few hours later Castle walked into the bedroom, and Kate scooted over to give him room to sit beside her. The second episode was just beginning.<p>

She chuckled, 'I knew you would cave.'

'Well if I am going to write Nikki truthfully I need to learn about this obsession with terrible television.'

Kate hit him lightly on the leg, 'first, I am not obsessed. Second, it is not terrible, some parts may be but the idea of the show is the true gift. Now be quiet or you will be banished from the room.'

As per her request they watched in silence, with only a few scoffs from Castle. After a few episodes he began to zone out, the main character was getting on his nerves, he was a terrible Captain. Castle would be so much better at the job.

The two of them cuddling in bed while watching television, would look, to anyone else, like a couple. Only they couldn't be. Not yet, not while she was recovering. He knew that moments like these were what he loved, he loved the feel of her pressed up against him, the sound of her laughter, her expressions. He loved her and he couldn't tell her.

What if Jim was right and he needed to tell her, for the sake of the future. He cursed the confusion in everything. Love was supposed to be simple, well mostly anyway. This situation though was a mess, nobody would be able to write a happy ending with all the twists and turns. He can't tell her he loves her because it would confuse her, but if he doesn't she will end up getting hurt.

How can he say anything if she doesn't know what's going on? Will he always have to sit back and whisper 'I love you' when she isn't listening? Because these past few weeks, months and years have only proved what he knew, that unrequited love was exhausting but loving someone silently, now that was impossible.

As the night wears on the show leads to the final episode, both people in the bed are fighting to stay awake. Castle succumbs first, leaving Kate to watch the finale and turn everything off. As she prepares to fall asleep she traces the shape of his jaw, his lips. She never wanted to forget an inch of it but that was what she had to do… wasn't it?

She had to get better, she had to forget everything and start again. She had to do it for him. He was stopping everything to make her life easier and that's not the way it was supposed to be. She had to start looking out for him.

A tear trailed slowly down her cheek. How could she give this up? Kate held back a sob, she couldn't even if she wanted to, but the world wasn't happy with that. Life was more complicated than that, she was going to need a miracle.

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><p>The sun poured in through the window onto the two entwined lovers. Rick woke slowly, hiding from the sun by burrowing his face behind her soft hair. The sound of waves lapping against the shore, floated in through the window.<p>

How long can they keep this up? How long can they live like this, keeping distance from true emotion and making sure that he only tells her he loves her when she isn't listening? Deep down he knew the answer to his unspoken question. The answer is just another question: how long till they can call this love?

Does she feel the same way? Does she even love him at all? Under all the confusion there has to be something. Some sort of feeling for him, and unless he is terrible at reading people that feeling is love.

After everything though will they be able to trust that it really is love? What if... they were only two small worlds but two of the most dangerous words in the world. He tried to stop thinking about it but nothing could quieten the words. What if she forgets that she loved him?

Lifting his head away from her for a moment he is once again assaulted by light, groaning he slid out of bed. Once the curtains were shut he turned back and caught sight of Kate reaching out into the space he vacated. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around for him. 'Don't get up yet, come back to bed,' she said, voice husky from sleep.

Wordlessly he climbed back to her, wrapping his arms around her. She pulled him closer, resting her head on his chest. She fell back asleep with a small smile on her lips.

For a while he watched as she slept, the consistent breath a sign of the miracle of her return. A feeling of sadness washed over him, as the thought that he has been pushing away for so long came back with full force. They can't keep this up for much longer.

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><p>As Tuesday rolled around they drove back into the city for all her appointments. Rick had a meeting with Gina to discuss his lack of writing for the next book.<p>

Dr Burke welcomed her in and began without pause, 'has anything begun to come back to you?'

Kate shook her head and said a quiet, 'no.'

'There is no need to worry about that. Amnesia is different for everyone and there are ways we can deal with anything that occurs.'

'What if I never get my memory back? What am I supposed to do then?'

'We try our best to give you the best possible starting point and then you do the same thing couples do after a divorce, you begin to find a new life.'

'I don't think I want that.' Kate pulled her feet up onto the couch, 'I hate myself for it but I don't want to have to do that. I know that it's wrong to make Castle do all this but I think forcing myself to live without him would be the hardest challenge of my life.'

'I have no doubt it would be a struggle Kate but as you said, there are other people in this situation without the same ideas. My primary goal is to help you find stability, and clear you for work at the precinct. Only I think a part of that is you coming to terms with reality.'

Kate had no reply, she could only think about a bleak future. Her being alone, and having to go back to being single. There was no one else for her but Rick, she knew that now.

Dr Burke filled the silence first, 'how have the Hamptons been? If I remember correctly your Dad and Alexis were coming for a visit. How did that go?'

'Alexis seems mad, really mad. Sometimes when I walk into the room she just walks out, I don't think it's because she hates me exactly, no she looks more hurt than angry.' Kate turned to the window, following the rays of light to the table between her and the doctor. 'I don't know what I have done.'

'Is it possible that she feels jealous? She is after all an only child who has never had to share her Dad.'

Kate shook her head, 'Alexis isn't the type to get jealous.'

'Kate, your shooting didn't just affect those at the precinct. You said that she was there, and that her Dad was standing next to you. If your places were reversed would you change?'

Reluctantly she nodded. 'I just don't know what to do. I can't have her hate me, she feels like family to me.'

'Talk to her, without Rick there.' Dr Burke leant forward. 'You were around the same age when your mother died, just try to connect. What about nightmares? Have you had any yet?'

'Yes, but not when I'm with Rick.'

'And how often has this been?'

'Every night,' Kate bit her lip lightly, waiting for the reprimand or something but when nothing but a calculating hum came from the therapist she continued. 'I tried to stay on my own, the second night but I just couldn't. He makes the pain and the fears go away.' A moment of silence fell between the two. 'It's almost as if for a moment I'm going back to a time before the shooting, back to a time when we were together.'

'Kate, if you want to begin recovery you are going to need to do certain things that will make you uncomfortable. An injury cannot heal without some pain, and neither can a mind.'

Kate nodded.

'The only question is, are you truly committed to your recovery?'

Kate paused, 'yes.'

'If you are I suggest you begin trying to sleeping on your own. Even if you just try. Every small step is one closer to recovery.'

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><p>That night she tried, she truly did.<p>

She went to bed early, hoping the demons wouldn't come out for a few more hours. She laid awake, listening to the sounds of the house. She heard him walk past to the next room and then there was an unbearable silence. Slowly the sounds from outside crept in.

The sea was quiet tonight, not harsh and choppy. Any other night it would have been soothing but that night she was irritated by the constant sound. She rolled over and tried to force herself to sleep, one leg wrapped over the comforter and the sheet held tight around her waist.

A loud laugh came in through the window and it made her jump. With heavy footsteps she walked over to the window, and slammed it shut.

The moon reflected on the water, a silver ocean expanding along the horizon. She watched for a moment, there were a few boats still out at sea. A neon red sign caught her eye; she followed its path as it headed towards the dock. As it disappeared behind another boat she turned back to her bed.

She still couldn't sleep, the bed was too empty and too quiet. Every sound was extra loud, every shadow was threatening. Her body was stiff, tensed and ready for action. Her mind was clouded, too many thoughts were running through it.

A car alarm went off and she jumped out of bed, ducking down behind the mattress. With her back against it she hugged her knees. Breathing was becoming a challenge, she needed more air but there was never going to be enough. She needed to move but her body was locked, her arms were beginning to ache.

The panic set in, her tears flowed and the sobbing got louder. She couldn't breathe at all now. All she could do was steal enough oxygen to let the next sob out.

The pain in her chest was amplified by the racing of her heart. She tried to slow it, just like Doctor Burke had taught her.

Something moved outside.

_Deep breaths._

What was that noise?

_In and out, Kate just breathe in and out_.

She wasn't going to make it.

_Count to three._

Did the balcony door just open?

_One… two…._

That had to be a footstep.

_Breathe_.

Someone was there, they must be.

_It's nothing. _

She held herself still, refusing to let out a sound, her body aching from being tense for so long. She listened closely, waiting for another sound. There was nothing. It was nothing. She crawled to the end of the bed and peered around, carefully scanning the room. Nobody was there.

She walked over to the closet and checked inside. It was okay, she was safe. She wiped her eyes, feeling foolish.

As she climbed into bed her stomach was still in knots, she couldn't sleep. She just needed to see that he was alright. She would go in and check, then come back to sleep on her own. It wouldn't hurt anyone.

She could feel the relaxation spread through her limbs when she cracked the door open and saw him lying there. He was alive, he was alright.

'Is that you Kate?'

She took a step into the room. 'I didn't mean to wake you up.'

'You didn't, I couldn't sleep.'

'Well that makes two of us.'

'You tried, that's all the doctor asked you to do remember.' He patted the empty half of the bed.

She walked over slowly, 'I thought I would be able to do it.'

'You can try again tomorrow.' He gave her a sympathetic smile. 'For now we sleep.'

As she fell asleep she felt at peace. The world wasn't as evil when she was with him.

He pulled her close. He heard her sobs earlier, it killed him not being able to go to her but she said that she needed to try. He didn't want her to.

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><p>The next night she stayed up until she was struggling to keep her eyes open. The demons might be too tired to come out this time.<p>

He heard her murmuring slowly grow louder along with the sound of her twisting and turning. He couldn't let her suffer on her own. Castle made his way into her room, finding her in the middle of a nightmare.

He climbed in and pulled her towards his chest. Slowly her sobs subsided, the talking became muttering and then silence.

The moon illuminated the tear tracks on her cheeks. He traced each one from the corner of her eye to the tip, removing the visible line.

She awoke with a pair of arms wrapped around her and their legs tangled together. She couldn't remember him coming in. She moved closer and kissed his shoulder lightly, grateful that he was there.

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><p>On the third night they never made it to bed.<p>

It was late when he finally shut down his laptop and went to find her. She was still up, watching one of the terrible late night movies.

He thought about heading up to bed but he didn't want to. He went and sat beside her, catching up on the plot quickly.

She curled into his side, she knew that she should go to bed but that meant fear. Here she was safe.

Neither whinged about their aches and pains from sleeping on the couch the next day. Each was too relieved that they didn't have to face the torture of falling asleep alone.

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><p>Finally they made it one night on their own. She didn't sleep much, music wasn't conductive to sleep for her but it did keep the demons at bay. He kept waiting for his chance to go to her, a sob and he would have been hers for the night.<p>

Neither complained about the lack of sleep the next day because they were happy that she was getting better. Well, that's what they told each other at least.

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><p><strong>So I'm not too sure about this chapter. It seems very jumbled and repetitive at the same time, so I hope you were able to make some sense of it. <strong>

**Finally, a very, very large thank you to the reviewers. I was truly expecting nothing since I had been away for so long and I am pretty sure that it was the most highly reviewed chapter so far. You guys are amazing, truly you are. **


	23. Chapter 23

**I own nothing.**

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><p>Kate Beckett was nothing if not resilient. After that first night she told herself it would be the beginning of her recovery and nothing would budge that thought from her mind, not even her own human weakness.<p>

Each night she wandered up the staircase with a heavy heart. In sleep her arms craved the warmth that only Rick could provide. She awoke with a start with an ache burning deep within her chest at least once a night. Whether she had been dreaming of the shooting or craving the relationship she was being forced to deny was a mystery to her.

Castle watched carefully and he saw the fatigue overtaking her more each day. It worried him, he knew that she would never give in until she was forced to. If she was in pain that wouldn't worry her she would keep going until she hit the ground and then she would tunnel a hundred feet further.

Her therapist was glad to hear of her progress. Although he was slightly sceptical at her claim that things were slowly becoming clear again.

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><p>She knew that the time was coming when she would have to head back into New York and face the demons that awaited her. The empty apartment, the lonely bed, every light and siren sending her heart into overdrive.<p>

Kate decided to raise the subject at dinner. 'We should go back to the city soon. I need to get used to it if I'm going to be working soon. Only a few more weeks and I can be cleared for duty.'

Castle was taken back for a moment, he had fallen into their routine. 'Are you sure that you'll be ready to go back?'

She hesitated for a moment, unable to fathom why her capabilities would be in question. 'Yeah Castle, I think I will be.'

A flicker of hurt crossed her eyes but the writer was too busy in his mind to notice. He realised that her recovery was truly beginning. What that meant for whatever it was that they were doing he didn't know. Her life was going to return to the state it was in before her shooting, that meant she would no longer love him. He had to give her the opportunity to recover, even if it meant getting hurt in the process. That was what love is, accepting the best for the one you love at any cost… right?

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><p>The trip was rather silent. Each was lost in thought about what was going to happen back in New York.<p>

Castle glanced over at her every now and again, he could sense that she was upset. His every fibre wanted to pull over and hold her in his arms and let her cry until she could close her eyes without feeling the bullet tearing through her flesh. As much as he wished, he never could. From this point onwards he had to be a friend, no mixed signals, she didn't love him and he had to pretend he felt the same.

Kate could sense the tension in the car. It was driving her crazy that she couldn't just talk about it. It made no sense to her why he would be so mad at her for being proactive about recovery. By doing everything she could it would release him from his duty as a carer quicker. Because that was what he was, she reminded herself. He was caring for her as any friend would, he was not her husband.

At the thought she could feel her heart sinking. She closed her arms over her chest, hiding her delicate heart from the world. She clenched her teeth and stared out of the window, watching as the green pastures of the roadside were replaced with building after building until they arrived in Manhattan.

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><p>It was a wordless decision that she would continue to stay with him, only on the floor above. As she moved her belongings into the guest room Rick watched mournfully. He didn't want her to leave. He just wanted things to stay the same, but be completely different at once. Kate Beckett was the woman he wanted to spend his life with, only it could not be like this.<p>

Kate placed her bag on the unfamiliar bed. It wasn't hers. It never would be. She looked back at the hallway and sighed, sinking into the mattress. If only she could find out what was real, did he love her too? This state of mind, her fragile state, made it impossible for her to see. She never truly knew before, so what would lead her to believe she could figure it out now?

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><p>As night fell she tried to sleep. Her eyes were closed but her mind would not stop racing. Every car that drove past, every siren blaring in the night. New York was the city that never sleeps and she now knew why. The sounds that were once comforting, the sounds that used to tell her she was home, were mocking, threatening.<p>

She twisted until the sheets prevented her from moving an inch at which point she gave up on the hope of sleeping. Her mind was too busy and the bed too empty.

She made her way down to the kitchen for a glass of water. As she filled the glass she noticed a light in the study. The tap of keys told her Castle was still up writing, despite the clock showing it was the early hours of the morning.

Kate knocked and opened the door at the call. Castle looked up quickly and smiled at her before typing furiously and finishing with an exaggerated tap. 'What are you still doing up?'

'Couldn't sleep. I had forgotten how noisy New York is. What about you?'

'Frozen Heat needs to be re-written and according to Gina that's my job,' Rick said with fake surprise.

'Well I better let you get back to it.'

'No!' He called, cursing himself for being so adamant. 'Writers block is killing me so a distraction would be good right about now.'

'Oh really?' Kate said coyly, biting her lip as her mind jumped to the inappropriate. She realised her mistake as his eyes widened slightly. Without success she tried to think of a way to rectify the awkwardness but her mind was too muddled from a lack of sleep. 'Movie?'

Castle smiled, 'sounds good.'

They both perched on each end of the sofa as the movie began rolling. After five minutes they gave up and met in the middle of the couch. Kate sat comfortably under his arm, leaning further into him as the movie progressed.

Castle pulled her closer soaking in the warmth radiating from her body. Any time he closed his eyes he could see her face draining of life, he could see that solitary tear falling down her beautiful face. So to hold her close and feel how alive she was gave him a moment of truce with his memories. Every breath of hers still felt like a miracle, every moment that blood moved within her veins felt like a stolen moment.

He relished in the moment of peace, capturing her beauty in words was impossible. His writers block resulted not from the plot but from his inability to express exactly what this woman before him was. Who she was. He had won awards, been given honorary titles that he could never live up to, but Katherine Beckett was a woman that could never be encapsulated in words. She was an enigma that could never be brought into a world with restriction.

Her eyes were closed and her breathing had evened out, no mumbling or twisting to disrupt her tonight. Rick pressed a kiss to her glorious hair and whispered exactly what the moment inspired within him.

With her head on his chest she could feel his heart beating slowly, a steady rhythm lulling her into serenity. As sleep claimed her she could have sworn she felt his lips pressing softly to her forehead and the three words she most desperately wanted to hear.

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><p><strong>I would like to apologise for this chapter, it is very jumpy I know and not the best. But I just had to get through this piece of the story. And ending with fluff is good… right?<strong>

**Oh and I forgot to say a chapter or two ago, over 200 reviews! It is just so amazing, I really have no words that could describe how happy I am to have written this story and have people like it. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to write and, most importantly, for taking the time to tell me what you think of it. You are all beautiful people.**

**A while ago I said I was making a playlist and I finally came up with one, it's just the songs that remind me of this story whenever I hear them.**

**1. Don't You Remember – Adele**

**2. Always – Switchfoot**

**3. Make You Feel my Love – Adele**

**4. A Thousand Years – Christina Perri**

**5. Iris – Goo Goo dolls**

**6. Distance – Christina Perri**

**7. Can't Make You Love Me – Bon Iver**


	24. Chapter 24

**I apologise again. I really am busy though. I have about two months left of my final year of school and everything is starting to get incredibly busy so that is why this chapter is late and why the next will probably take a while. Although, my ability to procrastinate may mean that there is a chapter sooner than I would expect but I hope not because I have far too much work to consider writing at this point in time. That said, I really, really, really, hope to have this finished soon. I laugh every time I remember that I planned on finishing it in the break between the third and the fourth seasons… That was only two years ago. Whoops. **

**Anything you recognise does not belong to me.**

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><p>'When will I get my memories back?"<p>

"That depends on you."

"Is there anything we can do to bring them back?"

"There are a few methods that may be helpful. It would depend on your willingness to participate and your ability to confront the issues at hand."

As Doctor Burke outlined the therapies she could undergo, Kate fiddled with the ring on her left hand. What had once been a source of comfort no longer put her rapidly beating heart to ease.

"If it doesn't work, will I still be able to get clearance to go back to work?"

Doctor Burke nodded, "as long as you have a clear grasp of reality, pertaining to your job, and fit the criteria I can permit you to return."

"Rick, I need your help."

He looked up from the novel in his hands with a hum.

Kate walked over to the couch and perched on the cushion beside him. "Doctor Burke wants me to retrace my steps of… the day to see if it helps my memory."

His eyes widened slightly and he reached for her trembling hand. "Whatever you need me for, I'm there."

"Thank you." With his thumb tracing small circles on the back of her hand, she began to still her restless limbs. As she settled further into the couch she withdrew her hand and placed her socked feet on his lap. He tensed beneath her before a small smile graced his lips and his hand found its place against her ankle. Closing her tired eyes she felt her heart beginning to flutter. "Will you read to me?"

With his soothing voice as a lullaby Kate drifted into a peaceful sleep, the first for many days.

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><p>"Doc," Castle leant forward. "When she was there – when she was shot, I said something. I have to wonder if it caused this. . . I don't want to call it a delusion."<p>

Doctor Burke simply waited patiently as the writer stared wantonly towards the closed door. "I told her that I loved her. I was so scared that I wouldn't see her again. I didn't mean to say it. I guess Freud would have a field day."

"You may be, somewhat, correct, Mr Castle," Doctor Burke said. "The ultimate cause of her condition is unlikely to be discovered but in my professional opinion, the memories she has built stem from her subconscious mind and the depth of the relationship is unlikely to be the result of one simple comment. The feelings she is exhibiting would be a culmination of a long period of time. I should not be telling you this, because she is a patient, but I feel you should know that holding guilt is a waste of time. What she needs is help."

"So today, should I say it?"

Doctor Burke sat still for a moment, a pensive look on his face. Castle cursed the man's ability to retain his calm. "I do believe it would be helpful to the authenticity of the recreation."

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><p>"Kate, you don't have to do this."<p>

"I'll be fine Rick," she gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand before releasing it.

Doctor Burke trailed behind the pair slightly and she jumped when he spoke up, "if you begin to feel anxious, remember the relaxation techniques."

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the therapist. Breathing slowly would be the least of her issues.

With the harsh gravel crunching underfoot she slowly stepped away from the two men, inching towards the fresh grave of Roy Montgomery. With each step her chest tightened. She fisted her hands at her sides, and upon arriving at her spot, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"If you turn around now," Castle explained, "you will be right where you were."

The graveyard was silent as she prepared to turn. Her nails had begun to dig painfully into the skin of her palms and the ache in her chest was almost unbearable. _She could do this._

Pivoting on her heel, she slowly opened her eyes. Straight lines of light stone graves, lush green grass, a clear crisp day. _Deep breaths_.

BAM!

A car door slammed in the distance. She was locked in place, every detail was suddenly rushing through her mind. Every hint of light between leaves was an imminent threat. As the world appeared to grow and move in a taunting dance around her, the world slowly dimmed until the darkness encompassed her vision.

Without warning she was trapped in her mind, a tumultuous cavern of fear and hurt with no escape and nothing to block the stalactites that were crashing down around her. Every moment of fear was worming its way through her mind and every moment of pain was cutting her heart to ribbons.

She could feel the burn of a bullet, tearing her skin over and over again. Ripping into more than just her delicate flesh. The bullet pierced the wall of her control, her emotions spilling into the forefront of her mind.

A warm voice echoed through her skull, bouncing off the walls and reverberating until it was all she could understand. "Stay with me Kate. Kate, stay with me, okay. I love you Kate."

Her lungs were gasping for air as her brain was preoccupied with the little processing it was capable of. Her veins sang out in protest. She had no idea where the world was anymore. She was dead, that was all it could be. The past few weeks were a dream. The world was a figment of her imagination. She never left the cemetery.

A warm hand, a familiar scent of coffee and musk, a solid chest, slightly damp grass. Slowly she settled back into her body, focusing on the skin touching hers, the regular breaths. She clung to him, hands grasping for any surface that would stop her from falling into the pit of darkness that was nipping wickedly at her heels.

He cradled her in his arms, rocking her ever so gently. For a long while he just held her, and whispered soothing words into her ear that seemed to help as the sobs that wracked her body weakened. "You're safe. You're okay. Nothing is hurting you."

"I'm sorry Rick," her words were muffled against the, now damp, skin of his neck.

He pulled her closer into his chest. "You don't have to be sorry for anything."

They sat still until the sobs subsided and she could breathe normally again. His warm arms enveloped her shivering body, protecting her from the ghosts that were appearing in her mind.

"I'm going in circles." She smoothed a hand down his arm and began toying with his fingers. "One minute I'm recovering, and the next I crawl back to you and everything begins again. I still love you and I feel like you still love me."

Despite his brain screaming at him not to, he presses a soft kiss to her hair. "I don't mind. I am going to be here, anytime, until you don't need me anymore."

"I'll always want you here."

Her hand never left his as they wandered towards the iron bench at the gate of the cemetery. Stepping through the walkway in the brick fence, Kate felt some of the tension in her body begin to slip away.

"Could I have a moment with Kate?" Doctor Burke asked.

Regretfully, Castle walked away from the two. He moved to stand by the car, attempting to appear calm. In reality he was as shaken as she had been. To watch her crumble to the ground, once again, was more painful than he would care to admit. Even with the knowledge that she was not in life threatening danger, the terror in her eyes and the unconscious scream she released struck terror into the depths of his soul.

He wanted her to recover because that was what he was supposed to want. He wasn't supposed to want her to stay in this delusion.

If she was to recover she wouldn't be in love with him anymore. They would be back to where they were, separate and together at once. A confusing relationship that could only get worse with every moment they spent together.

Kate watched him carefully, noticing the tense stance and restrained glances. He was tormenting himself, she knew he was. There was no denying the signs and there was no stopping the guilt from welling up in the pit of her stomach. He was hurting and she was the one who caused his pain.

After clearing his throat, Doctor Burke finally got the detective's attention. "I think we attempted to push you too far too fast. If you would like to continue in the same type of therapy, we could attempt something similar but with your apartment or the precinct. Possibly a combination of hypnosis also."

"Not yet." Kate shook her head, staring at the dirt covered ground. She spoke weakly, "can we talk about this later? I'm still a bit out of it."

"Of course," he gave her a reassuring smile. "Are you prepared to talk about what just happened?"

She shrugged, "I panicked. I heard a loud noise and jumped to conclusions. I'm fine."

"Completely natural for a person recovering from a traumatic event. But I was referring to the emotional aspect."

They sat in silence as he patiently waited for her to respond. What she felt was complicated beyond her own comprehension, how was she supposed to explain it?

"I felt it. The pain and fear I was feeling on the day." She toyed with the ring on her finger. "I don't mean the bullet. Well I do, but I also mean… I mean that I remembered wanting to tell him that I loved him, that I had for a long time. I was so scared to think that my life was over and I had nothing really to show for it. For so long my life and my job were synonymous and in that moment I realised I had to change that."

'With that realisation is your relationship with Mister Castle becoming clearer?"

"I know that he isn't my husband. I just can't believe it because I know that I love him. And when he looks at me, hugs me, helps me, I feel like he loves me too."

"Kate," Doctor Burke leant forward, "did you keep a journal or anything of the sort before the shooting?"

She shook her head, "it always felt a little juvenile."

The therapist released a quiet sigh, the unprofessional reaction startling Kate into releasing a hysteric giggle. Her attempts to diffuse the amusement she felt, were futile as she began to laugh properly. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I am laughing."

Doctor Burke just threw her a knowing smile and waved Castle back towards them. "I think we are done for the day. Would you be able to call my office and have them book you an appointment for sometime soon? I feel we might benefit from a session before next week."

Kate nodded and the group parted. After the hysterics had ebbed away, lethargy was taking its place. It was a quiet drive back to the loft, his hand covering hers over the centreboard. She stared out the window blindly, praying that the tears would remain at bay.

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><p><strong>Thank you all for the reviews! I know I have been terrible about replying lately, given the busy schedule, but I do appreciate each and every one. I just want to hug you all for sticking with this story, despite my complete inability to keep maintain, or even instigate, constant schedules or styles. You are a wonderful human being. <strong>


	25. Chapter 25

**I think the apologies are wearing thin at this point. Anyway, sorry for the wait!**

**I do not own anything recognisable.**

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><p>For the next two days silence hung heavily in the loft. Kate's re-opened wounds were still patching themselves up and the lack of sleep wasn't exactly helpful in the pursuit. Castle was too worried about sending her spiralling again to do anything. His footsteps, both metaphorical and literal, were light.<p>

As she crawled into, her far too cold, bed on the third night since the cemetery debacle, Kate sighed in relief as she let her emotions free. Rick was doing his best, she knew that, but in her attempts to make the whole ordeal easier on him she was beginning to find herself returning to the woman she used to be. The woman she swore she would never be again. Emotionally stunted and detached.

She just had to get past this. Past the fear of her shooting. Past the hope that she would wake up and find that she is dreaming. Past the reliance on a man who was not her husband.

Richard Castle – not her husband. The words stung, even when they were only thought. She reached a hand out to lie on the empty pillow beside her, mindlessly caressing the soft material with her fingertips in a similar manner to how she used to card her fingers through his hair.

Bringing her hands to her face, she scrubbed at her tired eyes before sinking heavily into the bed. Thankfully, her lack of sleep on previous nights was catching up with her and she could feel the tendrils of unconsciousness slowly curling up from the depths of her mind.

The session with Dr Burke, the next day, saw improvement. She was able to confront the idea of post traumatic stress and agreed to continue with exposure therapy. Upon leaving she set a time for them to re-enter her apartment in the hopes of having a more positive reaction.

She had insisted on taking the subway, despite Castle's many protests. It wouldn't be long until she had to be solely independent, so what was the harm in starting now?

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><p><em>She woke to the sound of laugher in the distance, a deep throaty chuckle and a lighter giggle. Stretching languidly, she sighed in contentment, relishing in the peace of the morning. Turning to her side she found a steaming mug of coffee waiting for her. <em>

_Her smile widened when she spied the bright blue sticky note. Pulling it from the side of the cup she sat up and took a large sip before reading the note. _

Good morning, my amazing fiancée. I couldn't bear to alter such a beautiful sight. I still can't believe I'll get to wake up to that every morning for the rest of our, hopefully, very long lives. –your adoring fiancé xx

_God she loved him. Every childish impulse and rare moments of maturity. At the glint of the ring on her finger her heart swelled. They were actually doing this. They were going to be together. Her one and done. _

_Rising from the bed, she attempted to balance the cup in one hand as she slipped into more fiancé's-daughter-in-the-house clothes. Upon realising the endeavour was futile, she quickly placed the steaming cup back on the bedside table. _

_Kate almost rolled her eyes at herself, the grin still hadn't diminished and she was joyous. There no other word for the lightness that filled her veins, a golden opiate of love. She knew it was corny and her previous self would have, no doubt, laughed but something about her life was just perfect. _

_As she walked to the kitchen, she observed the two people pottering around. Castle was covered in white powder and Alexis was remarkably clean. She watched as Castle flipped a pancake, laughing lightly as he overestimated the distance and the flat pancake almost hit the counter. _

_Upon his glancing around nervously to see if anyone had spotted his almost disastrous attempt at cooking, he spotted her. The smile was instant, broadening his face as he watched her approach and take her place at the bench. _

_"Hey Kate," Alexis said as she turned from the fridge, bottle of orange juice in hand. With Kate's left hand wrapped securely around the navy mug, it wasn't long before Alexis spotted the glittering gem. With a squeal she grasped Kate's hand. "Oh my god! He finally asked."_

_Kate laughed as Alexis wrapped her arms around her father and then bounded around the island to hug her. "I'm so happy for you guys."_

_"Some people need their beauty sleep darlings." Martha said as she wandered down the stairs, hair still slightly mussed and a dressing gown thrown on lazily. "Although give me a strong coffee and a full breakfast and I might forgive you."_

_"Gram, look!" Alexis said, holding Kate's hand up towards her grandmother. _

_With the usual grace of the older woman, Martha descended the stairs and began congratulating the two of them. "And how did he do it?"_

_"It's a long story, mother."_

_"Well then, Alexis cover your ears. Nothing I haven't heard before."_

_"Not that kind of long story." Castle said with a grimace. "It's not a just woken up and still wanting to say good morning to my beautiful fiancée story."_

_Kate grinned widely at the label. As he rounded the island and wrapped his arms around her waist she sighed, once again, in contentment. She only kissed him briefly, still aware of the other two people milling about the kitchen, who were attempting to give them some privacy. "Morning."_

_"Morning." His grin was as broad as hers. "I thought, in honour of the monumental occasion, we could go out for breakfast but Alexis vetoed that idea when I wouldn't tell her why it was important that we did. So we've got pancakes. Blueberry, chocolate chip, and boring old plain all heart shaped."_

_"Sounds good, fiancé." She knew he was still as in awe of the occasion as she was and would be just as happy to hear the words. _

_Leaning down he growled in her ear, "that sounds good."_

_Beckett chuckled and gave him another kiss. This was perfect. For the first time, in a very long time, she was content. _

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><p>Returning to the loft was something akin to entering an abandoned building. The silence was overbearing and out of place, her eyes jumped around to check for people, and she walked as softly as possible to ensure no one was startled.<p>

Upon hearing the soft beat of Alexis' music from upstairs she felt her shoulders relax, if only a little. The atmosphere over the past few days had been so wrong, so very far from happy and it was all her fault. She knew it wasn't solely her responsibility but the guilt still weighed heavily on her thoughts.

Maybe she could lighten the mood a little. With an idea forming in her mind, she began searching the cupboards for all she needed. She called up to Alexis to find Rick had gone to a meeting and so, she shot him a text letting him know she was cooking dinner and got to work.

At first everything went according to plan, the ingredients were all there and she knew how to work the oven. Only she couldn't find anything else. Where the saucepans were supposed to be was the Tupperware and the baking paper was nowhere to be found. She swore under her breath and settled on the floor after looking through what had to be the millionth drawer.

Footsteps sounded on the stairs and a worried looking red head peered down at her, "Kate?"

"Alexis, hey." She slowly rose from the floor, attempting to move gracefully without hurting herself was still a challenge. "I was just resting, doing a bit more searching than cooking at the moment."

Losing the slightly anxious look she kept walking down the stairs, leaning against the island with one arm full of books. "What were you looking for?"

"Baking paper."

"Third shelf from the top in the pantry," she said, pointing in the general direction.

Kate spun on her heel and found it instantly. She turned back, holding the box up with a small smile, towards the younger woman. "So what are we reading now?"

"Oh I'm just returning these to Dad's study. I had to find a novel to write about for my Stanford application and I decided none of these are strong enough."

"If you need a hand I might be able to help. It's been a few years since I last took any English course but you never know."

Alexis shuffled nervously. "Thanks, but I should be okay. I still have a collection upstairs to check over."

Kate grimaced at the tense atmosphere. This was nothing like the Alexis she remembered. "I was just making lasagne for dinner."

"Great," she murmured unenthusiastically. "Did you need a hand finding anything else or would you mind if I went back to work on this essay?"

"No, no, go ahead and finish your work. I'll call up to you if I get lost again." Kate's smile was unconvincing.

"Kate," Alexis drew out the name as she pondered her next words. "I don't want to be rude, and you don't have to tell me. But are you getting better?"

"I am." Kate moved across the room and looked her in the eye. "I promise you, I am doing everything I can to recover and your Dad has been invaluable."

As Alexis flinched away at Kate's hand on her arm, Kate stepped back. "Alexis, I'm sorry for dragging you through this too."

"I'm glad for you." Alexis smiled, slightly more believably than she had before and began making her way across to the study. "Could you call me down when dinner is ready?"

Kate nodded and moved back to her work. If she was shooting the mince a quizzical look then it must have been because she was debating if it was cooked enough. She couldn't be confused about Alexis' behaviour because she didn't know her, she reminded herself. Alexis may well be distant and, if she was honest, standoffish in real life. The fantasy world she had formed in her mind could not be counted on for the truth.

Rick's meeting went late, and she ended up overestimating the cooking time and burnt the top layer. Dinner was tense, even though all three of the others proclaimed it a wonderful dish. Kate thanked the deities for Martha, she was the only one to keep a conversation going past a few mumbled words.

She regaled them with stories of her current project, a play set in the 1800's that Kate recalled learning about at school. She told tales of the set and slowly, the three of them felt the anxiety lessen and began to laugh along with the older woman.

By the end of the dinner, each was talking normally once again. The dynamic wasn't what she remembered, of course, but it was something in itself. A sense of family that she couldn't remember, a feeling that she loved and had missed for so very long.

The happiness lasted until she headed upstairs. It wasn't as painful anymore, to be sleeping apart from him but she felt the weightlessness ebb away with each step away. She felt herself sinking heavily into the carpet and the bed, trudging along as she went through her night time rituals.

Lying in the darkness of her room, she felt the inevitable tears sliding down her cheek. She was bound by her memories, tugging at her heels. Always pulling her backwards, downstairs, back in time. She had to wonder if that was it. If she would spend the rest of her life yearning for a life not lived, yearning for what could have been.

With a pitiful sob, she vowed that it couldn't be. No matter what she had to do, her life was hers and she would recover. If there was one thing she knew for certain, she knew that she was a fighter and stubborn as anyone. She could move on, even if it broke her already fractured heart.

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><p><strong>I feel bad for making Alexis the bad guy at the moment, what with all the arguments in the fandom. I just put this in place ages ago and now it's manifesting and I want to get it out of the way. <strong>

**Thank you all for the reviews and favourites and follows! I probably would have given up long ago without the intermittent requests for a new chapter. So thank you!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Short update, sorry. I'm going to start getting to the rest of it soon, I promise. **

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><p>In the days that followed, Kate attempted to correct any slip of memory, verbal or thought. She refused to touch Rick – sorry, not Rick, Castle –, in even the smallest of gestures. He seemed slightly affronted by the lack of intimacy but she tried to remind herself that she couldn't rely on her ability to read his emotion. She was only seeing what she wanted to see.<p>

He watched her closely, the ease with which she used to move about the loft was gone. Everything about her was closing up, she was becoming tense and her body was held taut at every moment. His attempts at soothing her seemed to only spur her on further, with her jumping at the lightest touch or fond words. Finally he settled on watching her carefully, at least he could watch and pray that she wasn't falling apart before his very eyes.

Although she found ways to occupy herself while he was 'writing' he felt guilty as his word count barely moved forward. Nikki and Rook were stuck at a crossroads, their Captain was being cryptic and they were arguing about everything under the sun. He knew that he was planning to build up to the big finale, a dramatic shooting, but he couldn't find it within himself to write the words.

Every time he attempted the climactic scene, his hands stilled above the keys while the images played through his mind on a loop. He knew what he had to say, the words spilled through his brain in a whirlwind but he couldn't do that to Kate, not even the fictionalised version of her.

Each day he closed his laptop, with a sigh, and wandered out into the living area, generally finding Kate watching a movie or reading a book. Today she was lounging across the couch, book resting on her chest while she dozed off.

He thought about covering her in a blanket but the summer weather was providing more than enough heat. Instead he wandered into the kitchen and began working as silently as he could.

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><p><em>Kate glanced at her father's watch, three am. Stretching her arms above her head, she pulled her spine straight groaning as the movement soothed her aching back. The empty bull pen was dimly lit and the only sound was coming from the lower floors as the night shift workers went about their business. <em>

_She hadn't anticipated staying this long but there was nothing else she could do. Her break began tomorrow – well today – and she had vowed to have these reports completed before she left. The last one was almost complete, only another paragraph about the handling of the arrest and she could leave. _

_The coffee machine seemed to be calling her name and bone crushing lack of energy almost made her cave but the glint of light reflecting off her ring spurred her on instead. The report was finished within half an hour and put on Ryan's desk since he had promised to tie up a loose end in the case. _

_In a haze of movement she found herself at the door of the loft, the pull that had seemingly dragged her home only intensified the closer she got. The small smile that had graced her face since she walked out the doors of the precinct continued as she wandered through the house. _

_Kicking off her heels, she toed at the carpet before changing into a large shirt and baggy shorts. As she fell into the large bed, the man beside her reached out instinctively, still fast asleep and she quickly curled up in his strong arms. _

_Tucking herself into his side, she fell into a peaceful slumber._

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><p>Kate woke with a soft moan as she stretched. When her wound pulled, the real world fell upon her quickly, the imaginary warmth was gone from her side and the content excitement dissipated. Shuffling into a better position, she waited until the pain had dissipated before standing and making her way into the kitchen. Castle's attempt at cooking quietly was failing dramatically as he blustered about in a flurry of movement.<p>

"Anything I can do?" Kate asked.

He refused to let her help, instead, he forced her to take a seat and let him cook on his own.

Lost for what to say, she drew on the only thing she was certain about. "I have my appointment with Doctor Burke at my apartment tomorrow."

Castle stilled his movement immediately, glancing up at her. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She tensed, wanting nothing more than to have him there, but she couldn't. Instead she shook her head. "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure because I can clear my schedule."

"No, no. Gina will be getting impatient, I'm sure."

Rick laughed lightly, "you have no idea. The emails are almost hourly."

Kate snagged a piece of carrot from the pile in front of her as she chuckled. "What has you stumped?"

He sobered, furrowing his brow. "Writing out Montrose is harder than I thought."

"You don't have to, it is fiction after all."

"I couldn't keep writing him in." He said with a slight shrug. "We all know it's a thinly veiled attempt at life."

Kate lifted an eyebrow, a smirk threatening to play on her lips. When he looked up at her, he began to backtrack. "Except Nikki and Rook, of course. I just put that in for all the readers who like the romantic angle. So many people just buy my books for that."

"Right…" Kate laughed as a niggling feeling spread from the back of her mind and down to her gut.

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><p>She can't sleep that night, the memory of phantom limbs still too fresh for her to find comfort in her empty bed. Even when she finally falls prey to her exhaustion, it feels as if she never slept. Meeting Doctor Burke in the morning, at her apartment, she still feels the heavy anchor of sleep dragging her down.<p>

The trepidation she felt, standing in front of the door, was mainly the consequence of her break down in the graveyard. She knew that her apartment wasn't likely to harm her, she had already been back after all, but without Rick there, she felt vulnerable.

"Before we begin I just want to explain the basis behind our conversation. I do my own version of hypnosis therapy, relying on some of the principles of Freud's psychodynamic theory. He deducted that there are some memories that we repress because acknowledging them would cause anxiety or other negative reactions. In your case, I believe it may well be the shooting that you are attempting to hide." Doctor Burke waited until she nodded her understanding. "If you are ready lay down on the couch with your arms by your sides and legs uncrossed.

As she struggled to refrain from laughing, Doctor Burke attempted hypnosis. Apparently she really did zone out because he reported that they had had a conversation. Although she felt no different, no more memories filled her mind, he told her that they were there.

"It's good news, Kate. The fact that I could get you to acknowledge these thoughts means that there is a higher likelihood that you will recover in time. I asked you to access the depths of your mind, uncover the thoughts that had been repressed. You fought slightly, refusing to do so, but that is to be expected. Now, it is the content of the conversation that surprised me."

"You were feeling distraught in your life, you were beginning to solve your mother's murder and that was leaving you adrift without something stable to hold onto."

Kate's eyes glistened, a lump lodging in the back of her throat. She nodded her agreement, understanding the truth in what he was saying.

"You told me that you, and I am quoting here, 'were scared of solving the case because it has been a piece of you for so long'. You also mentioned Mr Castle and I may have a more coherent idea of why you have formed this alternate universe in your mind."

"Please," Kate begged.

"I believe, and let me stress that it is only my first perception, that when you were shot you were upset at the state of your life. Although there was nothing that could change the fact that your Captain was dead and that you had been shot, you could give yourself something, or someone, to hold onto. For you, that meant finally being with Rick. You were interested in him, you said that you could see yourself falling in love with him."

A single tear had fallen down her cheek but the path was quickly wiped away by the back of her hand as Doctor Burke waited for her to look up at him. "Is that all?"

"There is some psychological theory I could reference, but I don't believe it's necessary."

"Okay," Kate said, her voice cracking slightly. "What's next?"

"As we haven't seen any indication that you will be regaining your memory soon, I would like to start assimilating you back into your old life. That will mean starting to spend your days doing what you used to, maybe beginning to sleep here occasionally. Hopefully the altered situation will be more fruitful."

Kate nodded to show her understanding before he continued. "I would like to see that you are able to adapt to your old life before permitting you to go back to work but according to the guidelines of the NYPD, you do pass your psychiatric evaluation."

"So I can go back?" Kate asked.

"Technically you can, but I wouldn't advise field work at this point in time and your doctor must also sign off on your physical recovery. As the precinct may help you with falling back into old patterns, though, some desk work may actually be advantageous."

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><p>Hearing Kate enter the loft, Rick gave up on the staring contest he had been having with his laptop for the past few hours. The page before him was alarmingly bare, only a few scattered words filled the daunting white screen. As she entered the office, he smiled up at her. "How'd it go?"<p>

She sunk down into the seat across the room. "Well, he said I should be able to recover my memories. I have to start going back to my own life."

Castle cursed the twist in his gut at the thought. "So what does that entail?"

Kate sighed and began tugging her hair out of the braid it was in while she talked. "Starting to work again, sleeping at my own place, figuring out what I used to do and doing it, basically."

"And how are you going to do that?"

She shrugged in response, rubbing at her eyes with the palms of her hands. "I'll think about it tomorrow," she said through a wide yawn.

"Not sleeping well?"

Kate scoffed, "how could you tell?"

_Because I can always tell,_ his mind supplies. Instead he settled for closing the laptop and walking over with a hand out to her. "How about we order Chinese and watch crappy television?"

The corners of her lips curved upwards as she placed her hand in his. "Perfect."

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><p><strong>Thank you all for the reviews and favourites, you guys are absolutely wonderful and I don't deserve it at all for these sporadic updates! So thank you!<strong>


	27. Chapter 27

**I own nothing that you recognise.**

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><p>As Kate woke, the dream she was having seemed to linger, the same warmth and scent. When her fluttering eyes caught sight of that horrid lion print, she realised why. She was lying in Rick's bed with his strong arm around her waist, her back to his chest. Awaking slowly, she realised that she must have drifted off during the movie and he would have moved her back here.<p>

For a moment, she let herself extract all the warmth she could from his embrace. She attempted to imprint the alignment of their bodies in her memory. The way his arm curled her into him, the interlocking of their hips, where she was in position in comparison to him. The moment was short but sweet, until of course she let herself remember that it shouldn't have happened.

Carefully, she lifted his arm from around her, moving to sit up as Castle grumbled behind her. Even when she had sat up, she couldn't help but linger for a while longer. She smoothed a hand over his head, tidying up his mussed hair before she finally stood and exited the room. As she shut the door behind her, she had to force herself to let go of the handle.

When Rick finally stumbled out of the room, somehow with hair messier than when she had left, she was on the phone to Captain Gates. Neither woman was overtly hostile, but the lingering resentment for the shared cases they had worked in the past, still simmered underneath their terse conversation. She agreed to let Kate come back to complete some desk work, under the proviso that she did not interfere with the investigation of her shooting.

With that sorted, she found herself preparing to go back the next day. She intended to go and sleep at her own apartment, but the thought of leaving sent fear tingling along her spine.

She was jittery all day, desperate to get back to the precinct but anxious at the thought of being around so many people. It wasn't that she thought they would harm her, or that she was in any added danger being there. She was merely fearful of people discovering the extent of her injuries.

Her amnesia wasn't shameful, she just didn't want them thinking that she was less in any way. And there was no doubt that Ryan and Esposito would tease her mercilessly for creating a fairytale world.

With her heart in her mouth, Kate slipped into her own bed early that night. A restless sleep awaited her, as usual, but with the night before tiding her over she was unlikely to be too sleep deprived.

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><p>The floor was fairly empty when she made her return, only a few uniforms witnessed the return of Detective Beckett. A fact that she was grateful for when, upon spotting the board bearing her image and a very small amount of evidence, she began to tear up.<p>

At least this was still the same, the same wooden desk, the same stack of files, the same name plate that they hadn't quite changed yet in her memory. Smiling to herself, Kate picked up the first file. Glancing over it she felt herself relaxing, the case was the same and she knew what the file said. For the first time since the shooting, she truly felt at home in a situation that was real.

"Beckett!" Ryan exclaimed from the walkway. "Thought you weren't back for a few more weeks?"

She resisted the urge to scowl at the use of her last name, instead she plastered on a fake smile. "You know me, always too eager for work."

Ryan hummed around a sip of coffee. "Glad you're back."

"Thanks," Kate said as the other detective moved over to his own desk. "How's Captain Gates?"

Ryan looked around nervously, lifting one eyebrow as his silent method of questioning her sanity.

Kate laughed at his expression. "That bad huh?"

"Beckett…"

Rolling her eyes, she attempted to soothe him. "She's not here Ryan, she told me yesterday she was out all day for training."

Ryan just shook his head, grinning. "You don't know the things she is able to hear."

Kate just laughed and went back to her work, tapping in her username and password automatically. "I suppose she has already talked to you about my involvement in the shooting."

"Which is to be none," he replied, lifting an eyebrow.

"Worth a try," she sighed, turning back to her computer. "Can you just tell me if you have any leads?"

"Not many, but Espo is out chasing down a lead now."

"And you aren't with him?"

"It's nothing really, just double checking statements from the people there. I've already finished my half."

"Oh," Kate said, attempting to hide her slight confusion.

Ryan sighed and came to rest on the back of Castle's chair. He fumbled with the mug in his hands for a moment before speaking. "Look, Beckett, Gates said that if we don't get a proper lead within the week we are going to have to move on to another case."

Kate shrugged, staring intently at the file in front of her rather than risk showing Ryan her glassy eyes. "Yeah, I get it. That's what would happen in any normal case."

"But this isn't a normal case Beckett so I'm sorry. Espo and I have been doing everything we can to find something, anything, that would get this guy but there really isn't anything."

"He was a trained killer. Had to be." She paused, thumb rolling over the base of her empty ring finger, before looking up at her team mate. "I don't blame you two."

"Thanks but after so long I'm starting to feel more than a little useless."

"You guys are doing your best, I know that."

"I just wish we had better news for you." Ryan suddenly straightened up.

"Beckett," Captain Gates called. "How nice to see you back at work."

Standing, she gave the woman a mirroring fake smile. "It's good to be back."

"I think the Twelfth will be grateful to have its star detective back on site."

Kate scoffed, sensing the animosity underneath the words. Just because her hunch had sealed two cases before Gates could, she had to throw barbs. "I wouldn't say that, Sir."

"No, I've had a look over the records for the past few years," Gates explained sarcastically. "A one hundred percent success rate in determining the murderer and an almost perfect capture rate."

Beckett shrugged, "We all work well as a team."

"You, Ryan and Esposito."

"And Castle," Kate added rather defensively.

"Ah, Mr Castle. I've heard he has had quite a large involvement in this team."

"He brings some valuable insights, amid some rather farfetched theories."

"Well, I look forward to meeting him," Gates said airily. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my meeting."

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><p>"Beckett?" A booming voice called across the bullpen.<p>

She looked up, smiling as Esposito walked across towards her with a matching grin. "Hey Espo."

"You weren't supposed to come back for a while."

Kate shrugged. "There's only so many movies a girl can take before she has to do something."

"Castle driving you crazy?"

She laughed, leaning back in her chair. "Something like that."

"Gates in?" At Kate's shaking head, he continued. "I know you're not supposed to hear about the case, she was extremely clear about that, but Ryan's too much of a girl to tell you without permission."

"There's no need," she interrupted. "Ryan has already explained."

"Really?" He asked, shock etched into his face.

"I'm not scared of her," the other man called out across the room. "I just value my job."

Javi scoffed, turning to his partner. "A bit too much."

As the boys bickered, Beckett smiled. It was just like old times.

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><p>Lost in a mountain of paper, that was supposed to have some order, she barely noticed his presence until she spotted the steaming cup of coffee on top of the file she needed.<p>

"Hey," she said as she stretched carefully and rolled her neck, the pause allowing her to realise how sore she was. "Sorry, I was completely lost."

Castle just smiled, "it was good to see. I know you were feeling a bit useless at the loft."

Kate smiled, taking a sip of her coffee appreciatively. "Well I'm at home here, nothing quite like the longest day of paperwork in history to remind me about reality."

"How are you feeling?"

"Not here, Castle."

Rick smiled at the use of his last name. "Alright, but I expect a full report tonight."

Kate groaned, stretching her spine before settling back down to glare at her computer, "not another report."

Castle chuckled, watching her carefully looking for a hint of the fear that had been present since she awoke in the hospital. Finding none, he let his thoughts drift. "Do you remember that case we worked with that guy… Jeremy?"

Kate nodded, "the amnesia guy."

"I wonder what happened to him."

"I don't know." Kate patted his knee lightly, "I'm sure he is fine now though."

Rick hummed thoughtfully, "I hope so."

"So what time is dinner tonight?"

"Whenever you are able to make it back."

"I was planning to stay until around five."

"Dinner at six then," Rick said glancing down at his watch. "And since it's nearly three, I better head back. I'm attempting a roast."

Kate faked a fearful look, and called out to him as he began walking towards the elevator, "try not to burn the loft down."

Castle just waved over his shoulder and smiled. As he entered the elevator the relief at seeing her, somewhat, less confused settled on him. Not only had she called him Castle, but she had teased him. Their interactions over the past few days had been less than playful, so the return of her casual attitude was a relief.

The most remarkable element of the day was seeing her relaxed. She had been standing on a tightrope for the past few weeks, dancing the line between reality and fiction. As she spun around, trying to find footing, there had been no conjoining factor to make a platform for her to stand on.

Thankfully, she had found it. That safe space, her home in any reality. The Precinct.

* * *

><p>Kate sat at the counter with a glass of red wine in hand, watching Castle put the finishing touches on the salad.<p>

"I was thinking I'd spend tomorrow night at my place."

Rick looked up, forcing a smile. "That's a good start, right?"

"Yeah," Kate breathed. "If I can do it."

He quickly put down the knife and covered her restless hand with his. "You'll be fine Kate."

Glancing up from her placemat, she caught his worried eyes. "I really hope so."

With a soft smile he turned back to his salad.

"Then you can have your place back."

"I'm in no hurry for you to leave," Castle announced quickly.

Despite herself, she smiled, letting the comment pass. "Where's Alexis?"

Rick rolled his eyes, "Ashley called on Skype two hours ago. In the middle of the best part of the movie too."

"She's young and in love, Castle." Kate laughed at his disheartened expression. "Of course she is going to ditch her dad for her boyfriend. Just be glad he's across the country."

"I'm sensing a Rebel Beckett warning."

"Oh yeah," she laughed. "A boyfriend at Stanford is a lot better than a boyfriend in New York."

"Noted," Rick answered with a grin. "One day you're going to have to sit down and tell me these stories you know. I can only imagine so much."

"You couldn't imagine half of it," she teased.

"No, I'm certain I couldn't."

As they shared a grin, Alexis came bounding down the stairs. "That smells good!"

"Finally done talking then?"

Looking up at her Dad guiltily, Alexis murmured, "actually I was going to ask if I could eat up there."

At his disappointed look, she continued, "I just don't get to talk to him much anymore and he's free now so I really want to speak to him. Please Dad, I'll buy you another father of the year trophy."

Sighing he nodded his approval. "Lucky you added the bribery, those trophies mean more than any Pulitzer."

Alexis kissed her Dad on the cheek and grabbed her plate before heading back up the stairs.

"Guess it's just you and me," Kate said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Never," Kate replied, turning towards him with a bright smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews and favourites mean the world, the response this fic is still generating after so long is absolutely my biggest achievement to date. Sadly, fanfiction is not considered applicable on job applications. So thank you guys so so so much!<strong>


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